BONDiNG Is a new Netflix dramedy series that explores power dynamics in and out of the dungeon of professional dominatrix Tiff. A student of psychology in her daily life, she reconnects with her high school friend Peter (now a barista) when she hires him to be her assistant/bodyguard in case things go south with her clients. Their fractured relationship is at the center of a tableau of various kinks in the BDSM community, all of which expose different facets of their personalities.
The series is based on the real life circumstances of Rightor Doyle who at 22 became a bodyguard for his best friend, a working Dominatrix. His experiences bring some manner of authenticity to the series, but it’s received criticism for not accurately portraying the professionals and clientele of the BDSM community.
GETS RIGHT: PEOPLE HAVE ALL KINDS OF KINKS
From the moment Peter knocks on the door to the dungeon where Tiff operates as a dominatrix, viewers are introduced to a wide variety of kinks on parade. We see a man run past bawling like a baby in a diaper and bib. We hear the voices of people groveling to be humiliated. In the middle of the series, a man asks to be peed on. Tiff herself has a “house slave” who wears a gimp mask, cleans her house, and ends every sentence with a, “Yes, Mistress.”
While it all may seem a bit wild and extreme, the truth is people have a variety of kinks, from “humiliation play” (getting insulted and demeaned), to dressing up in a penguin onesie. BDSM explores people’s fantasies, from the mundane to the socially bizarre.
GETS WRONG: NO "EVERYDAY" PEOPLE LIKE BDSM
There are a variety of people that come to Tiff as clients; a man that wants to be peed on. A man that wants to wrestle someone dressed as a penguin. A woman that wants her husband’s tickle fetish satisfied. A man that’s into some serious knife play. And yet surprisingly, there’s not a seemingly “everyday” person in the bunch who just likes to be plain ol’ tied up and whipped.
While it’s accurate people have a variety of fetishes in BDSM, there’s a surprising lack of everyday people that get off on the “basics” of BDSM like getting paddled, gagged, or anything on the verge of Fifty Shades of Grey. Of course, that isn’t “weird” enough and might not make for compelling television.
GETS RIGHT: BDSM CAN BUILD CONFIDENCE
Building confidence can be a lifelong goal, with most success coming from going through experiences, sometimes uncomfortable, and emerging on the other side of them. Realizing you have the capacity to survive more situations than you thought possible can bolster your self-esteem.
BDSM is about pushing sexual boundaries in a safe way, where anxiety can be mastered in a controlled environment of sexual exploration. Tiff was able to master some of the demons from her past involving predatory men by becoming a dominatrix, and Peter uses being her assistant to feel comfortable in his own skin. BDSM promotes acceptance of whatever makes you feel “abnormal”, allowing you to gain a lot of confidence from its practices.
GETS WRONG: BDSM IS ONLY FOR PEOPLE "WITH ISSUES"
A common misconception among people without experience with BDSM is that it’s engaged in by people that “have issues”. In the series, Tiff is taking psychology classes in college, and there is a parallel narrative that some of the theories posed in her classes might explain her interest in BDSM.
While some people find BDSM a helpful way to work through everything from psychological trauma to issues with self-confidence, it’s a misconception that only people with things like “Daddy Issues” or “Abandonment Issues” can find pleasure from it. The series does a good job of showing the variety of people “with issues” that don’t engage in BDSM, who turn up their noses at those who do.
GETS RIGHT: DOMS CAN ACT DIFFERENT OUTSIDE OF BDSM
While it’s true that sometimes people with dominant personalities like to be Doms and people with more submissive personalities like to be Subs, participating in BDSM doesn’t require your personality to match your chosen role when engaging in play, and you can often have an alter ego.
Take Peter, for example. He isn’t particularly confident in his everyday life, but being Tiff’s partner in the world of BDSM lets him unlock his more assertive side. Tiff is also, in moments that have to do with her romantic or school life, much less vocal about her thoughts and views than when she’s being a Dom. BDSM is a means of exploring different aspects of your personality that may all exist in you at one time.
GETS WRONG: CONSENT AND CARETAKING
In the BDSM community, consent is a fundamental principle. Yet time after time, when Tiff is engaged in sessions with clients, consent isn’t discussed. Professional doms discuss consent upfront with their clients so that no boundaries get crossed in moments when the nature of the activities gets intense.
Tiff often comes off as a one-dimensional character, a control freak who as a Dom cracks her whip and bosses people around. In reality, there’s often more discussion about consent than there is dirty talk. Tiff often abuses her position of power and violates clients’ consent without any thought at all, which is in direct contrast to the candidly active arrangements within the BDSM community.
GETS WRONG: PROFESSIONAL BOUNDARIES
As one of the “top doms” in New York City, as Tiff is referred to by a client, she should be well aware of the professional boundaries that come with the job. It isn’t just about her electing to break a client’s contract because their unprofessional attitude is making her feel uncomfortable. It’s also about how those boundaries pertain to the professional treatment of her assistant, Peter.
Peter rightfully calls her on being a terrible friend when she tries to exercise her rights as a Dom over him as a person, but that’s as far as professional boundaries are enforced. She forces Peter to a do a great many things he doesn’t feel comfortable with, for clients who may not feel comfortable with it, because there was never a scene explaining their consent.
GETS WRONG: BDSM AND DOMS
Just as BDSM is about more than whips and chains, being a dom is more than just cracking a whip bought at Hot Topic and calling people your “slaves”. BDSM is how professional doms make their living, and how individuals explore their fetishes in a safe and controlled environment. Being a Dom is about providing an authoritative service, but also about being a caretaker.
Not once is Tiff ever not acting the part of a stereotypical Dominatrix, yelling orders and cracking her whip to make her clients obey. Aside from being that way (if the client wants), professional doms are also nurturing, provide comfort to their clients/subs, and may in some cases have more of their better interests in mind than they do.
GETS RIGHT: IT CAN BE VERY LIBERATING
There’s a point early on in the series where Tiff discusses her male clients and their desire to free themselves from societal pressures and expectations. She explains that as her clients, men like to relieve the tension that comes with a lot of their responsibilities and just open up to be themselves. She goes on to say, “BDSM is liberation from shame.”
While the show focuses on men (all her clients are male), it can be noted that when relieved from societal expectations in a judgment-free environment where there is no shame, anyone can feel free to explore different sides of themselves. There’s a reason the high-powered CEO going to a Dominatrix stereotype exists, after all; everyone wants the chance to “let go”.
GETS RIGHT: HONEST COMMUNICATION ABOUT SEX THROUGH BDSM
Since BDSM requires open communication about taboo topics and often socially unacceptable sexual desires, it takes sexual honesty to a whole new level. Whether a person’s kinks range from being tied up with silk scarves to heavy paddling, the communication that has to be present forces a healthy dialogue about individual wants and needs.
One of the clients Tiff has is a woman whose husband has a tickle fetish that she doesn’t enjoy indulging, and enlists Tiff to tickle him to climax. However, the situation opens up a dialogue that reveals some fetishes of the wife, something her own husband never knew about her, which they then explore together through the exploration of BDSM.