Aside from iconic casting and funky cinematography, one of the trademark qualities of any Ryan Murphy production is the repartee. Luckily for American Horror Story fans, the anthology is no exception, as every season is jam-packed with killer one-liners to cushion all that blood and gore.
The humor in the series serves as the spoonful of sugar that helps the twisted storylines go down. Of course, the tonally lighter seasons like Coven produce just as many giggles as screams from the audience, but even the darker seasons like Asylum have a few quick jokes that at least warrant a wry laugh. From witchy snark to 80s satire, every season has at least one stand-out one-liner that sticks with its viewers.
Murder House
"The dead can hold a grudge better than most Scorpios."
Billie Dean Howard slanders Scorpios to Constance Langdon in the sixth episode of Murder House. Given that Billie Dean is a recurring psychic medium in the series, she would know better than anyone.
Comparing the dark and vengeful spirits of the Murder House to any astrological sign is funny in itself, but people who are familiar with astrology might note that this dig at Scorpios is hilariously true. Part of what has made this wisecrack so notorious is that Ryan Murphy himself is a Scorpio, as is the season's star, Dylan McDermott.
Asylum
"A movie full of fire, sex, and the death of Christians... what fun!"
A possessed Sister Mary Eunice excitedly delivers this comment to Briarcliff's residents about The Sign of the Cross, which Sister Jude is so graciously allowing them to watch on the night of a Nor'easter.
Seeing sweet Sister Mary Eunice this thrilled to watch the death of Christians is definitely comical, but the devil inside of her may just have a point with this one. Sister Jude's decision to show The Sign of the Cross to all of the patients in the asylum during a storm is certainly questionable. After all, if the in-house demon is this excited about it, then it may not have been the best idea.
Coven
"This coven doesn't need a new supreme, it needs a new rug."
After slashing Madison Montgomery's throat and watching Spalding wrap her bloodied corpse in the rug, Fiona Goode coolly comes out with this iconic line.
The transition from a graphic murder to a witty remark is peak American Horror Story. While Coven might have the most notable one-liners, this shallow yet layered comment stands out, as viewers have barely recovered from Fiona killing Madison on the suspicion that she's the next supreme. It adds insult to injury, but not without a dose of clever humor that has gone down in Coven history.
Freak Show
"Your silence is utterly provocative."
Dandy Mott looks the murderous Twisty the Clown right in the eye and makes this pithy remark while first welcoming the clown into his bedroom, apparently entirely unintimidated by Twisty's look.
This is a bold remark for a man-child. At this point in the season, viewers are perfectly aware that there is something wrong with Dandy. In fact, some of the most chuckle-worthy parts of the season come from his ridiculous behavior. That does not make it any less comically brow-raising when he has the gall to look a killer clown in the eye and insult his silence, especially since silence is a part of Twisty's scare-appeal.
Hotel
"Bitches want pâté? pâté they shall have."
Liz Taylor says this hard-hitter as she plops a can of cat food onto a plate to serve as room service to the stuck-up hipsters that made Iris cry.
Especially in Liz Taylor's drawl, this line really pulls together both the glitter and grit of the Hotel Cortez. Coupled with the action of dumping catnip onto a silver platter with her bright red nails and glam jewelry, this is truly an iconic Liz Taylor moment. The comedy of the quip comes full circle when both hipsters only enjoy one thing about the hotel: the "pâté."
Roanoke
"Oh, leave me alone, I'm not American, I'm not used to all this carnage!"
British actress Audrey Tindall yells this zinger to her American co-stars while panicking over the gruesome murders of all of the crew members on set.
While most of American Horror Story can be read as a critique of the real horrors in the country, this line is a real crack at violence in America that earns any guffaw that comes after it. On top of being snappy yet dark commentary, it also seems to be a bit self-referential, given how often characters in American Horror Story have to quickly move on from seeing bloody corpses to keep the plot moving.
Cult
"F**k a manwich!"
Close to his breaking point, the ever-so-charismatic cult leader Kai Anderson exclaims this when Ally offers him a sloppy joe.
Cult is not as well-stocked on one-liners, but fans immediately took a liking to this iconic exclamation. It is a simple yet stark mile-marker on Kai's journey to madness. The rest of the scene shows Kai frantically trying to figure out whether or not someone has planted a bug on him, which might be the only good excuse for him to decline a sloppy joe, because "a sandwich is a sandwich, but a manwich is a meal."
Apocalypse
"On Thursdays, we get Ryan Reynolds."
Jeff Pfister references one of the sexual benefits that he and Mutt Nutter receive from the Illuminati. This calls back to earlier in the episode when Madelyn capped off her own satanic benefits with "On Friday nights I get Ryan Reynolds."
According to Apocalypse, Ryan Reynolds is a busy man. Name-dropping the actor as various Illuminati members' sneaky link is hilarious, especially when it is done by the coked-out robotics experts portrayed by Evan Peters and Billy Eichner. The real Ryan Reynolds even tweeted about the line, saying, "Thursday is the new hump day."
1984
"Hey Rambo, my class isn't for posers-- this is aerobics, it's serious."
While teaching her aerobics class, Montana is very serious when she says this to none other than Richard Ramirez, the Night Stalker.
In one of American Horror Story's best seasons, built on 80s satire, this line carries a lot of weight as one of the most notable snappy comments of 1984. Not only does it poke fun of just how serious 80s folks were about their aerobics, but Montana says it to one of the most notorious real-life serial killers of all time. She even makes fun of his hair by calling him Rambo. This is the exact sort of bold bon mot that defines American Horror Story.
Red Tide
"I stopped Burger King from opening in this town, I can stop you."
This is a threat from the mouth of Holden Vaughn as he demands that Austin Sommers and Belle Noir get rid of the Gardner family in light of the chaos following fishermen discovering the police chief's body.
In such a serious scene, this earns a snort from viewers as one of the more noteworthy moments of Red Tide's final episode. Stopping someone from dealing out drugs that turn people into soulless, bloodthirsty monsters might require a different skillset than stopping a fast-food chain, but it is a very characteristic revelation for Holden. It's worth noting that there really are no Burger Kings in Provincetown.
Death Valley
"Because I'm Mamie Goddamn Eisenhower."
While attempting to save humanity from being overrun by an alien species, Mamie Eisenhower herself delivers this line in response to the question, "Why do you get to decide what's right?"
Historically, Mamie Eisenhower is known for making Halloween celebrations and birthday parties for adults a regularity in America. In Death Valley, she is also a total badass. After spending four episodes rooting Mamie on as she ventures from planning holidays to making peace with aliens and assuming the role of Deep Throat, viewers could not help but both cheer and laugh when the pink-loving first lady asserts that she is, indeed, "Mamie Goddamn Eisenhower."