TNT's hit show Animal Kingdom is the best crime drama on TV since Sons of Anarchy. The show tells the story of Janine "Smurf" Cody and her sons, a family who also makes up one of the most dangerous and skilled gang of thieves in all of southern California. In their world, there's really only one form of education that matters, the art and skill of committing crimes and getting away with them at any cost.
But if this ragtag band of thieves (along with their friends and family) were transported into the magical world of Harry Potter, where exactly would they fit in? It's hard to imagine the Animal Kingdom crew at the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, but surely every one of them could find their place in that world of magic as well. So here's all of the Animal Kingdom characters sorted into their Hogwarts houses.
Craig Cody's on-again-off-again girlfriend, occasional drug dealer, and now baby mama Renn Randall seems like a pretty clever and resourceful lass, so she would probably fit right into house Ravenclaw if she were sent off to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. She's definitely cunning enough to fit into Slytherin too, but the mere fact that she managed to figure out that Craig left her to die when she overdosed based on one clue is especially impressive. It's also pretty impressive that she managed to easily draw Craig into a trap, but was smart enough to not cross Smurf by doing anything too nasty to him.
Oh, poor little Adrian. He thinks that he's cold and calculating enough to roll with some serious heavy hitters, but he's just not a natural criminal in the way so many of the other Animal Kingdom characters are.
Adrian's desire to be self-sufficient and not feel like he was taking advantage of Deran was a kind impulse, but deciding that smuggling drugs was the best way to deal with that problem was clearly the wrong call. Adrian seems to see the good sides of a lot of bad people and doesn't expect the worst of them even when he sometimes should.
I mean come on, of course Mia is a Slytherin. Honestly, Slytherin is the only Hogwarts house that would even take her. Mia is about as Slytherin as a Slytherin could get, and her level of cunning, ruthlessness, and ambition is crazy enough that even the average acolyte of Salazar Slytherin would probably be terrified of her. But unfortunately for Mia, her aspirations for life and her cold-blooded willingness to get cutthroat to achieve them wasn't backed up by enough cleverness to outplay someone like J. Like many Slytherins, her intense ambition, callousness, and recklessness was ultimately her downfall.
Nicky Belmont entered the world of the Cody family as J's kind of dopey, kind of spoiled hookup. She went on to become J's actual girlfriend, and then wound up becoming Craig's girlfriend afterward. Nicky cottoned on to who the Codys were and what they did pretty quickly, but unlike the typical rich teenager, she wasn't put off by it. In fact, she seemed to be pretty into it. Nicky didn't always make the smartest choices, and she ultimately wasn't cut out for the kind of lifestyle the Codys live, but her boldness and lack of fear set her apart and makes her a great match for Gryffindor.
Slytherin often gets a bad rap as the "evil" house at Hogwarts, but that reputation is for the most part unfounded. What sets so many Slytherins apart from the crowd is their instincts for self-preservation and their cunning when it comes to getting what they want or need.
Baz Blackwell, Janine Cody's adopted son, makes for a pretty perfect Slytherin candidate. Baz had the ability to charm nearly anyone he met and was an expert at manipulation, and even as a child he showed enough potential to become a high-class criminal that Smurf decided to take him from his father and indoctrinate him into the family business.
When Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry was first founded, the four school founders set their minds on what kind of students they wanted to teach. Godric Gryffindor wanted to teach the brave, Rowena Ravenclaw wanted to educate the clever, Salazar Slytherin wanted to tutor ambitious, and Helga Hufflepuff wanted to train any student she could get her hands on. So theoretically she would have even been willing to take on a lazy train wreck like Craig Cody. Craig is not without potential, and his simple tastes and personality is well suited to Hufflepuff, but let's be real, none of the other houses would really want to take him either.
For the most part, Smurf's biological children all seem to be relatively simple boys with uncomplicated tastes and desires, but out of her biological sons it seems like Deran is the most complex. As a closeted gay man, Deran certainly developed his ability for believably lying, and his subtle manipulations of Craig, Adrian, and the rest of his family position him to fit right in with the Slytherin crowd.
Deran isn't unnecessarily cruel, but when he feels threatened he doesn't hesitate to act violently towards others if he thinks that it will save him or save someone that he cares about.
Godric Gryffindor said that he valued boldness in his students, and Andrew "Pope" Cody is bold to an absolute fault. Pope seems to be an absolutely fearless person, and whenever something needs to be done he is the first one to charge ahead and try to accomplish it. When the Cody family is in trouble he has no problem being the one to do all of the dirty work, and when he's faced with dangerous situations that even his brothers seem to be frightened of he seems completely unaffected by it. Pope rarely handles situations well, but it's hard to say that he doesn't handle them bravely or boldly.
J Cody is the kind of ambitious and cunning person that Salazar Slytherin would likely be salivating over, but ultimately his intelligence is what sets him apart from the average cunning criminal. J has repeatedly demonstrated a willingness to do what he needs to do in order to survive or to advance himself, but he has also managed to figure out the game that he's playing much better than his uncles despite the fact that he's had about twenty years less time to do it. J knows how to play chess when everyone else is playing checkers, and Smurf is really the only one who is a formidable adversary.
As with J, Smurf is the kind of power-hungry and resourceful person that house Slytherin would just love to have among their ranks, but her ability to outwit all of her competitors and rivals is what sets Smurf apart and has enabled her to survive for this long. Smurf knows how to accomplish what she wants in the moment, but she excels at looking ahead and seeing every angle of her own situation in order to negate any possible threats towards her before they can even pose any threat. She may be colder and crueler than the average Ravenclaw, but she's every bit the kind of brains they're looking for.