Created by Dan Goor and Michael Schur, Brooklyn Nine-Nine has been making us laugh for six years and we can't wait for it to come back for the seventh season. The show has given us so many hilarious moments that we can re-watch tons of times and laugh every single time. This includes countless side-splitting cold opens.
Choosing the best ones wasn't an easy task. Not by a long shot. So, before we begin we must give credit to these honorable mentions: The Vending Machine, The Tarantula, Dancing Captain, The Ant Infestation, Boyler Gives Out STDs, Wife or Dog, Jake's Daddy Issues, and The Halloween Heist Preparations. Of course, do let us know what's your favorite cold open.
10 OLDEST BAGS
In the opening scene from the fifth episode of the first season, Jake brings in an eighty-one-year-old and the gang starts discussing their oldest collars. Poor Boyle comes into the conversation late and totally misses the mark. Walking into the bullpen Boyle brags about his oldest bag, a sixty-eight-year-old woman. When the group points out that sixty-eight isn’t that old, Boyle says that he was only twenty at the time sending a wave of confusion through the room.
Rosa then points out that Charles isn’t talking about his oldest arrest, but something else entirely and everyone goes “ew”. Boyle attempts to make it seem like he is talking oldest collars, but doesn’t fool anyone. He makes everything even worse when he admits he went to college with the woman's grandson and describes their sexual intercourse like having sex with a transformer.
9 JAKE’S PRANK
Captain Holt is known for his lack of displaying emotion or facial expressions. The Nine-Nine have all learned to live with the fact that their beloved Captain is impossible to read most of the time. However, once in a while, Holt does break his robot persona.
In the season six episode “Sicko,” Jake decides to pull a prank on the Captain. After a number of outrageous suggestions like putting ink on the podium or moving the podium a whole foot to the left, he settles for moving the podium a half inch to the left. No one thinks this will work, but Captain Holt immediately notices that the podium is a bit off. Holt’s reaction is absolutely hilarious, as he breaks into a fit of laughter, saying: "You’re crazy. How did you pull this off?"
8 THE OOPSIE DOODLE
When Captain Holt arrives at the precinct with a cast on his left wrist, the Nine-Nine starts guessing what could be the cause of Holt’s injury. Jake believes that he injured his arm while doing something embarrassing and that’s why he won’t tell them how it happened.
Holt hears them speculating about the nature and origin of his injury and decides to come clean, saying that he hurt his wrist when he tripped over an uneven sidewalk. Holt then does something that comes completely out of left field, as he masterfully trolls Jake by admitting to him alone that he actually hurt his wrist while hula-hooping. When Jake asks why he's telling him this, Holt simply replies “because no one will ever believe you”.
7 NO STORY HERE
In the cold open from the second season’s “Beach House”, Jake Peralta, being the amazing detective that he is, figures out that Captain Holt spilled soup on his pants and is now sitting in his undies. On a dare from absolutely no one, Jake sets out to get visual confirmation.
He comes up with various excuses for Captain Holt to have to leave his desk but none of them work. As a last resort, Jake brings Holt a hot bowl of soup and Holt finally confirms Jake’s suspicions. But, when Jake throws his hands into the air with a celebratory “yes” he drops the bowl and spills soup on his pants. The final scene with Holt and Jake sitting pant-less behind Holt’s desk as Amy enters the office and Jake says: “Look at us, just three people with pants on having a normal conversation” is hilarious.
6 THE FULL BULLPEN
When the night shift Nine-Nine arrives at the precinct only to find themselves stuck in one room because the floors are being waxed, Jake sees this as an opportunity to do something amazing: The Full Bullpen. He puts on a helmet, gets a good luck kiss from Amy, and slides in his socks from Holt’s office towards the elevator, set to the backdrop of Starship’s “Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now”.
However, just as he approaches the elevator the door opens to reveal Captain Holt standing inside. Unable to stop, Jake ends up in the elevator with Holt, while everyone else panics. In a surprising twist, Holt and Jake exit the elevator and Holt lifts Jake’s hand in the air, proudly announcing: “The Full Bullpen!”
5 THE MARSHMALLOW
Over the course of six seasons, Jake has done a fair share of Captain Holt impressions. In the season four episode “Mr. Santiago”, Jake decided it’s time to put an end an age-old query: who does the best Captain Holt impression. Everyone performed the same scenario: Captain Holt eating a marshmallow for the first time.
While the rest of the gang tried their best to sound fancy while describing the marshmallow in their best Holt voice, Charles did a giddy impression that no one found believable. But, the jokes on us, because when Captain Holt showed up and tried the marshmallow he truly did behave the way Boyle predicted, prompting Boyle to victoriously yell out “I knew it!”
4 DIANNE WIEST INFECTION
Has it ever happened to you that you come up with a joke over the weekend and then have to sit on it until Monday to finally release your clever sense of humor upon your colleagues? Well, we know for certain that it has happened to Charles Boyle.
In the season four episode “The Overmining”, Jake Peralta arrives at the precinct and inquires about Boyle’s weekend. Boyle, who clearly had his answer prepared, says he got a little sick because Bullets Over Broadway was playing on TV and he came down with a big ol’ Dianne Wiest infection. The two then stare at each other in awkward silence, until Boyle finally cracks and explains his pun “like yeast!” It's just so funny.
3 AMY'S GIFT TO HOLT
Over the years, Amy has made several attempts to give Captain Holt a gift and every single time she has failed. However, her biggest bomb came in the fan favorite season three episode “Yippie Kayak”.
When Amy explains to Jake her newest elaborate plan to give Holt his gift, Jake does a hilarious recap for Amy to hopefully understand what she did: “So just to recap, you left an unmarked package on a police captain’s desk on a random Monday, with a suspicious message written on it that looked like it was scrawled by a crazy person.” Amy still doesn’t understand how her “gift” might be interpreted until Holt marches out of his office yelling: “Bomb! There is a bomb!” Everything about this cold open is side-splittingly funny.
2 HOT DAMN!
The season two episode “Jake and Sophia” opens with the Nine-Nine impatiently waiting for the elevator door to open as Jake announces that Amy Santiago is officially late for the first time. Everyone then gives their own theory about what caused the perfect Amy Santiago to be late.
Jake ridicules the Sarge’s theory that all three alarms with battery backup didn’t go off and right after Boyle, Rosa, and Gina pitch their more creative ideas, Captain Holt decides to join the fun, guessing that Amy is in the line at the bank. When Amy shows up seconds later and it turns out that there really was a problem at the bank, Captain Holt delivers a hilarious and unforgettable “hot damn!”
1 I WANT IT THAT WAY
There’s only one appropriate reaction to the amazing cold open from the season five episode “DFW”: literal chills. In what we can say is unquestionably one of the best cold opens ever to grace the small screen, the amazing detective/genius Jake Peralta makes the suspects in his line-up sing “I Want It That Way” by The Backstreet Boys.
When they get to the chorus Jake decides to join in and gets a bit carried away with the performance. Jake’s awesome moment is cut short, however, when the witness announces: “It was number five. Number five killed my brother.” Jake’s reaction is the most Jake Peralta thing ever: “Oh my God, I forgot about that part.”