When it comes to diary room sessions on Big Brother, no one did them better than Britney Haynes from seasons 12 and 14. It wasn't always so much what Britney said as it was how she said it; she was a pro at sarcasm and facial expressions, often saying exactly what fans were thinking after watching things happen in the house. That's why it's no surprise that Britney is one of the most likable players from Big Brother.
She did not hide her disdain for the people she didn't like and took every opportunity to poke fun at people, albeit in a light-hearted way. So, while a lot of Britney's funniest diary room moments go beyond just the words, she did have some pretty memorable statements, too.
"Here, Have An Apple Pie… Made Of Arsenic!"
This quote perfectly demonstrates Britney's skills at sarcasm, referencing what someone might say when they were being nice to another person's face only to be secretly gritting their teeth and plotting against them behind their back.
That's par for the course on Big Brother, of course. But, while most other houseguests might roll their eyes and admit to doing this in their diary room sessions or reveal they knew someone was doing this to them, Britney made the description of the situation far more animated.
"What Is This Phone Doing In The Diary Room? Oh, Hey Janelle…."
This was such sweet karma, as Britney said this in the diary room following Mike "Boogie" Malin's eviction from the game. She was obviously mocking his original "finger-phone" Chilltown Alliance diary sessions where he and Dr. Will gloated about backstabbing others, including Janelle.
It continues "no, Mike Boogie's not here right now, but I'm actually leaving him a message. Did you want to say something?" What makes this quote among her most memorable: she delivered it in her goodbye message to him when he was evicted on season 14, one of the must-watch seasons of Big Brother.
"'Who Wants To See My Hoh Room?' NOBODY!"
It's what most people are thinking in the Big Brother house when someone walks into the room elatedly asking this question. Sometimes, other houseguests are indeed genuinely excited to see what goodies the HoH has received from home, see photos of their family and friends, and hear their letters from home.
But most of the time, it's a formality that no one wants to participate in—especially if the HoH is an enemy. Britney said in this DR session exactly what most people were thinking; she added that, even though she felt this way, she would still put on a fake smile like everyone else and walk the signature walk up the stairs with the rest of the group.
"Why Do You Have To Be So Dramatic? You're A Homosapien, Brendan? Not A Wizard!"
Britney mentioned this when referencing a competition that Brendon was hosting. He was indeed dressed as a wizard for the themed competition and clearly went out of his way to play the part, trying to act dramatic and wizardly. He shouldn't be faulted for that.
Nonetheless, Britney was annoyed by his theatrics, as she didn’t really get along with him, suggesting that he was being overly dramatic for the sake of attention, and it was unnecessary. It's just a silly competition, after all.
"You Can't Hang Out In Rachel's Hoh Room Without Making Fun Of Her."
Prancing around Rachel's HoH room wearing some of her extensions, Brittany did her best Rachel imitation and started screaming "floaters, get a life vest!" one of Rachel's most memorable quotes.
Britney quickly defended herself when Rachel walked into the room, claiming they were all about to come downstairs to show Rachel—and she bought the lie. Interestingly, despite Rachel being confrontational and involved in one of the biggest fights on Big Brother, she still didn't get angry a Britney, but rather found it hilarious. Still, based on Britney's original comment, they were planning to laugh at Rachel, not with her.
"I'm Going To Miss Sitting In The Backyard With You And Talking About…"
In her goodbye speech to her close friend Monet when she was evicted, Britney was crying and listing off all the things she would miss talking to Monet about while sitting together outside. While it was an emotional speech, it also made Monet laugh.
She mentioned things like their conversations about how high-waisted Kristen's pants were, their many talks about all the things they could do with Rachel's extensions, and how much they disliked Rachel's laugh.
"Enzo Is Hysterical. He's Like A Character From The Sopranos."
Britney described Enzo, who returned as an All-Star for Big Brother season 22, as being "completely, 100% Jersey," with her diary room sessions cut between footage of her and Enzo chatting at the kitchen table. She kept asking him to say different words and was fascinated by how he spoke.
She would ask him to repeat statements like "do you have any coffee?" and was mesmerized that he pronounced it "caw-fee." Meanwhile, she would also try to get him to say things like "I reckon, I'll go walk the dog." The conversation between the two was just as hilarious as the line.
"If Brendon Thinks He Can Get Away With Bullying Me And Spreading Lies About Me, He Has Another Thing Coming"
She continued: "he's a classless, disgusting, vile person." Britney spoke these harsh words about Brendan after his plea speech to her when Britney won Veto and had the chance to use it on him or Rachel. He called her a spoiled brat and selfish, calling her out for betraying them.
This made Britney's decision to decide not to use the veto that much easier. "Just as I'm a spoiled brat," she replied, "you're a class act. You're showing your true colors every day." Indeed, bullying is one of the many serious issues that have been dealt with on Big Brother.