The Hulk has done some pretty horrifying things over the years that have been anything but incredible. He may be as mighty as they come, but what the Green Goliath makes up for in brute strength he often loses in common sense and overall respectability.
Coming up with credible stories for a near indestructible being who speaks with poor grammar must be a challenge, but it doesn't make some of the choices surrounding Hulk any less shocking. None of these are enough to make us stop loving Marvel's Jolly Green Giant, but they might leave us questioning him, ourselves and the sanctity of comics.
Here are the 11 Biggest WTF Things the Hulk Has Ever Done.
The Hulk and his first cousin She-Hulk are pretty close. When young Bruce Banner was going through some tough times after his father killed his mom, spending time with Jennifer Walters was pretty much the only thing that made him happy. Unfortunately, his alter ego green rage monster would later repay this kindness by repeatedly trying to bang her.
In “Basic Instinct” from 2000's Incredible Hulk Annual, the Avengers head out on one of their routine missions to stop Hulk from smashing things. Only difference is this time he's hopped on some gamma induced Pon farr. It turns out Hulk has been feeling particularly lonely lately and is in search of a mate to submit to his primal needs, which spells trouble for the only other one of his kind nearby - his cousin. Luckily for us all, She-Hulk rejects his horny advances and he jumps away crying in a whiny tantrum.
Unluckily, he has more success in the 2008 alternate universe of Old Man Logan. In that story a deranged, overradiated Bruce Banner is the main villain of a post-apocalyptic California, who has produced a gang of not-so-incredible inbreds by doing the nasty with his cousin (possibly against her will). She doesn't actually appear in the comic and we're too afraid to ask why, but all the hillbilly Hulklings running around in trucker hats leave little doubt of their incestual cohabitation.
In a storyline from The Incredible Hulk #435 aptly titled “The Unnatural,” Hulk tackles the issue of baseball's steroid era in the worst way possible: with blackface. Living every 11-year old boy's dream, a small-town baseball manager catches Hulk casually throwing 200mph fastballs and offers him a contract. But since he needs to find a way to hide his 8-foot-tall, half-ton bulking mass, girlfriend Betty Ross suggests he darken his skin. Now why didn't Mark McGwire think of that?
They would have gotten away with it too if stupid Rhino didn't show up and get hired by a rival team. Though you think seeing the new pitcher “Bob Danner” leap 30-feet into the air catching fly balls would tip someone off. Of course they eventually roid out and get into a fight that ends with Rhino haymakered into the stadium scoreboard, thus concluding our hero's short-lived baseball career.
As indestructible as the Hulk is, he does still get beaten from time to time. Usually it comes at the hands of a Power Cosmic-wielding Silver Surfer, gamma crazed Abomination or group of adorable puppies. Even Superman has laid the smack down on the Hulkster, though to be fair that was on a fan voted technicality. Then there's the occasion when Batman took down the Hulk by kicking him in the solar plexus.
Now, we're not saying a boot to the gut doesn't hurt, but it's a bit confusing for a being as limitlessly powerful as the Hulk to have the wind taken out of his sails so easily by a puny human, even if that human is the world's greatest detective. Sure, Batman is resourceful and is on to something when he whips out a sleeping gas bomb to drop Hulk like a poleaxed redwood. But, a kick? This is the same monster who once held up a 150 billion ton mountain by himself. Who remained standing while the Gladiator's as-hot-as-the-center-of-the-sun heat vision burned a whole through his chest. Who survived Ang Lee's Hulk. We guess a little suspension of disbelief is needed for a non-canon DC/Marvel Crossover. Especially one involving a massive green giant that can see ghosts and a guy who once fought crime as a baby.
Of things Hulk should not have smashed, this is right at the top. In The Incredible Hulk #279, Hulk's friends build him a 10-ton adamantium statue because he hasn't killed any innocent people in awhile and erect it in Central Park. A few issues later, Hulk goes on a rampage through New York, where he rips the statue out of the ground and beats Thor with it. Not cool, Hulk.
Let's break this down. A who's who of Marvel superheroes makes it out for a citywide celebration in honor of your being a great guy. They throw a parade showing you what acceptance feels like for the first time. The famous blind sculptress Alicia Masters creates a statue out of a very rare and expensive metal to commemorate your greatness. What you don't do is repay them by destroying that gracious gift and cause a few billion dollars of damage to said city. But that's Hulk for you.
Anyone interested in seeing that statue, just head on over to the planet K'ai, home world of Hulk's onetime paramour Queen Jarella, where it is venerated on a daily basis for depicting their savior. But the really important takeaway here is that yes, the Hulk can break adamantium.
In Incredible Hulk #384, the Ravager of Worlds (formerly Emil Bronsky, presently the Abomination) has fled to the sewers after having had a bit of an identity crisis, became a self-appointed guardian angel of homeless people and finds religion. This eventually leads him to try and win back his ex-wife, only to have her freak out when she sees him (because he looks like the Abomination). Not knowing what else to do, he kidnaps her. Around that same time Thanos shrinks Hulk to six-inches tall (long story) and the tiny green giant hitches a ride on his arch-nemesis' shoulder. Thus sets up the time Hulk impersonated God to screw with the Abomination.
Granted, Nadia Bronksy had been taken against her will and the Hulk was only trying to save her from a mentally unstable reptilian monster, but it's still pretty messed up that he decides to exploit Abomination's newfound faith to whisper, “this is the Lord. And I'm not happy.” When Abomination seeks proof by asking “the Lord” to tell him his mother's maiden name, Hulk punches him the face. Turns out that's all the evidence Abomination needed and is convinced to leave his ex-wife alone. Tiny Hulk jumps through an inter dimensional portal and a lonely Abomination is left to pick up the pieces of his miserable life. Oh, and in the same issue, Betty Ross gets a job as a call center representative. You gotta love comics.
Side note: a few years later Bruce Banner ends up having sex with Nadia which is videotaped by a secret organization and then shown to the Abomination to rile him up into fighting the Hulk.
In Defenders #3 Umar, a higher-dimensional being born from pure magic and Dormammu's sister, turns the Strongest One There Is into her own personal sex slave. Comic creators felt it was time that adolescents everywhere had a first hand account of what it's like to have sex with and as a superhero, including intimate details like how long the Hulk lasts in bed.
Having been captured by her brother, Hulk has “little choice” but to succumb to Umar the Unrelenting when she wants to pass the time and finds Hulk's brutish, erm, strength suited to her lascivious needs. Despite the fact that Umar is the same size as a pin up model and the Hulk is, well the Hulk, she is still left unsatisfied. He on the other hand is left lying blissfully on the floor with a sated face that will haunt you. Though that doesn't prevent Bruce Banner, in true machismo fashion, from later bragging about the romp and that “crazy little thing Umar does with her toes” to an overzealous Dr. Strange. Superbro high-five.
This wouldn't be the only time the Queen of the Dark Dimension made the Hulk her consort. But the next time around Hulkster would fare far better.
In the 1970s, Spidey Super Stories were a comics tie-in with the web-slingers live-action appearances on the PBS kid's show Electric Company. (One delightful episode had Spidey stopping Dracula Morgan Freeman from biting a woman in a movie theater.) Due to the younger audience, the comics were particularly ridiculous. Case in point, when the Electric Company decides to throw a party to celebrate the coming of Spring and invites everyone who's ever appeared on PBS. Hulk finds the invitation in a street gutter and gets really upset he wasn't invited, conceding to himself that “it isn't easy being green.”
Anyhow, Hulk literally crashes the party. They try to keep him at bay by throwing grape punch on him which, oddly, works long enough for Spider-Man to appear and save the day by forcing candy down the Hulk's throat. Overall, an all around embarrasing showing for the Incredible Hulk.
Nothing says the holidays like seeing Hulk beat the crap out of Santa Claus. In another instance of a murderous supervillain feeling sad and lonely, the Rhino gets drunk, starts panhandling, then decides to knock out a Salvation Army Santa and steal his costume. One thing leads to another and he gets a job working at a department store. Bruce Banner, who just so happens to be shopping at the same store, notices Jolly St. Rhino being a jerk to some kids. Hulk gets angry, bursts on the scene, tosses aside a small boy and then kicks Santa in the nuts.
The whole incident is framed by Banner's friend Rick Jones trying to teach a young group about bullying. This morality tale continues with an ensuing fight between Hulk and Rhino in front of a group of enamored children, which includes them each taking turns wearing a Santa hat and beard. After Rhino rams the Hulk in the gut with his horn (now, that's how you do it Batman) and right before he's about to finish things, both realize that a tiny girl named
Little Cindy Lou Virginia is about to lose her faith in the existence of Santa. Hearts sufficiently melted, they stop fighting and decide to finish out the rest of Rhino's shift with Hulk by his side as Santa's helper. But don't feel too bad, Hulk gets it on with a female elf in the end.
While not technically canon, the Hostess ad from 1980 in which Hulk murders a group of roller skaters so some kids could buy Fruit Pies was a new low for Earth's mightiest mortal. It all starts when a group of guys referred to as the Roller Disco Devils start terrorizing the town by enjoying music while skating. As a result, the kids at home start whining that their mom's won't let them outside to go buy junk food.
Thankfully, Hulk jumps out of nowhere declaring, “Hulk not like loud noise,” and proceeds to rip up the street and steam roll it over the roller skaters, crushing them to death. Entirely ignoring the dead bodies presumably bleeding out beside them, Hulk then debates the best part of eating Hostess Fruit pies with several of the kids.
While traveling the country in pursuit of a cure for his oversized green affliction, Bruce Banner spends a fateful night at the YMCA, ending in a particularly disturbing shower scene. Think Deliverance meets the Incredible Hulk.
In The Rampaging Hulk #23, Banner gets cornered by Dewey and Luellen in the bathroom after the pair decide his baby face is ripe for the plucking. Reassuring Bruce that he "won't like it this time,” they then prepare to have their way with him, which strangely doesn't anger Banner enough into Hulking out. Fortunately he escapes, but the psychological damage has already been done. Worse still, it's just one of many appalling incidents in the issue experienced by Banner, including stealing library books, being the cause of domestic abuse, being a part of an attempted suicide and getting offered a job promoting a “massage” parlor. The 70s were crazy.
Hulk has been responsible for some of the worst things to happen to Wolverine, like when he ripped Canada's greatest hero clean in half. The most horrifying WTF moment is in a return to Old Man Logan. See, Wolverine goes through a lot - including the Hulk.
After having his wife and kids brutally murdered by the Hulk Hillbilly Gang, Logan comes out of retirement to exact revenge by slaughtering pretty much all of Hulk's unnatural kin. When he finally gets to the big guy, things don't so smoothly, ending with ole Jade Jaws making a meal of the former X-Men member. Wolverine gets the last word though, when he regenerates inside the Hulk's belly and slashes his way through the monster's innards before bursting out his back. All this grotesquerie may have been part of an alternate universe, but it doesn't make Hulk's cannibal chomping any less awful.