The reasons that got us here are irrelevant. Maybe Batman killed Krypto because we know how much he hates animals or maybe Bats got Lois pregnant because we know how much he likes having sex with his friends’ girlfriends. It doesn’t really matter. Point is, Superman is out for blood. The only question now is: how’s he going to take down the Bat?
While there are only so many ways the World’s Greatest Detective can kill the Man of Steel, there are precisely a gajillion bazillion ways Superman could turn off the Dark Knight’s lights. Sure he has some of the deadliest gadgets known to man, but realistically, would they ever be enough to stop Superman? Let’s just say Batman hasn’t had a decade of prep time to ready for every scenario imaginable. In that spirit, we’re breaking down the best, fastest and most unusual options the Last Son of Krypton has for ending Gotham’s Caped Crusader.
Here are 15 Ways Superman Could Easily Kill Batman.
15. Fly Right Through Him
Let’s just all agree on something right from the start: Batman is infinitely cooler than Superman. But there’s little doubt that on any given Sunday, the latter could destroy the former in the blink of an eye. Literally. If the Man of Steel speedblitzed Batman, the Dark Knight would never see it coming, and only realize what had happened after he looked down and saw a Superman-shaped hole in his body.
Just to put some numbers to this…the Flash once stated that Superman’s speed is over 2,000 miles a second. That comes out to roughly 7,200,00 mph, or Mach 9350. A F-15 fighter jet can fly around Mach 2.5. So imagine an angry F-15 flying 4,000 times faster than it normally does directly into Batman. What would that look like? Probably something along the lines of an anvil with good hair and a red cape getting dropped on a water balloon. It’s hard to imagine that even the Caped Crusader’s most powerful Batsuits could withstand an assault like that.
14. Fly Batman into Space
While we’re on the topic of flying, there are far less messy ways to kill Batman. Like taking him on a scenic one-way trip to the deathly void of outer space. Being human, we’re pretty sure Batman can’t breathe there. After 15 seconds, he’d be unconscious. If he was holding his breath, his lungs would explode. Of course, the World’s Greatest Detective would know this, so he would fully exhale and instead opt for the one to two minutes it would take to asphyxiate to death in hopes of pulling a Star-Lord.
You might think, why even bother with all that flying and not just punch Batman into space? As surprising as this may be to Superman fans, there are some things even he can’t do. Like break the laws of physics. But then again, a punch like that would jellify the Caped Crusader on the spot. Being the classy Kryptonian he is, Supes would probably choose to save the clean up and let the cosmos do the work.
13. Sneeze in His Face
If you’ve ever visited the Silver Age of comics, then you know some strange things went down there, most of which included gorillas. One of its most bizarre anomalies was the incredibly convoluted superpowers of Superman. Like his ability to destroy an entire solar system in a single sneeze.
Just imagine what that type of snot velocity would do to Batman’s face? The average human expels 40,000 droplets of snot at over 100mph when they blow their nose canons. Obviously, this is only a fraction of the power behind the Man of Steel’s mucous momentum. So even if you didn’t believe Superman was capable of decimating planets with his super-sneeze, you have to figure it could decapitate the Dark Knight. Or at the very least infect him with some alien bacteria that the Caped Crusader’s immune system is in no way prepared to handle, resulting in the equivalent of Kryptonian Ebola. Either way, Batman meets a very gross demise.
12. Time Travel
When you can reverse time by flying around the Earth backwards really fast, you can pretty much do anything. Like visit that fateful day when Bruce Wayne’s parents were murdered and stop it from ever happening. There would be no motive to create the Bat, and the world would be left with just another spoiled trust fund megalomaniac. And really, can we ever have enough of those?
Though if he was feeling particularly murder-y that day, Superman could just as easily swoop in right after young Bruce witnessed the two horrific deaths and punch the lad into a wall. Or sneeze in his face. But why stop there? Why not go back and prevent Bruce’s parents from conceiving him in the first place. Or head even further and seduce Bruce’s mom so she never marries Bruce’s dad by ruining all other men for her, you know, because he’s Superman. No blood gets shed, Superman and Martha Wayne have a nice evening (assuming Clark can get over that first name thing), and Bruce’s dad dodges a bullet. Everyone comes out a winner. Except Batman.
11. Rid Gotham of Crime
Let’s get serious for a second. Superman would never actually kill Batman. Yes, Superman does kill on occasion, but only under extreme circumstances (unless it’s the New 52). He’s just too much of a big blue boy scout. But there are plenty of other ways to rid the planet of the Caped Crusader other than shedding his temperamental blood. Like giving him no reason to exist.
We’ve just touched on how this could happen, but let’s say for a second that time travel wasn’t an option. Something Superman could very easily do in the present day is rid Gotham City of all its crime and criminals. No longer having a purpose, Bruce Wayne would have little choice but to hang up the mantle. Done and done. Of course, we’ve seen both Joker and Poison Ivy give Superman a run for his money in the past, but in those instances, they blindsided him, and in this one, he’d be on a mission to take them down. After duking it out with the likes of Anti-Monitor and Imperiex, we’re pretty confident the Man of Steel is up to the task.
10. Ask Him to Protect Metropolis for a Day
While Superman could theoretically eliminate Batman by turning Gotham into the spitting image of Metropolis, it would be even easier if he were to just sit back and let the Caped Crusader try and stop whatever universe-destroying threat was attacking The Big Apricot that day. How long do you think Batman could last against Doomsday? Brainiac? Mister Mxyzptlk? Or even Zod, who can do pretty much everything on this list only with an even worse attitude.
The two mega-cities aren’t that far from one another, yet their level of villainy is light years apart. Metropolis gets attacked with some of the most powerful beings in existence at a mind-boggling rate. Just imagine Batman going up against Darkseid. Oh wait, we don’t have to. It happened, and he got fried to a crisp. And then Superman saved the day. With Batman in charge of Metropolis’ safety, he’d be dead by lunch. Though even if there weren’t any bad guys around, he’d probably still get squashed by the Daily Planet globe, which seems to fall every five seconds.
9. Become a Successful Businessman
Everyone knows Batman is only as good as the gadgets in his utility belt. Remove all that fancy tech and expensive equipment and what are we left with? A grown man running around in tights telling everyone he’s a bat. Not so impressive. Though it might seem unorthodox, that’s why it would be a genius move for Superman to use all his other worldly knowledge and super-mathematics to put Batman out of business for good.
Unlike Batman, Superman isn’t a show-off. Which is why you might not know that the Man of Tomorrow possesses an extraordinary intellect and flawless eidetic memory. When Kryptonians are exposed to a yellow sun, their already advanced intelligence is enhanced to super-humanoid levels, allowing their brains to operate faster than a supercomputer and instantly understand all languages. These are skills that would come in particularly handy if Superman were to, say, build a multi-billion dollar conglomerate fueled by a whole bunch of alien-derived innovations that drives Wayne Enterprises defunct. Since most of Batman’s wealth and technology is tied up in the successes of his alter ego’s company, its bankruptcy would destroy his greatest resources and effectively kill everything cool that makes Batman the Batman.
8. Rip Him Apart with Mind Control
By the very nature of their existence, being more the result of wayward writing than anything else, many of Superman’s superpowers should be taken with a grain of salt and probably ignored. But where’s the fun in that? Especially when you’ve got things like telekinesis to play with.
In the ’80s, Superman’s strength, invulnerability and ability to fly was explained as being the result of tactile telekinesis, allowing him to create an invisible moveable field around himself and anything he touches. A few years later, this talent was awesomely expanded upon in the canonical masterpiece, Superman IV: The Quest for Peace when Superman repairs the Great Wall of China. No, Superman doesn’t magically have wall-building vision. He is able to restack the destroyed structure and lift people using a telekinesis emitted from his eyes, obviously. The details are irrelevant. Just picture what would happen if Batman ran into a bloodlusting Superman who looked a lot like Christopher Reeve. Things wouldn’t even have to get physical. Using just his mind, eyes and or touch (depending on how this crazy superpower actually works) Superman could mentally lift a helpless Batman into the air and rip him apart limb by limb.
7. Kiss Him
Never underestimate the influence of a really good kiss. Especially when it has the unexplainable power to erase your mind. And kill your alter ego. In the most tender way to non-violently eradicate Batman, the Man of Steel could opt to give him a little lip action and selectively erase Bruce Wayne’s memory of ever becoming Batman.
Don’t try to figure out why or how it is possible. Just sit back, relax and watch two of the world’s greatest superheroes settle their issues with their tongues. When all is said and done, Superman can fly away with the mission peacefully accomplished, and Bruce Wayne can strut down the street with a whole new outlook on life, void of young boys wearing hot pants and women who purr. As an added bonus, for all those out there with their fingers crossed that Superman and Batman would one day hook up, this one’s for you.
6. Throw Something at Him
Superman is so strong that he could throw literally anything at Batman and kill him instantly. A small pebble, say. The Batmobile. An aircraft carrier. Or Robin. Thanks to the combination of his supervision and x-ray vision, rest assured that the Man of Steel’s aim is spot on, no matter what obstacle stands in his way. And being the physically strongest superhero around, the velocity of whatever he tosses, regardless of its size, would pass through Batman like a super-speeding bullet at best, and at worst, squash him like a bug.
And even if Superman did not want to take enough care to aim his toss, he could just drop a mountain on Wayne Manor. Or, if he wanted to get really creative, throw a cellophane ‘S’ at him. Sure it wouldn’ cause any harm, but while Batman is trying to figure out what the hell just happened, Superman could punch his head off.
5. Freeze Him
When the Caped Crusader whipped out his Kryptonite ring to put the Man of Steel in his place, how did Supes stop the threat? By pursing his lips and turning Batman’s hand into a popsicle. Now expand that to his entire body, and we’re left with one surefire means to put the Dark Knight on ice.
With the added threat of his speediness, there is no end to the ways Superman could pull this off. Like when Batman goes to yawn, Superman could swoop in, blow into his mouth and permanently chill his innards. Or maybe the Dark Knight’s swinging around Gotham, and Superman swoops in and turns him into a frozen cube in mid-air, causing Batman to plummet eighty stories and shatter on the hard cement below. Regardless of how many freeze resistant capes he’s got hanging in his cave, we’re pretty sure Batman can’t withstand the full force of Superman’s super-breath. It did after all once blow the Earth back into orbit. And freeze the brain (yes, the brain) of an entire planet. Any way you carve it, a hurricane-strength ice gust like that blown in Batman’s face can’t be healthy.
4. Vaporize Him with Heat Vision
From cold to hot, probably Superman’s most lethal power in his overstuffed bag of super tricks is his heat vision. It’s kind of hard not to die from eye lasers. But even if Batman’s had enough time to throw on a heat resistant power armor, he usually makes the obvious mistake to leave a rather large hole around the lower half of his face — a perfect target for a mouth full of fire.
Superman is insanely accurate with his heat vision and has a range that extends past the moon while standing on Earth. Which means he can lobotomize Batman from wherever he wants, whenever he wants. In fact, he once safely removed a tracking device implanted in the Dark Knight’s skull using his heat rays. So just picture what would happen if he decided to let loose and incinerate Batman on a molecular level. Or if he didn’t want to take the time to aim he could just blast the entire planet and increase the Earth’s core temperature until every living thing, including Batman, gets fried. Though that just seems like overkill.
3. Flick His Forehead
We know all about how deadly Batman’s fists can be, but compared to Superman’s, there is no contest. A breakdown of what would happen if Superman punched you in the face showed that if the Man of Steel’s fist was 300g (which is below average) and moving at 99% the speed of light (which he has been depicted as capable of doing), then his punch would impact with the force of 45 megatons of TNT, resulting in an event 2,800 times more powerful than Hiroshima. Basically, you’d have the atoms knocked right out of you.
Even if Bats could find some way to shield himself, there’s little hope of stopping a force like that. Though the chances of Superman swinging with all his strength are slim, if he were to just speed up to Batman and flick him in the head, the result would be just as deadly. Remember Chigurh’s air gun from No Country for Old Men? Kind of like that, minus the mop top.
2. Make Batman Kill Himself
No, we’re not talking about Superman using his super-intelligence to play mind games with Batman, leading him down a convoluted path of self-destruction and ultimate suicide in the vein of David Fincher’s The Game. We’re talking about something far more impressive and deadly: telepathy.
That’s right, Superman is telepathic. Or at least he was one time during the Silver Age, which is good enough for us. On that occasion, he used this impressive hereto unexplained ability to read his enemy’s mind and mentally influence them into releasing him from captivity. So don’t think he couldn’t just as easily implant the thought in Batman’s head to kill himself. But if you’re not biting, then maybe the time Superman hypnotized a criminal into turning himself into the police (or even when he hypnotized the entire population of Metropolis via a floating TV screen) will do. We don’t know about you, but Batman seems to be just the right amount of crazy for hypnosis.
1. Kill Alfred
If you want to get Batman where it hurts most, what better place to strike than his beloved Alfred. We concede that Batman can be a wily little sucker. There’s a chance he’ll find some inexplicably convenient way to get around Superman’s best attacks. But if you can’t get to the man, his butler will do just as well.
Of course, killing Alfred might be a little extreme (who doesn’t love that guy), so we’ll settle for a good hearted kidnapping. With Alfred gone, who will cook Batman’s meals? Bruce might die of starvation. Or loneliness. Who will pick him up after he falls? Batman will be so distraught that he’ll have no choice but to crawl up into a ball in the corner of the Batcave and cry himself to death. Suffice to say, no Alfred means no Batman.
Sure, Alfred is no stranger to kidnappings, but he’s never experienced a Superman kidnapping, so there’s little chance of escape. Just ask Supergirl. His only hope is if Batman can muster the courage on his own for a rescue. Fortunately for Superman, in such an event, the Caped Crusader will be so blindsided by emotion that he’ll be a super easy target for a flick to the head.
Got any other ways for Supes to kill the Bat? Or don’t think he could ever pull it off? In any event, sound off in the comments.
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