Brooklyn Nine-Nine: 10 Best Hitchcock And Scully Quotes

Two of the most underrated characters in the entire history of Brooklyn 99 are in their main cast. That's right, Hitchcock and Scully don't fully get the recognition they deserve with their insane storylines and classic one-liners.

You'd think with all of their many laugh-out-loud moments throughout the series that they would be the ultimate fan-favorites, but to be fair, the cast as a whole is pretty downright hilarious. Still, Hitchcock and Scully reign supreme with their throwaway comments and quotes that have us dying of laughter.

That is why we are going to countdown the best Hitchcock and Scully quotes to ever be said on the show. Strap in and prepare to LOL for days with the 10 Best Hitchcock And Scully Quotes.

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10 “Can’t Spill Food On Your Shirt If You’re Not Wearing One.” — Hitchcock

This hilarious quote from Hitchcock can double as a life-hack, actually. In the first season episode, "Thanksgiving", everyone is attending Amy's Thanksgiving dinner at her apartment. Of course, Amy's impeccably planned dinner doesn't go as planned with one disaster after another coming up.

Hitchcock having his shirt off for the occasion was just another bump in the road of an already troubling night. His Hitchcock-logic does make some sense when you really think about it.

He actually has no way of messing up his shirt and spilling on it for once with the clothing off altogether, right?

9 “Nah. Mine Are Never That Serious. I Call ‘Em ‘Oopsies’.” — Scully

Detective Scully is known for a lot of quirky personality traits as well as his never-ending list of health issues typically brought on by his poor diet. This little tidbit of knowledge about Scully unhealthy life is brought to the attention of the precinct during the "Lockdown" episode in season 2.

Jake remarks he will be taking his responsibilities of being in charge of the precinct while Holt is gone "as serious as a heart attack." He adds on, "No offense, Scully." 

That's where Scully's response about his "oopsies" come into play. It's a throw-away line that is so comically sad you can't help but laugh at the ridiculousness of it all.

8 “Hello. Blessed Be The Fruit, Baby.” — Hitchcock

For those of you wondering how in the world a man like Hitchcock would watch a show like The Handmaid's Tale, you aren't the only one who's skeptical of it. In season 5's annual Halloween episode, Jake's uses a large group of women dressed as Handmaid's from the popular Hulu drama to distract his competitors during the Halloween Heist.

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Hitchcock's reaction is this "pick-up line" when he sees the lovely ladies. Turns out, that is literally is his go-to pick-up line and he has never even seen the show, which only makes his use of the Gilead terminology that much more hysterical.

7 “Well, As Someone At A High Risk For A Spook-Related Death, Thank You.” — Scully

Speaking of the annual Halloween Heist, everyone from the fans to the cast to the actual characters on the Brooklyn 99 are always absolutely thrilled when it's time for the heist. The characters on the show, in particular, gear up literally all year to try and beat their fellow detectives.

So when announcing it's time for the heist, practical Amy announces it in a subtle way since they are still in a workplace. Scully here is obviously grateful due to his likelihood of a heart attack. He says it so casually that it makes an unfortunate health situation seem downright hilarious.

6 “That’s Not A Crime Scene. That’s A Boudoir Photo I’m Having Framed For My Wife. That’s Me Underneath The Mask.” — Hitchcock

Hitchcock is the precinct's local creep. This detective has a proclivity for crude and provocative activities. While we don't judge, there's a time and a place for things of that nature and Hitchcock always seems to blur that line at work.

So when Terry asks him to put away crime scene photos for a field trip coming in, we find out something disturbing about dear old Hitchcock. Those were not crime scene photos, but rather sensual photos Hitchcock took of himself for his wife.

As if that's not horrible enough, he's wearing a mask in the photo. We can only imagine how horrifying these photos actually were.

5 “I Really Need That Gasinex. I Think There Was Some Dairy In The Cheesecake That I Ate For Breakfast.” — Scully

Okay, so Scully's incredibly unhealthy eating habits tend to be the butt of the joke more often than not. But he really sets himself up for ridicule with lines such as this.

During the "Windbreaker City" episode when the precinct goes rogue during a team-building event with Homeland Security to cheer Jake up after a breakup, they start taking hostages. That's when their "demands" come into play. Of course, Scully's demand is Gasinex.

No wonder he's having gas issues when he's lactose intolerant and eating an entire cheesecake for breakfast. Not the most balanced of meals, we must say.

4 “Teenage Romance, Dying Chick, Oxygen Mask. Checks All My Boxes.” — Hitchcock

When Gina lies and creates a fake disease called "Ansel-Elgort Syndrome" nobody catches onto the lie except for...Hitchcock. He immediately recognizes the young actor's name because apparently, he's a fan of the teenage romance/drama The Fault In Our Stars.

When he asks if no one has seen it, Terry asks, "No, why did you?". This is the classic Hitchcock response we got. Of course, he would be weirdly into a teenage romance tale that features rather dark themes. Somehow, this "checks all his boxes" and honestly, we aren't even surprised by Hitchcock's bizarre interests at this point.


3 “Yes, Please. Take Me To The Land Of Vending Machines.” — Scully

When the squad must say goodbye to their beloved vending machine that has been there for ages, Jake's reaction is to have them take Scully instead of the vending machine.

You'd think Scully would be offended by such a remark, but Scully had quite the opposite reaction. He was rather excited by the idea because he'd be in "the land of vending machines".

Oh, Scully. Only he would be so excited by the prospect of being surrounded by vending machines and the food they encase. I guess that's why you can never say Scully isn't always authentically himself.

2 “Oh, I’d Like To See An Increase In Vacation Days.” “And We Should All Get Summers Off Like Teachers. Let The City Go To Purge.” — Scully And Hitchcock

These hilariously ridiculous ideas for cops and detectives come from none other than the dynamic duo themselves: Hitchcock and Scully. Scully starts off the ramblings of how they'd like to change the NYPD with "an increase in vacation days". Which is already an off-the-wall remark already.

Leave it to Hitchcock to amp up the idea with getting the entire summer off, just like teachers. He says, "let the city go to purge," much like the horror movies that depict anarchy for one night a year only. Literally, any crime goes.

We can't imagine what Brooklyn would be like if someone actually took their ideas seriously.

1 “I Got A Divorce Guy, An Alimony Guy, A Slip And Fall Guy, A Pizza’s Too Hot Guy.” — Hitchcock

When Amy asks if anyone has a lawyer, this is the response she gets from, but of course, Hitchcock. Only he would have this many different lawyers and for such specific problems.

He's known to have had many divorces which also means he'd need a lawyer for alimony reasons. But the other two that are clearly for the scams he pulls for money just make the enigma that is Hitchcock that much more troubling.

Even so, we can't help but laugh at his crazy antics, no matter how incredibly odd and disturbing they can get, at times. That's just who Hitchcock is.

NEXT: Brooklyn Nine-Nine: Every Halloween Heist Winner So Far

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