Lock up your Santas and hide the crack cocaine, because It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia returns tonight for a 13th season that promises more violence, more drinking, and another new look for Mac.
The past 12 seasons of the show have seen the gang get into some pretty depraved situations - from faking cancer for attention, to unwittingly taking part in a liquor store robbery. So, ahead of whatever horrors season 13 will bring, we've compiled a list of the worst things the Always Sunny gang has done so far.
This isn't a complete list, of course, since the gang are really terrible people who have done a great deal of terrible things, many of which we probably don't even know about (we never did see what happened to "The Shusher," after all). However, these are our picks for the worst of the worst crimes from the last 12 seasons of It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia.
- This Page: Kittens, A Dumpster Baby, & More
- Page 2: Kidnapping, Cannibalism, & More
- Page 3: Drowning A Child, The Death Of Dennis Jr., & More
Put Kittens Down A Well & Then Set The Well On Fire
Episode: "Frank Sets Sweet Dee On Fire" (3x08)
In this episode, Sweet Dee's desire to become famous despite having no talent collided with Frank, Mac and Charlie's efforts to create an exciting news reel. They came up with a plan to have Dee run into a burning building and save a box of kittens, but Dee messed this up by throwing the kittens violently out of the building. In a second attempt, the poor kitties were put down a well and Dee was sent down to rescue them - but again, the well was set on fire and, again, Dee threw the kittens. Fortunately the gang lost interest in the scheme before reaching the final stage (putting the kittens on a conveyor belt with a chopping mechanism at the end).
Sold Alcohol To Minors
Episode: "Underage Drinking: A National Concern" (1x03)
In this early episode, the gang was shocked to discover that Paddy's Pub had become the go-to watering hole for high schoolers (due to the fact that no one bothers to ask for ID). As a group, they decided to do the responsible thing and... continue to serve alcohol to the teenagers, watered down and with the prices jacked up. Not content with simply serving the kids in the bar, Mac and Charlie later delivered a keg to a high school party, and Charlie ended up getting invited to the prom. So did Dee and Dennis. Everyone did, except for Mac.
Painted A Baby With Shoe Polish
Episode: "The Gang Finds A Dumpster Baby" (3x01)
Continuing the theme of the gang attempting to shape the youth of tomorrow, Mac and Dee briefly became the guardians of a a baby that they found in a dumpster, and decided to kick-start Dumpster Baby's career in modelling. After being told that the market was over-saturated with white babies, the pair naturally decided to make D.B. look Latino. After being rudely turned away from a tanning salon, where they had hoped to "cook him for a couple of minutes... just to get a base," Mac and Dee redoubled their brownface efforts and began painting D.B. with boot polish. Fortunately, child services stepped in at this point.
Broke A Young Boxer's Neck
Episode: "Hundred Dollar Baby" (2x05)
Dee's simple wish to learn a bit of self-defense went off the rails after she unwisely took up Frank's offer to train her. What followed was a spiralling disaster of pill addiction, extreme aggression, and underground fight clubs that ultimately landed Dee in jail right before before her big match with rising star Brianna Thunderson, daughter of Frank's old nemesis Bobby Thunderson. Frank decided to fight Bobby in order to settle their old feud, but punched him before the bell - knocking him into Brianna and in turn knocking her over so that she landed neck-first on a stool. We never saw the aftermath of this episode, but it's safe to assume that Brianna's boxing days were over.
Broke Ruby Taft's Heart
Episode: "Charlie and Dee Find Love" (8x04)
Charlie Kelly is the perpetual underdog of It's Always Sunny - given the worst jobs in the bar and perpetually rejected by the waitress of his dreams. As such, it was pretty heartwarming when Charlie won the heart of beautiful billionaire heiress Ruby Taft, who liked him for who he was (terrible cheese breath and all). But then, in what was easily the most shockingly cruel display from Charlie in the series, he revealed that his plan all along had been to make the Waitress jealous. He broke Ruby's heart and humiliated her in front of her family and peers, and then cheerfully went off to receive his reward: a slightly relaxed restraining order.
Ran A Sweatshop
Episode: "The Aluminum Monster vs. Fatty Magoo" (3x05)
Frank Reynolds is an old hand at running sweatshops, so when he caught wind of the gang's dress-designing scheme, he quickly took over production. Together, Mac and Frank created an astonishingly hostile work environment - recruiting a team of Eastern European seamstresses to stitch the dresses together for less than minimum wage, training Charlie to beg for treats like a dog, installing a steam whistle in the sweatshop, and blasting German war propaganda at top volume. Even with the cheap labor, however, the sweatshop ended up operating at a loss when it turned out that no one was actually interested in buying the dresses.