10 Most Relatable Hank Moody Quotes

Californication was iconic in its own right, but the character of Hank Moody certainly helped. And when it comes to relatable quotes, Hank Moody wins!


Television has been around for over a century and you'd be hard-pressed to find a more relatable character than Californication's Hank Moody. During his seven-year run as the charming writer, David Duchovny was the literal embodiment of the human condition by constantly jumping back-and-forth between self-loathing bitterness and borderline-arrogant confidence.

RELATED: 10 Worst Things Hank Moody Did On Californication

While Hank assuredly had a countless amount of comedic lines through the years, he was also incredibly wise and meaningful, even if it sometimes stemmed from a dark and twisted look on life. But what can you expect from the author of God Hates Us All? Here are the 10 times that we related to Hank Moody the most.

10 "Life will kill you."

Californication Hank in hospital

It doesn't matter what people enjoy or despise nowadays because everything is seemingly trying to kill you in some form or fashion, and Hank Moody knows it. He also doesn't bother wasting his time worrying about it either.

In the season 1 episode, "Absinthe Makes the Heart Grow Fonder," Hank runs into a surfer-girl while shopping for liquor and she notices him puffing on a cigarette. When she mentions to Hank, "those things will kill you, ya know?" Hank retorts the line, leaving both the woman and the audience at a momentary loss for words. That was a pretty deep line Hank, too bad it wasn't good enough to stop the girl from stealing your stuff.

9 "All my life I thought that sort of life was lame, but now I realize the joke was on me."

Californication Hank Assaults Cop

One of the reasons Hank Moody is so relatable is that he spent the entirety of his life running away from what would most-likely make him the happiest. You know, like most people tend to do. In Hank's instance, that was his wife and daughter pulling him away from the wild freedom that he just couldn't seem to let go of.

RELATED: The 10 Best Guest Stars On Californication

That is, until the season 5 episode, "Perverts & Whores," when Hank finds himself living on his baby mama's couch along with their only daughter and realizes that this picture-perfect family life-style that he's always run from is actually what he's always wanted. Who would've thought a man's family could make him happy?

8 "I'm fine. I'm disgusted with my life and my self, but I'm not unhappy about that."

As previously stated, Hank Moody is the king of self-loathing and that means he's the best at it. But that also means that within his self-loathing he finds the confidence to understand that everybody is self-loathing in their own way, thus helping him rise above it.

It's the whole, "if everybody's special, nobody is," debate and Hank made it clear which side of the debate he falls on early. With this line coming in the very first episode of the entire series, fans quickly came to understand that Hank was a person who hated himself and liked it that way because it was better than the alternative of feeling nothing at all.

7 "I don't think I've ever known. I think sometimes you get it right the first time and then it defines your life. It becomes who you are."

Californication Hank Steals Book

Everybody on earth has that one particular person that entered their life and completely got under their skin. Whether that person comes when we're teenagers or if it happens when we're fifty, it's seemingly just a law of nature that people will have someone that they ultimately can't get over.

RELATED: 15 Hottest Babes From Californication: Where Are They Now

Hank expressed that succinctly in the final episode of season 4 when the actress playing his baby mama in a movie asked what was so special about her. Even a brilliant writer like Hank couldn't possibly sum that feeling up with something as simple as words.

6 "Just the fact that people seem to be getting dumber and dumber."

Californication Hank and Kali

This particular Hank Moody quote is the beginning of a long and brutally honest tirade where he discusses the collective stupidity of the human race and how inventions such as smartphones and the Internet have only helped speed that process along. In the season 1 episode, "LOL," Hank's girlfriend verbally uses the titular phrase, sparking Hank to then heavily bash the concept of shortening words and phrases on a radio talk show later on in the episode.

While it certainly wasn't the classiest, or most subtle, way to tell his girlfriend that she's stupid, that doesn't mean Hank wasn't right. Emojis are the same as cave drawings, and Hank Moody knew it in 2007.

5 "Whatever you do, don't be another brick in the wall."

Californication Hank Moody

Despite the numerous questionable choices that he made throughout the show, there was never a doubt when it came to how much Hank loved his daughter, and he always made sure to deliver lines like the one above when he was around her.

RELATED: 11 TV Shows You Wouldn't Watch With Your Parents

His poor choices may not have made him the best role-model, but even as a 14-year-old Becca was wise enough to understand that parents aren't supposed to be role-models, and knew her father was certainly no exception. But Hank was always proud of how different Becca was from other kids and often encouraged her to be herself no matter what, and that's ultimately the best thing a parent can do.

4 "I look around and I see that everybody else is infinitely more f***** up than I am."

Californication Hank Teaches Writing

Season 1 Hank had a lot of remarkably relatable quotes, and understandably so since it was the audience's first interaction with the character. But this quote hit particularly close to home among viewers when an in-denial and drug-fueled Hank tells his friend/manager Runkle not to tell him how he should feel about his father dying.

Despite Hank's knack for getting into trouble, for the most part, he really tries to just let people do as they please, only stepping in once they start being an asshole. Everybody's fighting their own battles, some people like Hank just choose to cope with hookers named Trixie.

3 "The person that I want to have everything to do with wants nothing to do with me."

Californication Hank Rehab

In this quote from season 6, Hank once again proves how he is exactly like the rest of us by making a romantic proclamation that everyone has felt at some point or another.

RELATED: The Office: 10 Most Arrogant But Relatable Ryan Howard Quotes

It's only human nature to want things, and unfortunately 'other people' tend to fall into that category of things to want. But another rule of nature is that nobody can have everything that they want, and when the love of your life is the thing you can't have, learning that the hard way can be a painful process. Hank can certainly testify to that.

2 "All those things that weren't supposed to happen? They happened. But what happens next is up to you."

Californication Hank and Tyler

Expect the unexpected - a bitter truth to life. Nobody can plan for the future, regardless of how badly they may want or try to, and Hank made that perfectly clear in the season 1 finale.

When Becca gets her very first period the morning that her mother is supposed to marry another man, it really seems as though the universe is trying to play a cruel joke on Hank. We've all been there. Everybody has days that they wish they could just pause or erase from existence. But Hank knows that life doesn't work that way, and the best he can do is just keeping going forward.

1 "It's true, I am kind of retarded. But I'm also kind of amazing."

Californication Hank and Charlie

As we said, Hank Moody was the epitome of jumping back-and-forth between hating and loving himself, and only a character who truly felt that way could've delivered this quote from season 4.

Hank knows that he's just as smart as the average bear and that there isn't anything particularly special about him; he just happens to be good at writing and there's a handful of people out there who thoroughly enjoy that. But when it comes to his brains or his wits, Hank is always the first one to step up and defend that his actions never come from a particularly powerful source. We think your quotes are amazing, Hank; but what does that also tell you?

NEXT: HIMYM: 10 Ted Mosby Quotes We Can All Relate To

Next 10 Worst Post-Apocalyptic Sci-Fi Films (According To IMDb)