Fortunately for Santa, he has a good publicist,
who told us in a letter who should be on this list.
Marvel Comics, Image, and even Warner’s DC
have, at the time, made their comic books Christmas-y.
The Clauses of comics don’t always make sense, but these books are fondly remembered on December 25th.
From megalomaniacs to barroom brawls, we look to these superhero santas as the snow falls.
So to the countdown we go to see
the 15 Weirdest Santas in Comics History!
15. Santa Doom – What The?!
Santas don’t get sick days, at least that’s what we’re told, but one year he couldn’t help it, he had something worse than a cold. Doctor Doom ruled Latveria, sometimes doing good, so Santa took him a present to encourage him as much as he could. Santa wasn’t prepared to get through the Doctor’s traps; he ends up hurt pretty bad, an expected mishap. Though Doom takes care of Santa, it’s the gifts for which Santa is afraid. For if Doom doesn’t fill in for Santa, how will the deliveries get made?
As he gathered the reindeer to do what was right, the masked dictator shouted into the night, “Prepare Yourselves, Creatures! Away we will zoom! I’m the new monarch of Christmas! I am Santa Doom!” Confronted by the Fantastic Four, Captain America and a couple lame Avengers, Doctor Doom tries to explain but the heroes aren’t the best listeners. Their fight is broken up, by children watching all of this transpire, for no one wants to see Human Torch set St. Nicholas on fire. When Santa gets to feeling better he thanks the fascist for his service, Doom sends him on his way while holding a teddy, thinking, “I deserve this.”
14. Big Bertha – GLX-Mas Special
They say it ain’t over till the fat lady sings, but when the lady is Santa, that’s when the party begins! Though it’s really Big Bertha on the cover of the book, the stories inside are all kind of funny, so let’s take a look. Squirrel Girl goes out to get eggnog, but instead saves the day. She defeats the big headed MODOK, the evil leader of AIM. We meet a super suited hero, Grasshopper is his name. By the end of the book his sister hits on him, but thankfully thrones aren’t his game.
Squirrel Girl has to go back out for the toilet paper, because that’s her kind of luck. Into battle with Thanos she got pulled, her Christmas is starting to suck. But fear not dear reader, for in this book you see, Squirrel Girl calls the shots and Thanos loses easily. She’s congratulated by the Watcher, so through the universe it will resound, “Squirrel Girl saved Christmas, shots all around!”*
* He didn’t say that.
13. Post-Rapture Santa – Battle Pope
Before The Walking Dead was famous, Robert Kirkman wrote a book, a tale about the last Catholic Pope that God forsook. To redeem himself before the lord, he must fight off the demon horde. Jesus is his sidekick, a laidback hippy dude, whose birthday not going celebrated puts him in a sour mood. For nobody remembers him on Christmas, when Santa comes to town. Because everyone knows having a birthday on Christmas is a major letdown. But on this Earth with such a sad turns of events, Santa’s living in a dumpster, his energies’ spent. He’s mad at Jesus’s daddy, so a fight is a brewin’, but all works out in the end, for the Virgin Mary is Battle Pope screwin’. With so many things happening that seem so wrong, it leaves the reader wondering, can’t we all get along? Santa says sorry and Jesus forgives, and happily never after did the cast of Battle Pope Live. Blasphemous as the book is it really makes you think, how many eggnogs did Robert Kirkman drink?
12. Lucha Santa – The Amazing Joy Buzzards
Traveling the world, three wise men there were; a punk band by trade called The Amazing Joy Buzzards. With an amulet they call on the power of El Campeon, they partner with a luchador to fight beings from the beyond. Willing to serve anyone in their darkest hour, not just the Joy Buzzards can call on his power. The rockers appeared in an Image Holiday Special. It’s here where we learn that Santa used to wrestle.
One wintery Christmas, Black Peter made his move, the dark spirit of christmas for kids that are rude. To the North Pole El Campeon quickly did travel, Black Peter’s plans he would unravel. “No One Fucks with Santa!” The Luchador would shout. The punisher of naughty children retorted, “Watch you mouth!” Claus and Campeon teamed up to kick his ass with style, proving their partnership was good, even if they hadn’t fought in a while. So remember dear children when you’re in serious trouble, Santa and El Campeon are ready to rumble.
11. Santa Castle – Punisher X-Mas Special
Once upon a time there was a vigilante named Castle; as the Punisher, he gave the mob quite a bit of hassle. His family was killed in a gangland crossfire, leaving him lonely when watching a yule-log fire. Just because it’s Christmas, Frank doesn’t take the night off. He takes his pain out on scumbags, instead of grieving his loss.
When Castle heard about a criminal ripping off charities, the Punisher dressed up as Santa to eliminate the sleaze. Santa Frank happens upon a damsel in distress, and after giving the attacker a beat down, it would turn out she was the guy’s sis. “Is this a weird sex thing?” Santa Frank would shout. It would turn out not at all, they were just trying to draw Frank out. ‘Twas a favor they needed – stopping a stalker – so Frank agrees to send the guy to a doctor.
10. Nick St. Christopher (Sensational She-Hulk)
Among Christmas miracles we celebrate every year, the character of Jennifer Walters we hold very dear. The mild mannered lawyer is the Hulk’s kin-folk, after a transfusion of Banner’s blood she turned into the She-Hulk. When a murder case becomes too hard for her to solve, a PI named Nick St. Christopher decides to get involved. You see Santa has a penchant for helping solve crimes, he knows who’s been naughty and who’s telling lies.
After the pair locate where a serial killer lives, down the chimney Nick snuck to find evidence. The victim’s effects were hidden at the defendant’s place, but Jennifer knew she needed a warrant for the case. Unfortunately the defendant couldn’t be connected to the home, until dear old Santa realized he didn’t live alone. To Australia did St. Christopher whisk She-Hulk away, to talk to the ex on the lease was her name. Solving a crime, what a fabulous gift, unless you’re Santa’s wife, who was noticeably pissed. Nick couldn’t help but find Jenn very attractive, but sadly for her Mrs. Clause gave the reindeer a laxative.
9. Infinity Gauntlet Santa – Marvel Holiday Spectacular
The power Santa wields in the hearts of the world is quite mighty, to take advantage of him villains plot at it nightly. The Skrulls posed as reindeer to as part of their attack. To Marvel’s Illuminati he turned for a weapon he lacked. The power he needed to mount a defense was the Infinity Gauntlet its power quite immense. Quickly Santa dealt with the alien invaders, but mad with power he became seeing everything as dangers.
In front of the most powerful superheroes in the world, Ol’ St. Nick would look them in the face and call them “Little Girls”. Though Captain Marvel would definitely have kicked his ass, if she’d been around; it would take a snowball from Namor to knock Santa to the ground. When he awoke Claus came to his senses, he was sorry for the behavior the superheroes had witnessed. Without reindeer to help Santa deliver the presents, Tony Stark stepped up to create Iron Deer without any hesitance.
8. Santa Strange and Bat-elf – Batman Brave and the Bold
Many people have asked, where does Santa Claus come from? Well I can tell you, alas, he’s not from Krypton. You see the spirit of Christmas did not begin where you think it began, it all started with superheroes Adam Strange and the Dark Knight, Batman. They teamed up for “The Last Christmas” to try and save the world, but things would get a little hinky when time travel gets involved.
After stopping the Calendar Man from committing his mischievous, Batman is whisked away to Rann to handle some business. An antimatter wave is destroying the universe, but Adam Strange has a plan for how the disaster could be reversed. Defeating Psion would prove the easy part, it was recalling the antimatter wave that would almost tear them apart. While rebuilding the universe it almost seemed to be Santa’s image, being helped by an elf with an almost bat-like visage. So you see readers they saved us, and as a result we celebrate. Batman and Strange created Christmas spreading mirth and hope.
7. Hydra Giant Robo-Santa – Marvel Holiday Special
Christmas in New York is a dangerous time, just try going shopping and look at the lines. Fin Fang Foom isn’t happy to be living among humans, when Doctor Strange’s man Wong recognizes the the dragon. Hydra attacks with a giant Santa robot, but Fin Fang Foom doesn’t care or give it a thought. Wong steps up to defend all the civilians, but he’s failing as the Santa tries to kill him. To his aide the villain did run, surprising everybody, that son of a gun.
Evil Jaeger Santa didn’t stand a chance, when Foom stepped into the ring and said, “You wanna dance?” As the robot hailed hydra and made quite a mess, Wong and Foom put their new friendship to the test. Winning the day, the robot was destroyed, letting all of the New Yorkers go back to shopping for toys. Wong said goodbye to Foom having earned his respect, the dragon admitting for a human, he didn’t make him totally sick.
6. Grey Hulk & Rhino Santa – The Incredible Hulk
Bruce Banner’s mind had multiple sides that didn’t always agree, but between them they shared a love for green and Christmas trees. It’s sacrilege for a supervillain clown to dress up like Santa in the Hulk’s town. The Rhino wasn’t always known as being the smartest tool in the shed, but 2nd to Paul Giamatti this is the dumbest thing he ever did. One night when the Rhino was lonely and trying to make friends, he would find he even scared bums – his disappointment never ends. He doesn’t want to live in an alley, but that’s his lot in life, Hulk and Spider-Man keep kicking his ass and he doesn’t want the stryfe.
The criminal decides to become a Santa, stealing the classic red suit, he just needs to make a little money, he doesn’t want to be a brute. But then a Christmas miracle, a department store had a job, for an erstwhile Santa didn’t show up – giving him the nod. When a child realizes it’s Rhino, he knows the gig is up; because also in the store is the Hulk and things are about to get f*cked up. In front of all the children the titans punches flew, the kids mired in confusion, wondering what did Santa do? The rivals would stop and remember the dream, that no matter who’s fighting Christmas means peace.
5. Demon Santa – Blade
Sometimes children wonder, how does Santa suit get so red, and why is Santa’s hair white and he looks like he’s undead? Santa is might be a demon, a soul stealer of the night; hopefully not the actual santa, but an interloper Blade wants to fight. Mall Santa’s bring joy to children the all over the world, well maybe in the suburbs they bring joy to boys and girls. To Pennsylvania Blade goes, finding himself on a mission, bringing silver bells and bullets and shades for his vision.
While shopping one Christmas, for gifts he had to buy, Blade caught sight of a demon Santa with his eyes. The demon hopped around from shopper to shopper, and when the victims of the demon killed themselves there was nothing Blade could do to stop ‘em. But luckily Blade figured out the best way to stop the menace, he shot Santa in the face and then took off with all the presents.
4. Nick or Sir – Lobo Paramilitary Christmas Special
I know somewhere you were looking to see if Lobo’s Paramilitary Christmas Special did I include for thee. Of course the bastich is here to represent, judging by how much the Christmas spirit he resents. A hit on Santa’s head, the Easter bunny did place. Lobo accepts; planning to shoot Claus in the face. But thankfully children don’t fret for Saint Nick, he’s got ways of dealing with naughty children, even this dick. Santa knows how to fight, he can go round for round, but when the rounds are bullets, Santa eventually goes down. Fans of christmas carnage made a movie of the tale for you to see, watch how it all went down yourself, don’t take it from me. And for those of you thinking, with it the Easter bunny got away, Lobo would take him out too, for all the holidays did he hate. And for those of you waiting to see Lobo on the screen, Jason Momoa is playing Aquaman and that casting is just mean.
3. 90’s DC Super Santa – JLA
Sometimes creative license is taken to keep the story of Santa in children’s hearts. When Plastic Man gets carried away is how our trouble starts. Telling his young ward of Santa’s great adventure, that would see Santa become a member of the Justice League – not an Avenger. Claus would step in and save the day, when the demon Neron overcomes the JLA.
Neron would grant great power to beings he deemed worthy, but there was a price to pay like Ursula in that mermaid movie. But Santa’s just like Bruce Willis, there’s just no buying him off, he give the gift of Christmas spirit and spreading love. To turn the tables on the foe, Kris Kringle would have a gift to bestow. Unable to trade something to hold overhead, the Demon Neron felt better off dead. As Santa explained to the demon that needed to hear it, it’s a spirit of giving, no feeling comes near it. With the child disbelieving there arose such a clatter, outside there was Santa, heat-vision setting things on fire. It may have been a Martian, playing a joke, but it certainly convinced a child his belief was not mistook.
2. Santa the Barbarian
The 90’s were weird, even by North Pole Standards, some people thought Santa needed a reboot, taste didn’t matter. A backstory was given for the bearded one, that didn’t quite jive with holidays and fun. From Rob Leifeld’s brain did the imagery spill, a Santa without legs but boy could he kill. The idea started life as a trading card for Wizard, that was a magazine – paper websites for nerds.
As Christmas time neared a problem became clear, everyone had become naughty Santa had feared. Coal was no longer doing the trick to remind kids to be nice; so he got himself an axe, there heads off he would slice. A reign of terror Santa would incite comes to a head when his elves put up a fight. The damage he does with his sword isn’t nice, it gives a new meaning to O’Holy Night. The idea was kind of funny, we must admit, but the final product delivered was just a pile of shit. As terrible as it was it’s even worse than the hype, the thing literally ends with the line, “Happy Christmas to all and to all a big knife.”
1. Santron – Marvel Holiday Special
Within the pages of 2005’s Marvel Holiday Special, writer Jeff Parker brings a Christmas story that’s on the level. In the book, wars not so civil had yet to break out; thus to celebrate the holidays, all the heroes had come out. The origins of our story start with an inventive girl, who wants to build a Santa robot for children all over the world. But it’s soon revealed to be Santron – a version of that Ultron cad, who cannot complete his mission of merriment without first being bad. The Avengers are able to defeat Santron with a secret weapon – Aunt May’s cookies fresh from the oven. The special ends with Captain America delivering a speech, why we need Santa, go on Steve, preach:
“This is a skeptical age. People don’t believe in things they can’t comprehend. But to say there’s no Santa Claus? You Might as well say there are no heroes. Some among us inspire childlike faith and wonder – they become more than people or even legends. They become ideals. Ideals are bigger than any person, and we need them. They speak to what’s best in us.
There’s a veil covering the unseen world that even the strongest that ever lived can tear apart. Only faith, fancy, poetry, love, romance – can push aside that curtain and picture the beauty and glory beyond, is it all real? There’s nothing more lasting or real.
…As sure as generosity and devotion exist to give life joy there is a Santa Claus.”
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