The Avengers isn’t the only team that could defend Earth. In fact, we’ve assembled 10 of television’s mightiest heroes to take on Loki and his army. And guess what? They won. Why? Because I said so… and this is all pretend anyway.
*Don’t forget to check out the photo of the complete team at the end.
(portrayed by: Brian Cranston)
Occupation:Car Wash Owner (cough)
Abilities: Chemical Expert, Narcotic Expert, Expert Strategist, Superior Intelligence
Nemesis: Gustavo “Gus” Fring
Special Abilities: Making People Do What He Wants (No Matter What), Sh*t Doesn’t Phase Him
Avengers Classification: Nick Fury
It takes a special kind of someone to be able to wrangle these personalities, and there’s no one better at making people do what he wants them to do, without knowing it, than Walter White. Sure, there may be some “problems” here and there if you don’t go along with him, but when push comes to shove, he’s going to know how to take down Loki, his army AND Loki’s drug supplier all in one foul swoop.
What? A man has to make a living.
(portrayed by: Matt Smith)
Species: Time Lord
Abilities: Expert Strategist, Expert Negotiator, Demon Expert, Monster Expert, Alien Expert, Weapons Expert, Superior Intelligence, Regenerative Abilities (limited), Combat Expert
Nemesis: The Master
Special Abilities: Sonic Screwdriver, Bow Tie, Fez
Avengers Classification: Iron Man (Tony Stark)
A galactic bachelor at dual-heart, the Doctor has many loves in his life – and for whatever reason, Earth is on the top of his list. Having previously saved the world numerous times already, the only thing that Loki and his army makes the Doctor do is laugh while adjusting his bowtie. With Sonic screwdriver in hand, the only thing that will slow the Doctor down is wood.
The Doctor’s warning: “You are not the first to have come here. Oh, there have been so many. And what you’ve got to ask is, what happened to them?”
(portrayed by: Jensen Ackles)
Abilities: Combat Expert, Weapons Expert, Monster Expert, Demon Expert, Master of Disguise, Vehicle Expert, Experienced Strategist
Nemesis: Richard ‘Dick’ Roman
Special Abilities: Can See Fairies, Difficulty Staying Dead, Friends in “High” Places
Avengers Classification: Steve Rogers (Captain America)
Having grown up fighting every monster and demon known (and unknown) to man, Dean Winchester is a born avenging machine. On top of that, he has died three times, yet is still alive. Guess what, Loki? Dean has seen Heaven and Hell. So when he starts tearing through the army you sent, Dean will be nice of enough to ask you where you’d like him to send them.
…unless the only option he gives you is “up your a**.”
(portrayed by: Alexander Skarsgard)
Occupation: Vampire Sheriff, Owner of Fangatsia
Abilities: Vampire Powers, Combat Trained, Weapons Trained, Monster Expert
Nemesis: Russell Edgington
Special Abilities: Holds Grudges, Super Blood
Avengers Classification: Thor Odinson
The eldest of the group, Eric Northman has eaten the best and worst of humanity – so Loki is nothing more than just an oddly seasoned alien kabob to him. Sure, he may have problems in the sunlight, but so do many people. With no time to be prejudice about complexion, we’ll have to deal with Eric’s nighttime needs somehow. Good thing this group has three scientists in it.
How many scientists does your group have, Loki? Yeah, just ugly dudes… that’s what I thought.
(portrayed by: Sam Huntington)
Occupation: Hospital Orderly
Abilities: Lycanthrope Transformation, Superior Strength (during that time of the month), Regenerative Healing, Heightened Senses, Superior Speed
Nemesis: Full Moons
Special Abilities: Expert Worrier
Avengers Classification: The Hulk (Bruce Banner)
The most reluctant of the group, Josh’s full powers don’t come out until a full moon, but that doesn’t mean he’s not strong as hell otherwise. Making use of his heightened strength near a full moon, Josh could easily toss around Loki’s army. Of course, if we happen to need him to go full werewolf, that won’t be a problem.
You see, Josh has this secret… It’s always a full moon.
(portrayed by: Maggie Q)
Abilities: Combat Expert, Weapons Expert, Expert Marksman, Expert Assassin, Explosives Expert, Master of Disguise, Master Spy
Special Abilities: Combat Expert, Weapons Expert, Expert Marksman, Explosives Expert, Master of Disguise, Master Spy
Avengers Classification: Black Widow (Natasha Romanoff )
One of the most deadly assassins in the world, Nikita was raised to be an ass-kicking machine. Proving that point by kicking the ass of the “machine” that created her, this sultry femme fatale only has one weakness… deep-voiced men.
(portrayed by: Timothy Olyphant)
Occupation: Federal Marshall
Abilities: Combat Expert, Handgun Expert, Expert Marksman, Expert Strategist, Expert Negotiator
Nemesis: TBD (depending on the day)
Special Abilities: Pulling (Don’t Make Him Pull)
Avengers Classification: Hawkeye (Clint Barton)
A lawman at heart, Raylan Givens can’t just let Loki and his army invade the planet without having SOMEONE from the law enforcement community showing up to let him know that planet invasion is kind of illegal here. He may not know – this could just all be one big miscommunication.
Oh, it’s not? I guess it’s time to pull then.
(portrayed by: Emily Deschanel)
Occupation: Forensic Anthropologist
Abilities: Combat Expert, Weapons Trained, Expert Marksman, Expert Strategist, Superior Intelligence, Superior Wealth
Nemesis: Christopher Pelant
Special Abilities: Fitted Wonder Woman Costume (limited use), Proficient Akonting Player
Avengers Classification: Wasp (Janet Van Dyne)
A lady of science, with fists of fury, Brennan is what we like to call our “secret weapon” of the group. While it’s true that she won’t be able to take on Loki alone, there’s no doubt that Brennan could handle her own if Loki’s army decides to bust into the Jeffersonian while she’s working.
What’s she working on, you ask? Oh, just her new book, her upcoming movie, her current FBI case, her stacks of unidentified remains AND figuring out how to easily make waste of your army. ALL WHILE maintaining a healthy relationship (finally) AND raising a child.
Why did she put your army last, Loki? I don’t really want to get into this, but she said something about your civilization not being as advanced as you said you were, and that it’s actually quite simple to defeat you guys.
(portrayed by: John Noble)
Occupation: Owner of Massive Dynamic, Scientist
Abilities: Superior Intelligence, Chemical Expert, Genetic Expert, Expert Strategist, Fringe Science Expert
Nemesis: David Robert Jones
Special Abilities: LSD, Root Beer Float, and Blue Cotton Candy Expert
Avengers Classification: Doctor Strange (Stephen Strange)
Does this one really need to be explained? Walter Bishop took Leonard Nimoy and put him in Olivia’s head, and then turned him into a cartoon… which Walter joined in on. I’ve never seen the Enterprise do that, have you?
Yeah, Walter Bishop may not have the brawn of the group, but he certainly has a majority of the brains. Well, except for those parts that were taken out. But he wanted them taken out, so that doesn’t really count.
What counts is that with a single cow, some LSD and a sensory deprivation tank, we could have this whole Loki thing figured out quickly. What’s that, Walter? Kill Loki with rainbows? Okay, yeah… we’re going to need some more LSD.
(portrayed by: Michael C. Hall)
Occupation: Blood Spatter Analyst
Abilities: Combat Expert, Chemical Expert, Expert Strategist, Master of Disguise, Expert Locksmith
Nemesis: Dark Passenger
Special Abilities: Dark Passenger Onboard
Avengers Classification: Ant-Man (Henry Pym)
Dexter Morgan, what are you doing here? Did you get that whole weird sexual thing with your sister (but not sister) worked out? Is She okay? Yeah, I mean it was weird for me watch, I can only imagine what it was like for you.
Oh, I am so sorry… I didn’t even notice that you had someone all plastic wrapped up here. Who is that? Loki?! How did you end up here? How is that plastic wrap holding you? Oh, it’s a joke! Haha, good one, Loki.
…but seriously, Dexter is standing behind you with a BIG needle. Yeah, Northman is there with him. I know, right? F’n Northman.
Sure, we may have needed a few extra characters to help make the match even, but I think the world will once again be safe from invading forces. Well, until the sequel gets a release date.
…and when that happens, The Avengers of TV will be back.
Why? Because we’ll need them to return.
**You can check out the full-sized photo of The Avengers of TV by clicking HERE.**