Brooklyn Nine-Nine has become one of the top sitcoms to watch thanks to all of the characters' quick wit and hilarious comebacks. Whether it's a snide remark from Gina, a dimwitted comment from Charles, or one of Jake's childish antics, fans are guaranteed a laugh from each episode.
Throughout the show's ongoing run, fans have enjoyed watching the shenanigans of the zany characters. Each episode is funnier than the last and choosing a favorite episode is incredibly difficult, let alone a favorite quote. Nevertheless, here are the funniest quotes from Brooklyn Nine-Nine.
Updated on February 24th, 2021 by Kristen Palamara: Brooklyn Nine-Nine continues to be a popular series that fans watch and rewatch due to the engaging characters, plots, and of course, the hilarious dialogue that every actor on the show gets to bring to life. Each character–whether they be part of the main cast, secondary characters, or recurring characters on the series–has hilarious and at times heartfelt dialogue. Every character on the show has their own type of hilarious dialogue too, like Rosa's deadpan and sarcastic dialogue or Jake's fast-talking and quick-witted dialogue, and it makes for a wide array of unforgettable quotes that we've expanded on to better serve fans looking for the show's best lines.
"The English Language Can Not Fully Capture The Depth And Complexity Of My Thoughts, So I’m Incorporating Emojis Into My Speech To Better Express Myself. Winky Face.”
Gina is known for starting her own personal trends and being incredibly confident in herself and how great she is both in real life and on social media. She has built a popular persona online and typically speaks in language reserved for social media.
Given Gina's personality, it makes sense that she wouldn't think the English language could appropriately convey her thoughts so, of course, she would turn to emojis.
"A Place Where Everybody Knows Your Name Is Hell. You’re Describing Hell.”
Rosa is known for her aloof nature and the fact that she'd rather be alone most of the time. Rosa doesn't like or allow anyone else to know exactly how she's feeling or what's going on in her personal life leading to hilarious reveals throughout the show.
Most of the other characters on the show, with the exception of Captain Holt, would agree with the Cheers theme song that going to a bar where everyone knows your name would be great, but of course, Rosa would hate that.
"Cool, Cool, Cool, Cool, Cool. No Doubt, No Doubt, No Doubt.”
Jake says this quote frequently throughout the series and has always been a fan-favorite quote. Jake tends to say this line every time he isn't sure what he should say in an awkward situation. It's his go-to line when he's nervous and fans recognize it immediately.
It's an in-character line for Jake and Andy Samberg delivers the line quickly to a point where it's difficult to understand exactly what he's saying the first time fans hear it, but after they'll never forget it.
"I've Only Had Arlo For A Day And A Half, But If Anything Happened To Him, I Would Kill Everyone In This Room And Then Myself."
Rosa doesn't understand people's connections to pets like dogs until she finally gets a dog of her own, Arlo. She brings him into the Nine-Nine and introduces him to her co-workers. It's rare that Rosa shows her emotions and how she's truly feeling, but this line is one of those moments.
Rosa says this hilarious deadpan quote that is actually pretty emotionally intense for Rosa as she keeps extremely aloof in her work life.
"Be Myself, What Kind Of Garbage Advice Is That?"
Jake gets some advice from his fellow officers to just be himself, which is pretty normal and typical advice to tell a friend to try to support them, but Jake responds to it in a hilarious way. Jake asks what kind of garbage advice is that, and wonders why anyone would ever tell him to just be himself.
Although Jake seems like a pretty confident person, and his best friend Charles is always telling him he's the coolest, he even questions himself at times.
"True Strength Comes From The Pelvis, Not The Mouth."
The first episode of the seventh season, "Manhunter," offered up a plethora of choice quotes. Once again, Charles Boyle delivered a classic line when discussing a fairly random argument about who in the squad would win if they all had their hands tied behind their backs.
Jake surmises Scully would win since he has the hardest head. Hitchcock says it's him; he bites the best. But Charles goes thereby pronouncing that thrust is a pelvic matter.
"That's Because Vampires Don't Appear On Film."
Things got a little heated at the end of season six when Captain Holt got busted down to deputy by his arch-nemesis Madeline Wuntch. When a new captain is assigned to the Nine-Nine, Holt leads an effort to connect Wuntch and the new Captain Kim that involves sneaking around Kim's house.
Jake goes along because of course he does, and they look through Kim's many framed photos with assorted luminaries. None of them include Wuntch, prompting Holt to deliver this now-classic line.
"Hitchcock Slept With My Wife, Kelly, In 1988!"
The Nine-Nine can reliably count on Hitchcock and Scully to screw something up, but fans can rely on them to deliver laughs. A great example comes in the seventh season episode 'Pimento.' The squad is forced to go into sensitivity training more or less, and talk through any grievances they may have with each other.
This leads Scully to blurt out this dark secret from the past, and drive a temporary wedge between him and his ride-or-die partner. It doesn't last long, though.
"Okay, So The Women's Gym And The Cocaine Have Given Debbie Super Powers."
Season seven introduces a potential new member of the squad in the earnest if unequipped Debbie (played by Saturday Night Live alum Vanessa Bayer). Debbie, a beat cop who works with Holt, goes from a potential goofy addition to a thief in a New York minute.
Jake comments on her prowess by pointing out that she's likely overachieving thanks to some serious snorting of police evidence, along with her time at the gym. Nevertheless, she gets her just desserts.
“Captain Wuntch. Good To See You. But If You’re Here, Who’s Guarding Hades?”
This classic Holt burn on Wuntch comes from all the way back in season two of the series, but it's a classic. And it's especially poignant knowing that Wuntch actually died in season seven. Her death took Holt by surprise, to the point he actually tried to sabotage her funeral to smoke her out.
In the end, he learned she was actually gone. He also learned the woman he hated most in the world was also the one he respected the most.
"Okay, No Hard Feelings, But I Hate You. Not Joking. Bye."
Brooklyn Nine-Nine wouldn't be the same without Gina's obnoxious teenage attitude. Her lack of ambition, great style, and self-centered personality has made her a fan favorite. Fans never know what Gina is going to say next and they love her for it.
In season 1's "The Slump," Gina had fans giggling as she attempted to pretend to not care that Amy and Rosa wouldn't let her be apart of the program for at-risk youth. She might have had the two fooled if it hadn't been for her exiting remark, "Okay, no hard feelings, but I hate you. Not joking. Bye."
"Sarge, With All Due Respect, I Am Gonna Completely Ignore Everything You Just Said."
Jake Peralta might be one of the best detectives at the precinct but he doesn't always have the best attitude. Jake constantly thinks he knows best and fails to listen to his superiors, even when they have proven that Jake would be wise to accept their advice. However, this is why fans are always rooting for Jake, as he turns his cockiness into a charming quality.
Sarge has time and time again tried to help Jake avoid getting stuck in a pickle, but Jake refuses to heed his warnings. Luckily for the detective, Sarge hasn't given up on him yet. Somehow, Jake is always able to charm his way back into Sarge's good graces.
"Great, I'd Like Your $8-est Dollar Bottle Of Wine, Please."
Jake might be charming and overly confident, but when it comes to his finances, he knows exactly where he stands. Jake knows when it's acceptable to splurge on things, and apparently, wine is not one of those things.
In season 1, Jake attempts to impress Captain Holt by buying a top-shelf bottle of wine, but he failed to realize how expensive the best wines can be. When the cashier presented the store's finest wine, he told Jake that it costs $1600. To that ridiculous price, Jack responded, "Great, I'd like your $8-est bottle of wine please."
"Jake, A Piece Of Advice: Just Give Up. It's The Boyle Way. It's Why Our Family Crest Is A White Flag."
Charles Boyle has good intentions but he might not be the best person to go to for advice. While Charles's sweet nativity and lack of confidence can be endearing, he's not exactly a role model for perseverance and resilience. If Jake didn't know that about Boyle before, he certainly learned it in season 5's "NutriBoom."
When Jake and Charles got caught up in a pyramid scheme, they searched for a way out. Jake was determined to get their money back, but Charles felt they should just give up. Sometimes you have to know when to pick your battles.
"Fine. But In Protest, I'm Walking Over There Extremely Slowly!"
Jake is not a fan of doing any task that was not his own idea as he rarely follows direct orders. Not only does he not do what's he told, he also makes it very clear when he does not want to do something.
Fans discover this about Jake in the very beginning since he has been protesting his orders since the first season. In season 1's "The Vulture," Holt tells Jake to turn over his file on a case to the Vulture, and the detective protests by walking over there as slowly as he can. Way to stick it to the man, Jake!
"Jake, Why Don't You Just Do The Right Thing And Jump Out Of A Window? Captain Holt Will Never Fire Me If He Knows I'm Mourning The Death Of A Close Friend."
Jake and Gina's friendship is one of the most endearing aspects of Brooklyn Nine-Nine as they bring out each other's best qualities. Jake brings out Gina's loving and nurturing side, which was proven in season 2's "Wednesday Incident" when she tells Jake to jump out of a window to his death so she won't get into trouble with Holt.
Jake does not agree with Gina's plan, even though he was the one who roped her into his scheme to figure out why Holt was in a bad mood.
"Hello, Unsolved Case. Do You Bring Me Joy? No, Because You're Boring And You're Too Hard. See Ya."
Scully is the real role model of the show as his logical approach to the tasks at hand is admirable. Scully never dwells on something for too long since his practice of getting rid of everything that does not give him joy quickly clears out a lot of his baggage, including unsolved cases.
Amy attempted to get the team to clean out their stuff in season 6's " The Honeypot," but she struggles to get them motivated. Scully steps in to save the day with his demonstration of throwing away an unsolved case file as it didn't make him happy. Unfortunately for Scully, Amy was talking about personal items only.
"I Don't Want To Hang Out With Some Stupid Baby Who's Never Met Jake."
Charles and Jake are best friend goals. Jake is the popular friend who takes Charles under his wing, while Boyle is the nerdy friend who is always up for whatever idea Jake has as he just wants to be included.
The pair are so tight that Charles thinks no one is cool unless they have met Jake Peralta, and that includes his future children. It's crucial that Charles' kids meet Jake since he doesn't want to hang out with a stupid baby who has never met his best friend.
"Well, No One Asked You. It's A Self-Evaluation."
Hitchcock is not necessarily the best detective on the squad, but that doesn't stop him from patting himself on the back. After all, sometimes you have to be your own cheerleader and give yourself positive feedback even if no one else will.
When, in season 1's "The Apartment," Hitchcock is proud of himself and Scully for getting 14 arrests, Holt reminds him that those are not enough arrests. But Hitchcock doesn't care, it's a self-evaluation so Holt's opinion doesn't really matter.
"I Ate One String Bean. It Tasted Like Fish Vomit. That Was It For Me."
Sarge is a deeply complex man with deeply complex thoughts. He is full of life-shattering emotions that fans can't help but contemplate. There are a lot of ways to describe string beans, but no one sums them up better than Sergeant Jeffords.
Sarge makes his feelings about string beans crystal clear in season 1's "Thanksgiving." According to the wise sergeant, who's only tried string beans once, they taste like fish vomit. Now the real question is how does Sarge know what fish vomit tastes like?