The five people besides myself who actually watched already know the premise of the WB’s Superstar USA. It’s like American Idol, except they looked for the worst singers in America. (Of course, they didn’t tell them that, and they actually misled them to believe they were good.) And from what I saw, the budget barely qualified as a shoestring. I have to admit, every now and then, while watching American Idol I sometimes wondered, wouldn’t it be cool if someone made a show that was centered around only the bad singers? Wouldn’t that just be a kick and a half? Thanks to the WB, I have my answer. No, it would not be cool. It would suck in a way that few TV shows have ever sucked before.

You think Simon Cowell is cruel? At least he tells the truth. This show pulled the wool over the eyes of everyone involved, even the studio audience. The WB had to apologize for telling the audience that the terrible singers who were about to perform were terminally ill beneficiaries of the Make-A-Wish charity. But the cruelty didn’t stop there. The worst singers were constantly misled into thinking they were good until the final show, while the good singers were dismissed as tone-deaf. Worst of all, the caliber of contestants on the show was unbelievable. Very few were what I call a “funny” kind of bad. Most were quite annoying or just downright creepy. (The flamboyantly gay guy had to be seen to be believed.)


At the end, the three finalists were Mario (pictured here), who looked terrible and sang worse; Rosa, who butchered notes and lyrics; and Jamie, who had to write the lyrics on her hand so she wouldn’t forget them. Rosa was eliminated first, which surprised me because her rendition of “Bootylicious” had me clawing at the walls in pain. After that, there was a final duet “showdown” between Mario and Jamie. That was supposedly the pivotal moment when they would realize that they both sucked at singing, but they were both so intent on outdoing each other that they seemed to tune the other person out. I wanted to see Mario “win,” but it wasn’t meant to be. Jamie won, reinforcing the wonderful stereotype that only attractive girls with big racks have a fighting chance in life. Jamie wasn’t even that bad of a singer, but she was incredibly devoid of intelligence. Even after Brian McFayden (the host to call when you can’t afford Ryan Seacrest) let her know about the show’s “twist,” she didn’t even seem to care. She remarked about how she was going to make a video with Britney Spears. Even Mario and Rosa, who presumably had more synapses firing north of the neckline, basically ignored the news of what the show was really about and talked about how they were going to pursue a career in music. Hope springs eternal, doesn’t it?

Brian McFayden kept referring to Jamie as the first Superstar USA. I’m interpreting that to mean there are other seasons of this train wreck in the works. In the name of all that which does not suck, I hope my interpretation is dead wrong.

Brian

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