Almost everyone loves scary movies. “Almost” though, doesn’t include people like me. You won’t catch me going alone to watch any scary sci-fi films or ghostly horror films. Even though I’m a fan of sci-fi movies and enjoy watching action-horror films like Cabin in the Woods and Resident Evil, I just don’t have the fortitude to keep my eyes open during films like, Event Horizon, Children of the Corn or Friday the 13th.
I could just skip all the films that give me nightmares for weeks but unfortunately my friends want to see them and I don’t want them to know just how big a wuss I am.
So I’ve devised some sure-fire methods that will allow anyone to make it through an entire scary film on the sly – some subtle, others not so much. Check out my 6 (Wussy) Ways to Watch a Scary Movie and look like stone-cold hero to your friends.
The Long Blink is as simple as it sounds – just close your eyes for an extra couple of seconds while blinking. Sometimes a scary movie lets you know when the next jump-scare or seat-jumping scene is about to take place – use this to your advantage.
For this method to work properly, however, you MUST learn each of the story beats directors use to telegraph upcoming jump-scares – foreboding music is the most common – because they will inevitably be different in each movie you watch.
If you miss the signs then as the scene suddenly occurs you will, without fail, scream out like a little girl at a Justin Bieber concert – and trust me, your friends WILL make fun of you the rest of the night (quite possibly longer). I still regret not employing this method while watching Child’s Play 2 with my friends in 1990.
Sometimes a scary scene can go on for what seems like forever – in cases like this you’ll need to make use of The Tilted Hat method. Simply adjust your ball cap so the visor is blocking out most of the screen, then adjust it back once the scare-inducing set piece is over.
The advantage to using this method is that you can keep your eyes open the whole time and still be able to catch the gist of what is happening on screen.
This way, when your friend leans over saying, “Oh man that demon totally ripped that guys face off!” you can respond quickly with “So awesome!” They’ll have no idea you didn’t watch a second of the frightening footage.
Occasionally a horror film – The Exorcist – is so scary that you’ll need your eyes closed more than they’re open. When this happens you better be Sporting Shades to hide your tightly closed peepers – or it’s going to be a long night of scares and ridicule.
Unless you’re Roddy Piper or an ultra-cool hipster like our own Ben Kendrick, wearing sunglasses indoors is typically frowned upon but if you tell your friends you just had your eyes dilated then you might be able to pull this method off.
We all know not to drink a vast amount of fluids before seeing a movie, especially a horror film as they can sometimes scare the pee out of you, but that doesn’t mean you can’t use a full bladder as an excuse to avoid the more unnerving parts of a film.
Using the predictive techniques described in The Long Blink, excuse yourself as the fright-inducing scene unfolds for a Fake Restroom Break. None of your friends will be the wiser as you quit looking at the screen to navigate the steps in the dark and enter the side tunnel.
The major downside to using this method is a some point you’ll need to go back into the theater or you risk raising the suspicions of your friends – unless you suddenly develop dysentery (which could happen since some theaters are SO dirty).
Every once in a while a film will give the audience a sudden and unexpected shock rendering other scare-avoidance tactics useless – enter The Finger Fan. While not quite as subtle as other methods it’s still quite useful and once mastered can be very effective.
To perform a proper Finger Fan do the following: Place your hand over your eyes, spread your fingers apart just enough to let light through but not enough to see the scary scene. Done and Done.
You’ll need to remove your hand soon after the audience settles down or you might have to tell your friends you’re yawning or have a headache. Of course, if you want to look like a horror stud just tell them you were facepalming the scene for being so dumb.
The See No Evil, Hear No Evil method should only be used in dire circumstances and only when there are no other options available. Once deployed, your friends WILL tease you, strangers will laugh at you and little children will mock you.
The moves are basic but the results are fool proof: Shut your eyes so tight that you see “floaters” and pretty colors, place your hands over your ears to block out any scary noises and hum a happy song to yourself – rocking back and forth in your seat with your head down is optional but encouraged for maximum effectiveness.
Again, this method will require you to endure days, weeks and possibly months of teasing on Facebook by your so-called “friends” but it will most definitely keep you nightmare free.
To recap, you can avoid scary scenes in movies using one of the following methods:
- The Long Blink
- The Tilted Hat
- Sporting Shades
- Fake Restroom Break
- The Finger Fan
- See No Evil, Hear No Evil
Which of these tried-and-true methods have you used and which do you plan on trying next time you’re at a scary movie with your friends?
Follow me on Twitter – @MoviePaul – and tell me what methods you use to keep from having to watch scary movies.