Last summer I beat my body up mentally, physically and emotionally to look into the future and make some predictions of what would be Hollywood’s next latest and greatest movie idea fads. I touched on Clothing, Appliances, School Supplies and even Mundane Everyday Activities to compile a list. I guess I was painting with too broad a brush though, because I failed to see the onslaught of toys and board games that Hollywood was interested in making into a movie (read: messing up).
We’re entering a strange new world folks, one where a new set of Hollywood executives are in control, and much like me riding a mechanical bull with my shirt off, it ain’t pretty. Someone’s grandmother, mother or aunt was going through little Bobby Studio Exec’s old stuff up in the attic and found some old toys he used to play with. Of course Bobby Studio Exec can’t resist thinking to himself, “Oh man, this would make a great film franchise! I can’t wait to share this with my other Studio Execs on the playground!”
I know what you’re thinking, “Whew, Paul, at least Bobby didn’t mention anything about 3D.” WRONG! From this point onward, all films are assumed to be in 3D unless otherwise stated. Saying a film is going to be in 3D now is like saying it’s going to have sound and will be in color. So would you like to know what is in Bobby Studio Exec’s toy chest? Sure you do – so let’s take a stroll down memory lane before Hollywood ruins it forever.
We’ve already heard there are going to be films based on View Master, Hot Wheels, Monopoly, Battleship, Magic 8-ball, Candyland, and most recently, Erector Set building toys, but what else is in Hollywood’s toy chest? [Just in case you can’t tell, this article is completely fictional and just for fun.]
#7: Pogo Stick – Action/Comedy
Synopsis: John Pogo, a middle class vending machine repairman, is a good guy that never gets into trouble and manages to avoid confrontation by ignoring it. One day, he steps out of his boundaries to save a woman and her son from would-be robbers. She calls him a hero and it sticks. He uses his talent for jumping on a Pogo Stick to fight crime and uncovers a plot to destroy the world.
Director: Matt Vaughn Writer: Mark Millar Starring: Taylor Lautner, Bill Murray and Gina Davis
#6: Rubik’s Cube – Thriller
Synopsis: A crazed killer called Rubik is on the loose in the city of Los Angeles and he’s targeting reporters. Nine strangers wake up in different colored rooms, knowing nothing about how they got there or why they have been forced to play Rubik’s deadly game. Can they solve the insane puzzle before the 10th victim falls prey to Rubik’s Cube?
Director: Christopher Nolan Writer: Eli Roth Starring: Bruce Boxleitner, Ally Sheedy, James Roday (And yes, I’ve heard of Vincenzo Natali’s Cube – these are the jokes, people.)
#5: Operation – Horror/Psychological Thriller
Synopsis: Sam Cavity is a man living in a horrible nightmare. Every time he goes to sleep, he wakes up with a new scar in a different location. What is going on? He’s terrified and no one believes him – not the cops, not the doctors and not his friends. First his Spare Ribs were removed and then his Wish Bone; now it’s his Bread Basket and if he doesn’t figure out who is doing this to him, he could soon lose his Adam’s Apple and Broken Heart. The one person that does believe him is a familiar stranger from the hospital, who seems to know more than he is letting on. Can he help Sam from becoming a patient on the run?
Director: John Carpenter Writer: Stephen King Starring: James Van Der Beek, Mos Def
#4: Marbles – Action/Drama/Thriller
Synopsis: When the mysterious crime boss “Shooter” declares war on the cops of Marble City, his deadly gang “The Ringers” turns the city into a crime ridden nightmare. With no one willing to help them, one guy, Tom Bowler, forms a group of neighborhood vigilantes to start taking his city back. The group consists of Popper, Shooter, Taw, Bumboozer, Tonk, Masher and Peewee. Together they call themselves “The Marbles” but they must defeat Shooter’s right hand man Cats Eye if they want to bring order back to Marble City.
Director: Sam Raimi Writer: David Hayter Starring: Ryan Reynolds, Jeffery Dean Morgan, Billy Zane, Verne Troyer, and Mimi Rogers
#3: Marbles Reboot – Action/Drama/Thriller
Synopsis: The story is basically the same as the first film except now it is set in high school and will be a more darker, grittier version of the film and will include, teen vampires, werewolves and wizards. Nicholas Cage has a cameo as the guy who loses his… wait for it… Marbles! (Come on, you knew it was coming). It will now also feature mo-cap technology and will be distributed by Disney. They also have a theme park attraction planned for it.
Director: J.J Abrams Writer: Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman Starring: Chris Pine, Chris Hemsworth, Tom Cruise, Vince Vaughn, Sandra Bullock, and Meryl Streep
#2: Cracker Jack’s Toys – Kids/Animated Adventure
Synopsis: Two young brothers discover a large box full of Cracker Jack toys while playing in their grandfather’s attic. What starts out as a harmless afternoon of fun and imagination soon turns into a wild adventure as they are transported by a Magical Decoder Ring to the mystical land of Cracker. There they meet up with Sailor Jack and must help him retrieve his sacred Temporary Tattoo before Rubber Face uses it take control of Cracker.
#1: Uno – Romance/Comedy
Synopsis: Young Jillian Graver is a card playing savant and has mastered every card game she has ever played – but has done so at the expense of her love life. When the chance to enter a Uno tournament comes her way, she jumps at the chance to show her prowess for the game. She was expecting to win but what she didn’t plan on was falling in love – with her fiercest competitor, Ulysses N. Ottoman . Will she find love at the cost of losing the game?
Director: Drew Barrymore Writer: Nicholas Sparks Starring: Jessica Alba, Luke Wilson, Betty White
That’s all I can share for now but I get chills just thinking about the endless possibilities that can be made from all of the toys and games throughout history. Jump Ropes, Pick-Up Sticks, Ants in the Pants, Connect Four, Chinese Checkers, and let’s not forget classic toys like Lawn Mower Bubble Machine, roller skates, Slinkies and Silly Putty.
You might be letting out a mildly humorous ZOMG! right now and be thinking, “Come on Paul, you’re being silly. There’s no way Hollywood would ever make a movie about marbles and pogo sticks, much less reboot that idea.”
If I told you 4 months ago that we would be covering a film about pieces of steel that kids use to build miniature bridges, you would have laughed it off. “No way will they make a movie about an Erector Set.” Who’s doing the face palm of shame now?
Some honorable mentions by our Twitter followers include:
Grand Theft Auto – @CraigKessler
Jacks/ Hungry, Hungry Hippos/ Mousetrap – @Cinetuyoymio
Creepy Crawlers – @tunnytunney
Spaceknight – @kenoboss
What other toys and games didn’t I include that you think Hollywood shouldn’t, but probably will, make into a big screen adaptation?
Follow me on Twitter @Walwus