6 (Wussy) Ways to Watch a Scary Movie

Published 1 year ago by , Updated April 9th, 2013 at 8:23 am, This is a list post.

6 (Wussy) Ways to Watch a Scary Movie

6 (Wussy) Ways to Watch a Horror Film Almost everyone loves scary movies. "Almost" though, doesn't include people like me. You won't catch me going alone to watch any scary sci-fi films or ghostly horror films. Even though I'm a fan of sci-fi movies and enjoy watching action-horror films like Cabin in the Woods and Resident Evil, I just don't have the fortitude to keep my eyes open during films like, Event Horizon, Children of the Corn or Friday the 13th. I could just skip all the films that give me nightmares for weeks but unfortunately my friends want to see them and I don't want them to know just how big a wuss I am. So I've devised some sure-fire methods that will allow anyone to make it through an entire scary film on the sly – some subtle, others not so much. Check out my 6 (Wussy) Ways to Watch a Scary Movie and look like stone-cold hero to your friends.

The Long Blink

6 (Wussy) Ways to Watch a Horror Movie - The Long Blink The Long Blink is as simple as it sounds - just close your eyes for an extra couple of seconds while blinking. Sometimes a scary movie lets you know when the next jump-scare or seat-jumping scene is about to take place - use this to your advantage. For this method to work properly, however, you MUST learn each of the story beats directors use to telegraph upcoming jump-scares - foreboding music is the most common - because they will inevitably be different in each movie you watch. If you miss the signs then as the scene suddenly occurs you will, without fail, scream out like a little girl at a Justin Bieber concert - and trust me, your friends WILL make fun of you the rest of the night (quite possibly longer). I still regret not employing this method while watching Child’s Play 2 with my friends in 1990.

The Tilted Hat

6 (Wussy) Ways to Watch a Horror Movie - The Tilted Cap Method Sometimes a scary scene can go on for what seems like forever - in cases like this you'll need to make use of The Tilted Hat method. Simply adjust your ball cap so the visor is blocking out most of the screen, then adjust it back once the scare-inducing set piece is over. The advantage to using this method is that you can keep your eyes open the whole time and still be able to catch the gist of what is happening on screen. This way, when your friend leans over saying, "Oh man that demon totally ripped that guys face off!” you can respond quickly with "So awesome!" They'll have no idea you didn't watch a second of the frightening footage.

Sporting Shades

6 (Wussy) Ways to Watch a Horror Movie - Sporting Shades Occasionally a horror film - The Exorcist - is so scary that you’ll need your eyes closed more than they're open. When this happens you better be Sporting Shades to hide your tightly closed peepers – or it's going to be a long night of scares and ridicule. Unless you're Roddy Piper or an ultra-cool hipster like our own Ben Kendrick, wearing sunglasses indoors is typically frowned upon but if you tell your friends you just had your eyes dilated then you might be able to pull this method off. However, if you're like me, you already wear glasses, you’ll need to stick to 3D horror films like Silent Hill: Revelation and Texas Chainsaw to take advantage of the dark-lenses in 3D glasses.

Fake Restroom Break

6 (Wussy) Ways to Watch a Horror Movie - Fake Bathroom Break We all know not to drink a vast amount of fluids before seeing a movie, especially a horror film as they can sometimes scare the pee out of you, but that doesn't mean you can't use a full bladder as an excuse to avoid the more unnerving parts of a film. Using the predictive techniques described in The Long Blink, excuse yourself as the fright-inducing scene unfolds for a Fake Restroom Break. None of your friends will be the wiser as you quit looking at the screen to navigate the steps in the dark and enter the side tunnel. The major downside to using this method is a some point you'll need to go back into the theater or you risk raising the suspicions of your friends - unless you suddenly develop dysentery (which could happen since some theaters are SO dirty).

The Finger Fan

6 (Wussy) Ways to Watch a Horror Movie - The Finger Fan Every once in a while a film will give the audience a sudden and unexpected shock rendering other scare-avoidance tactics useless - enter The Finger Fan. While not quite as subtle as other methods it’s still quite useful and once mastered can be very effective. To perform a proper Finger Fan do the following: Place your hand over your eyes, spread your fingers apart just enough to let light through but not enough to see the scary scene. Done and Done. You'll need to remove your hand soon after the audience settles down or you might have to tell your friends you’re yawning or have a headache. Of course, if you want to look like a horror stud just tell them you were facepalming the scene for being so dumb.

See No Evil, Hear No Evil

6 (Wussy) Ways to Watch a Horror Movie - Hear no Evil, See No Evil The See No Evil, Hear No Evil method should only be used in dire circumstances and only when there are no other options available. Once deployed, your friends WILL tease you, strangers will laugh at you and little children will mock you. The moves are basic but the results are fool proof: Shut your eyes so tight that you see "floaters" and pretty colors, place your hands over your ears to block out any scary noises and hum a happy song to yourself - rocking back and forth in your seat with your head down is optional but encouraged for maximum effectiveness. Again, this method will require you to endure days, weeks and possibly months of teasing on Facebook by your so-called "friends" but it will most definitely keep you nightmare free.

6 (Wussy) Ways to Watch a Scary Movie

6 (Wussy) Ways to Watch a Horror Film To recap, you can avoid scary scenes in movies using one of the following methods:
  • The Long Blink
  • The Tilted Hat
  • Sporting Shades
  • Fake Restroom Break
  • The Finger Fan
  • See No Evil, Hear No Evil
Which of these tried-and-true methods have you used and which do you plan on trying next time you're at a scary movie with your friends? Follow me on Twitter - @MoviePaul - and tell me what methods you use to keep from having to watch scary movies.

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  1. I’d like to share a personal experience of mine. A very bored friend asked me to watch a movie with him. Out of the list of movies he already watched, there was only 1 movie, a very scary Japanese horror movie that he hasn’t watch. Despite my deep dislike for horror movie… we decided to watch that in the end. After the movie’s only playing for 5 minutes, his long-distance girlfriend called and he went out of the theater to pick up the phone -leaving me, who was starting to freak out, on my own, watching the horror movie alone-. Apparently he had a huge fight that lasted through the entire run of the movie, that he returned inside only for the credit scenes… but guess what, I lost my fear of horror movies ever since. So that might be one of the good tips I can give to those who want to watch horror: Watch it alone! XD (hey, at least it worked for me)

  2. It’s movies, what is there to be scared of. I can understand if you are 12, but grown up people should know better. I lost my fear of horror movies 20 years ago, watched The Evil Dead a few times, after that nothing was really that bad anymore. I’m pretty sure most people grow out of it which is why you remember horror movies from your childhood the most.

  3. Also, if there’s a scary movie that you happened to miss, for whatever (wussy) reason, yet you do want to see it. Just watch it durring the day. Honestly it lowers the scariness factor by at least 50%. That’s how I watched the Exorcist for the first time (I was 9 years old at the time however).

  4. This was a funny article lol not gonna lie I hate jump scares – and I might’ve used one or two of these tactics Haha but its only because my awesome deadly reflexes get mistaken by others as me being scared

  5. The recent “Woman in Black” actually creeped me out so much I didn’t sleep well. A movie hasn’t done that since I was a little kid (And it was only a 12A!!) It just goes to show that being gory and being scary are not the same thing at all.

  6. Haha funny article. I might also add “food fumbling” as a good technique if you have popcorn or a soda. Pretend to dig around in the popcorn tub or readjust your soda lid, keeping your focus off screen for the impending scare. Works like a charm. ;)

  7. I don’t understand it, when I’m camping and there’s a snake right next to me in my tent, I’m as cool as a cucumber (only one of many example of my unparalleled bravery ;)), but once I’m watching a movie about an evil clown serial killer or some demon-thing, I turn into a little girl (and not a tough little girl either).

    Thanks for the tips Paul, I’m sure they’ll come in handy… there’s just something about horror movies that gets to me. Obviously I know it’s not real, but when you’re in a dark theater and the music’s building up to the inevitable scare, the brain chooses to ignore all logic and sensibility :(

  8. The “Tilted Hat” should only be employed at open-air screenings. It is extremely poor form to sport any headwear whilst indoors.

  9. “I just don’t have the testicular fortitude” I don’t think I’ve ever heard it put like that before haha :D