Tobias Funke (David Cross). The strange, awkward, balding man that is husband to Lindsay (Portia de Rossi) on Arrested Development. Tobias is a wannabe actor and most famously a never-nude with his signature jean cutoffs. Tobias has something of an on-again, off-again marriage with his wife and a sort of estrangement from his daughter. He's a member of the dysfunctional Bluth family and can often be forgotten or intentionally ignored by the Bluths. Despite all that, he's still a comedic character if only for his trying efforts and quirky personality. Without further ado, here are 10 of Tobias' best quotes!
"When a man needs to prove to a woman that he's actually... "
Tobias often misreads or otherwise misunderstands the situation at hand. This is one of his best examples. When George-Michael (Michael Cera) presses Tobias for information on where Maeby's origins (Alia Shawkat) in order to determine once and for all if they really are blood relatives, Tobias misunderstands what George-Michael is getting at and begins to give him "the talk." In awkward increments, Tobias gives George-Michael "the talk", until George-Michael cuts him off. This is a more memorable example of Tobias' personality and awkward moments than anything, but it's still one for the books.
"I'm afraid it's merely a cloaking agent from a sadly blunderous afternoon."
In a Season 1 episode, Michael (Jason Bateman) sent Tobias to get some evidence from Maggie's (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) house. Tobias hilariously sneaks in and sprays on a bunch of perfume to mask his scent to get by the "blind" Maggie. The two play a hilarious game of cat-and-mouse when Maggie unexpectedly comes home.
When Tobias later arrives at the courthouse, Barry (Henry Winkler) comments that something smells "wonderful", to which Tobias happily takes as a compliment. Tobias does have his own way with words.
"OH MY GOD THEY'RE HAVING A FIRE...sale."
One of Tobias' first acting attempts goes completely awry, much to our amusement. Tobias certainly has the flair for the dramatic and the eccentric personality to bring to acting, but the skills and talent are sufficiently lacking. In this case, Tobias severely overreacts in tone and context when it comes to a simple audition for an advertisement, but it's certainly entertaining. We love Tobias for his dramatic flair and awry auditioning skills...and we can't resist utilizing the quote anytime we hear someone's having a fire sale.
"Excuse me, do these effectively hide my thunder?"
One of the running gags on Arrested Development is Tobias' rare psychological disorder of being a "never-nude." Tobias is incapable of ever being completely naked, even in front of his wife. Hence, Tobias favors the jean cutoffs, which have become his own personal fashion statement.
In this Season 1 episode, we are given a glimpse of Tobias' disorder when he is with Lindsay, in the doctor's office and when he is in a changing room where he asks an attendant if a red swimsuit bottom hides his "thunder." Well, Tobias, the jean cutoffs do that already.
"I want that part."
Maybe not the most hilarious quote, but it's definitely one of Tobias' hilarious moments. Two seconds before saying "I want that part", Tobias tells Carl Weathers he won't betray his family by signing the rights away so Carl can film a biopic of the Bluths portraying the family and George Sr.'s (Jeffrey Tambor) escape. Turns out, if there's an acting part in it, Tobias has no problem betraying his family's trust. He does fit in with the Bluth family sometimes; in this case, Tobias' rash decision made out of selfishness is suiting as a Bluth family quality.
"Oh boy, I got some looks on the bus cause of this!"
In a Season 2 episode, Tobias is trying to prove to Lindsay that he is a "man's man." He dresses up in plaid and a vest, arms himself with a tranquilizer gun to go out to hunt a wolf, get the reward and bid on his wife at a charity auction. The way he looks, it's no wonder he got some looks on the bus.
Even Michael is disturbed by Tobias's new appearance when he returns to the house. The lengths Tobias will go to are admirable but also strange and borderline dangerous (in this case); Tobias really is a family man in his own way.
"Oh, mercy me! I keep forgetting I'm in the Colonies!"
Remember Tobias' stint as Mrs. Featherbottom? Basically following exactly the same storyline as 1993's Mrs. Doubtfire, Tobias uses a nanny disguise to spend time with his daughter Maeby and to prove to his wife Lindsay that he is a capable actor. Mrs. Featherbottom also exhibits elements of the Mary Poppins character with his singing and the attempt to fly by jumping from the staircase. Tobias goes to many lengths to act the part of his elderly Englishwoman character, including dangerously driving on the wrong side of the road, which is the origin of this quote in this hilarious moment. If nothing else, Tobias is a dedicated actor.
"Okay, Lindsay, are you forgetting that I was a professional twice-over? An analyst and a therapist. An analrapist."
Tobias really has no filter or a general awareness for inappropriate remarks. This is one of the most hilarious examples. In a Season 3 episode, Tobias reminds his wife of his accomplishments prior to his haphazard acting career, to which she reminds him of his near-arrest due to his business cards.
Pronounced "uh-nal-ruh-pist", Tobias' new name for his profession is very misleading considering where people's minds go to when they read the word. Tobias sometimes lacks common sense, but we wouldn't have this hilarious moment otherwise.
"I'm afraid I just blue myself."
Tobias certainly has a tendency to stick his foot in his mouth. Like Michael comments following this sentence, there has to be a better way to say this. Tobias at one time painted himself all blue with the intention of auditioning for the "Blue Man Group", which is where this quote comes from. Tobias is known for his harebrained acting stints from painting himself blue to portraying Mrs. Featherbottom, and without his out-of-the-box thinking we wouldn't have these gags to laugh over. Same goes for Tobias' unique ability to say the wrong thing so casually without realizing its relevance, like "I'm afraid I just blue myself." Perhaps you have, Tobias.
"Ah, the clumsy adolescence. It's a phase we've all been through. Except for me. I was like a cat."
Tobias often misrepresents himself in various situations, or otherwise convinces himself that he possesses skills or abilities that he really doesn't have. Tobias is not quite like a cat; he is perhaps the clumsiest of the Bluth bunch and definitely has some of the most awkward moments (like falling out of a chair or sneaking around Maggie's house). Tobias almost needs to say things like this to boost his wavering confidence. Since practically everyone in the Bluth family is self-centered, they don't pay attention to Tobias' self-esteem. If Tobias needs to believe he's like a cat, we'll let him go on believing that.
Tobias has some of the funniest moments, especially concerning slapstick comedy, on Arrested Development. These moments have brought us some of his best quotes that we'll try integrating into every day life and that will remain a part of eternal pop culture. Excuse us (cue the little Tobias dance) for praising Tobias and his quotes on here; with the Bluth family preoccupied with themselves, someone has to do it.