By Vic Holtreman

Short version: Although you might expect that people in their forties would find this funny, it will probably be funnier to folks in their twenties to whom forty seems infinitely far away.

Now I’m sure I haven’t lost my sense of humor because I just watched a comedian parody President Bush and although I voted for him I found it laugh-out-loud funny.

This DVD, not so much.

“But why are you rating it 2.5 stars?” you may ask… Basically because upon a second viewing it did elicit a few chuckles and when I step back and look at it, I imagine that if I was in my early to mid 20’s I might actually find his routine a lot funnier.

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By Vic Holtreman

Short version: Convoluted and confusing, but with the coolest looking vampire I’ve ever seen on screen.

Although the first Underworld was not a cinematic opus, it was actually kind of a fun popcorn movie. Kate Beckinsale was fairly impressive in the first film as a female action hero, and she had her moments in Underworld: Evolution as well, although here I thought she got lost in the muddle that was the script and served more as eye candy (yeah, yeah I know, that’s why she was hired) than an effective heroine.

By Vic Holtreman

Short version: You’ll forget about this terribly miscast movie (that is *almost* made bearable by Michael Chiklis and Chris Evans) as soon as you leave the theater.

In this post about the Fantastic Four movie, I said:

“It’s the first one [trailer] that actually shows the tiniest bit of depth as opposed to a low cleavage, snappy dialogue, special effects bonanza of a movie.”

I’m here to tell you that the “tiniest bit” is all you’re going to get in Fantastic Four as far as depth of character. On the bright side, Michael Chiklis (as “The Thing”/Ben Grimm) and Chris Evans (as Johnny Storm) both do a great job individually and as an ever-arguing pair. On the other hand, when the best performance in a movie comes from the off-screen puppeteers manipulating a latex mask, you know you’re in trouble.

I suppose I should get to a few details about the movie…

The film opens with Reed Richards (played by Ioan Gruffudd) and Ben Grimm arriving at Victor von Doom’s corporate building. The fact that von Doom (played by Julian McMahon) has a huge ego and that Richards, although (supposedly) brilliant, has all the self-confidence of a scrawny, pimply-faced 14 year old is immediately established. How it is that Reed and Ben came to be friends isn’t really established, and after Reed’s presentation we learn that von Doom, Richards, Ben and Susan Storm (Jessica Alba) all know each other from way back when.

By Brian Rentschler

Short version: Sadly, this superfluous sequel follows the time-honored Hollywood tradition of being vastly inferior to its predecessor. It has a few genuine scares, but for the most part it’s kind of boring.

I wanted to like this movie. I really did, but sadly, the mediocrity got in the way. And to be honest, it wasn’t terrible; it was just okay. I wanted it to be great, like The Ring was great. I actually had my hopes up, mainly because Hideo Nakata, who directed the Ringu series on which this franchise was based, directed this one. I wanted to be scared, but The Ring and The Grudge were much scarier than this movie.

Before I go any farther, I want to clarify that to properly review this movie, I have to reveal some plot points from this movie’s predecessor, The Ring. So if you haven’t already seen The Ring, you should watch that first before you read this review. (It’s a better movie anyway; trust me.) I won’t reveal any crucial plot points from The Ring Two in this review, though. That policy hasn’t changed.

By Vic Holtreman

Short version: Another series that started out awesome but should have quit after the first movie.

Well, dammit, I was really hoping that despite all the bad buzz on this thing I might buck the trend and actually like it, but, as Alex Trebek might say: “Sorry….. no”.

Blade: Trinity opens with a voiceover talking about how the movies have it wrong about vampires. Right off the bat we’re treated to the joys of four-letter words in this little introduction. It is a sign of things to come. We open in Iraq, midday, with some special forces-looking types dropping from a helicopter close to some ancient monument. In another highbrow moment, one of the members of this party (covered head to toe in protective garb) flips the bird at the sun. This is the subtle hint that these guys are vampires. They make their way into the temple find some ancient writings (which one of the members of this “archaelogical team” refers to as “chicken scratch”) along with signs of a body in the ground beneath them.

Beyond that, cut to some good old-fashioned Blade action in which our hero is taking out vampires left and right with explosions, swords and guns. This was a welcome relief from what came before. Unfortunately, Blade is caught on tape executing someone, it makes it into the news, and we learn that vampires are taking a cue from the recent election’s dirty tricks playbook to use the media to help take Blade out of action.

By Vic Holtreman

The short version: A promising concept that has it’s moments, but ultimately it’s more about gore and sadism than about delivering scares.

Generally I like to include an image with my movie reviews, but I really couldn’t find a photo from the movie that I’d care to include here due to the gruesomeness of what’s available. If you’re looking for a geniunely scary movie, keep looking because Saw isn’t it. Sadistic, yes. Gory, yes. But not scary.

It’s a shame, too, because I was really in the mood for something that would give me the heebee jeebees.

Within certain circles, there’s been a fair amount of hype about Saw, and as the credits started to roll I had that uneasy “Do I really want to see this?” feeling. The opening credits had a ghostly look to them, the music was creepy, and the movie’s first scene opened very dimly lit, in almost complete darkness, preparing me for who knows what. I thought I’d be in for something along the lines of Se7en, but much more intense. Sadly, it wasn’t even close.

By Brian Rentschler

Short version: A dark, morbid and depressing movie that will leave you feeling unsatisfied and, for lack of a better term, icky.

Man on Fire is actually the second film adaptation of the novel by A.J. Quinnell. (The first was an obscure 1987 film of the same name, starring Scott Glenn.) Although this adaptation of the movie doesn’t make it crystal clear, the title stems from the concept of “a man on fire doesn’t just burn; he explodes.” Since it was directed by Tony Scott, you already know that the story will take a back seat to “high concept” stylized action and violence. Scott seems to suffer from the same addiction to hyper-editing and “Richter scale” camera work as his older brother and business partner, director Ridley Scott. (At several points in the movie, I was wondering if an earthquake was taking place during the scene.) The cast has several standouts, but even they can’t save the movie from Scott’s weak direction and a very heavy-handed script by Brian Helgeland that practically screams “the ends justify the means.”

By Vic Holtreman

The short version: Visually intriguing tribute to serial movies of the 40’s and 50’s, but in the end it’s just a pretty good popcorn flick.

Once again it has been proven that trailers can be misleading. Back in July (in the prior link) I stated my thoughts that Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow looked like it might be really fantastic. I am ashamed to admit that I even mentioned Lord of the Rings within the same post…

Sky Captain isn’t a bad movie, it’s just not a great one.

The film opens aboard a zeppelin (the Hindenburg III), preparing to dock atop the Empire State Building, and is photographed in such an unusual way that it took some time for my brain to adjust to what my eyes were seeing. The colors were very muted, and there was a softer focus than I’ve ever seen onscreen (and that’s including shots of Barbara Walters during her interviews). It was actually a bit distracting, and to compound the confusion the scene was spoken in German with subtitles translating.

By Vic Holtreman

Short version: Skip through the supposedly funny walk through the jungle scenes and you’ll be left with a suprising cool action flick.

Let me start by saying I had very low expectations for The Rundown, starring “The Rock” (real name: Dwayne Douglas Johnson). He plays Beck, a “retrieval expert” with no fear of anyone, but who has an aversion to guns, who happens to want to retire from the strongarm biz in order to open…. a restaurant.

One of the first things to catch my eye was the very brief cameo by Arnold Schwarzenneger, with a pithy comment wherein he passes the action hero torch to Johnson. The next thing to surprise me was how low key Johnson’s performance was… it was certainly not nuanced, but I expected a boisterous, WWF-style presentation. Instead he was calm, quiet, and menacing in a “walk quietly and carry a big stick” kind of way. Of course within minutes there is a big fight scene, and let me tell you that this is where this movie excels. Some of the coolest, get-you-fired-up stuff I’ve seen lately.

I was beginning to worry that I was actually going to like this movie, but alas, eventually Seann William Scott (Stiffler from American Pie) in the role of n’er do well fortune hunter Travis appears on screen, and as things progress, his involvement in the movie is what weakens it.

By Vic Holtreman

Short version: Mindless entertainment with cool effects worth renting once.

I went to see The Day After Tomorrow the day after I saw Van Helsing, so that may have slanted my review of this film towards the positive. Imagine eating a plain Mcdonalds hamburger soon after being given Castor Oil, and you’ll have a sense of what I’m talking about.

I’d have to compare this film to eating a bit of cotton candy. It tastes ok, but five minutes later you forget about it.

Ok, enough with the food analogies.

If you click on the image above, you’ll see a larger version of what was probably the best scene in the film. The flooding of NYC, and the giant wave rushing towards the library in particular, was done in such a manner that it did convey some tension and excitement to the film. That scene and the tornadoes wiping out LA were worth the price of (a matinee) admission.