Face it — Superheroes are designed to be pleasing to the eyes – and most of them could be considered drop-dead gorgeous. They are idealized pieces of art with bulging muscles, ripped physiques, and all the other bells and whistles that create what most people would consider “sex appeal.”
With that, there comes a ton of comic book fans that fantasize about having, ahem, relations with these characters. And why wouldn’t you? They are perfect pictures of physical specimens and most of the time, they are upstanding, courageous, and heroic. Sounds like the total package, right? Which is exactly why the business of cosplaying is booming!
On the other hand, there are definitely some heroes you might think you’d want to get down and dirty with, but it’s probably not a good idea. They come with risks that can be fatal – or they might just be butt-ugly. Not every hero can have all of the amazing qualities we want in a partner. In fact, some heroes are greatly conflicted and lonely because of their powers.
So whether you like them for their heroics or not, you probably wouldn’t want to hook up with these 15 Superheroes You Definitely Wouldn’t Want To Hook Up With.
Rogue has been a mainstay of the X-Men franchise for decades and her desirability is off the charts. The southern babe was probably the first crush of many people growing up watching the X-Men animated series.
Her outfit, excellent physique, and glorious hair is enough to make anyone interested.
Then we get to understand her mutant abilities, and it would be cause for major concern. If Rogue so much as touches you with her skin, she will drain your life force and may even possibly kill you. Doesn’t seem like such a good idea to get it on with her now, does it? If you’re willing to risk your life to hook up with a hot mutant, go for it, but just know that you will most likely die for your pursuit.
14. Iron Man
If we know anything about Tony Stark it is that he is enamored with technology and he is a bit of a self-obsessed jerk. Sometimes it seems like Iron Man is only out for himself and routinely makes a fool of himself while parading around as one of Earth’s Mightiest Heroes.
We’re willing to bet that selfishness translates to the bedroom too. Who could honestly believe Stark would be a good lay? He doesn’t think about the consequences of his actions and will act on impulse. So get ready for a night of unsatisfactory sex when you get into bed with Tony Stark.
Add in the fact that he has a history with alcohol abuse and you might be cleaning up after the billionaire too.
13. Jessica Jones
Jessica Jones has a lot of issues. Most of them she can’t be blamed for. She was the victim of horrendous torture and abuse at the hands of Purple Man when he was controlling her mind. It is sadistic what this villain did to Jessica and when he gets his comeuppance, it is surely justified.
But that’s a ton of baggage that you’d have to deal with. Jones is already untrusting of other people, and (rightly) has a disdain for anyone trying to get in her pants. She is not someone you’d want to have a fling with. It just doesn’t seem like it would end well.
Additionally, she also has dealt with alcohol abuse, which is very dangerous to think about. A superpowered person who might fly off the handle at any moment because she’s had a little too much to drink? That could end up very poorly for you.
12. Scarlet Witch
Wanda Maximoff is one of the most powerful mutants in the Marvel Comics Universe. Her powers rival the gods of the universe, and she has the ability to warp and change reality itself. She’s much more powerful than how she is presented in the movies.
She has also been known to overreact and cause some pretty devastating destruction in her day. She is the reason for the extermination of many of the mutants in the comics. It was an impulse reaction and she nearly killed off an entire race of mutants thinking it would lead to a better world.
Spider-Man is the everyman. He used to be a nerd scientist who got amazing spider-like abilities, then he became a hot nerd scientist. He got ripped and muscular, ditched his nerdy glasses, and got some confidence along the way.
From the look of things, Spider-Man seems like a superhero that would be very good in the sack. He’d be grateful to be there because of his nerdy beginnings, and he seems to take care of the people he’s into.
Only problem is, apparently his semen is deadly. That’s right, Mary Jane Watson died after it was revealed that Spider-Man’s ejaculate was also radioactive, which gave his lover terminal cancer
He’s funny as hell, but jokes almost never fly in the bedroom, so what else does Deadpool have? Let’s have a look at his resume…
Well, he’s ugly as sin because of his healing factor and cancer constantly fighting each other, so he doesn’t have good looks going for him. The scarring all over his skin makes for a frightful sight, something that affected his confidence in the movie.
Then we throw in the fact that he apparently smells horrible. Since his body is constantly dying and regenerating, he evidently smells like crap and rotting corpses. Do you really want to hook up with someone who smells like literal death?
Talk about a risky venture. With the way they are pushing a Black Widow/Hulk relationship in the Avengers movies, you’d have to think Natasha Romanoff has a death wish.
Bruce Banner seems like an intelligent and caring guy, but if something rubs him the wrong way, all hell will break loose. When he transforms into The Hulk, he will go on a murderous rampage, sometimes destroying entire cities, sometimes destroying entire planets.
Now, imagine being in the sack with that. The risk is far too great to take! The dude can destroy a planet with his bare hands and you’re going to handle his private parts? You better do just about everything Banner says, otherwise you might end up beaten by his less-friendly half.
8. Negasonic Teenage Warhead
There was a quote in the Deadpool movie that sums up the reasoning behind this choice perfectly: “I so pity the dude who pressures her into prom sex.”
Negasonic Teenage Warhead is a grumpy character who is insanely powerful and can create shockwaves of energy that’ll blow up anything or anyone around her in the Deadpool film. Her annoyed attitude proves that she doesn’t think too highly of most people, so what makes you think it would go well if you tried to get down with her?
In the comics, things are even weirder. She has pale blue skin, and she is just as off-putting.
The Star-Lord we have been presented with in the Guardians of the Galaxy films is a loveable, flirtatious, and somewhat charming guy. He’s seen as having no trouble picking up ladies all across the galaxy, and he often brags about his conquests.
Come to think of it, Star-Lord is a bit of a d-bag in the movies. His line about how his ship would look like a Jackson Pollack painting if you were to bring a blacklight in there is just plain gross. Also, why? Why are you ruining your ship with your bodily fluids, Quill?
If you hooked up with Star-Lord you better go to the clinic immediately after, because you are definitely going to be hosting a whole slew of alien STDs. Again, if you find yourself at the mercy of Peter Quill’s charm, definitely use protection.
6. Quicksilver/The Flash/Any fast superhero
Speedsters get it done quickly…
Joking aside, any of these speedster superheroes would be a bad partners in the sack. Mainly because they are used to moving so fast that normal time to them feels like an eternity. You’d be trying to hook up and they’d be staring at their watches wondering when it could be over because it felt like a million years have passed.
Also, if they didn’t want to stick around after the deed, there is no way you’d catch them. They’d just bolt right out the door and you’d never see them again. Talk about abandonment issues.
Catwoman is a supremely sexy femme fatale character in the Batman franchise, and no one could blame you if you were interested in this lady. Hell, even Batman has given into his desire to get it on with this semi-deranged burglar. But, keep in mind, she’s a crazy cat lady.
Her obsession with cats has shaped her entire personality, hero gimmick, and life. Think about any crazy cat lady you might know and multiply that by 100, and you’ve got Catwoman.
Plus, she’d probably steal all of your valuables on her way out the door after the deed. Then she’d make a sly comment about how you weren’t that good in bed. Sound like a fun night to you? You’ve been humiliated and you no longer have your PS4 and your grandmother’s pearls.
4. Harley Quinn
Messing around with The Joker’s girl? Sounds like you want to be tortured, beaten, and killed by the Clown Prince of Crime. The Joker is pretty protective of Harley, except when he is abusing her – but that’s another story. So you expect that you’ll be able to get it on with her and leave the experience without a scratch on you? Think again.
Plus, Harley is madly, deeply in love with The Joker, and she doesn’t want anyone else. So your chances of hooking up are pretty slim in the first place. If you do happen to somehow get it on, just know that you will never measure up in comparison to The Joker. Even if you are a sexual dynamo, you’ll always come in second place in her mind and you’ll never be good enough.
3. Poison Ivy
The third member of the Gotham City Sirens to appear on this list, Poison Ivy has been a bad girl, a good girl, a bad girl, a good girl, she can’t seem to make up her mind. Her sexual desires have been explored in a few comics, as she’s been a lover of Harley’s, and their relationship was the crux of a few storylines.
For a woman with the name Poison Ivy, you’d have to imagine that hooking up with her would mean that there will be some residual… itchiness. If you’ve ever had poison ivy on your body, you know how annoying that can be. That’s what you’d be signing up for.
2. Jean Grey
It is really unfortunate what happens to Jean Grey in the comics. She’s one of the most powerful mutants in Charles Xavier’s school, but every once in awhile, she is taken over by the evil entity known as the Phoenix Force, and becomes a being of immense destruction. This can literally happen at any moment. Even the moment you decide to hook up.
Not only would you be dealing with the Dark Phoenix, but you’d also have to answer to her lover, Cyclops, and the jealous Wolverine to boot. Cyclops may be more level-headed about the hanky panky, but Wolverine has been known to get into a few tussles in his day. He even went after Cyclops quite a few times because of his jealous rage.
So even if you survive the Dark Phoenix (you won’t), you definitely would have to survive the wrath of Wolverine (you won’t).
1. The Thing
This concept has been dealt with in the Fantastic Four film, but The Thing is a giant rock person and when his lover sees him for the first time since his experiment-gone-wrong, she is horrified by his appearance. It’s not a stretch to assume you might react the same way if you saw this dude walking around in the world.
The Thing is also a giant rage monster who could lose control of his temper at any moment, which could lead to a fatal rendezvous in the sack.
The Thing also is unlike The Hulk in the fact that he doesn’t change back to a human form. He is always a giant rock person. So there isn’t even a chance that you could hook up with Ben Grimm, the man. It’s The Thing or nothing.
Finally, what’s the deal with his junk? Are his private parts rocks as well? Does he have private parts? Is there anything there? Has anyone else thought of this?
Which superhero would you never want to hook up with? Let us know in the comments!
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