Short version: Like Twilight, New Moon is strictly for fans of the book – for the rest of us, it’s actually worse than the first film.

Screen Rant reviews The Twilight Saga: New Moon

Well, maybe the third time will be the charm.

In an earlier article we speculated whether New Moon might turn out to be a good movie not just for fans but for general audiences (maybe even guys!). With the replacement of Twilight director Catherine Hardwicke with Chris Weitz on New Moon, many people were hoping for a more exciting film this time around. Unfortunately, if anything what we’ve gotten is a film that is even slower than the first one.

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Short Version: If you’re looking for some wicked-cool visuals and destruction on a scale that even Emmerich has never put on screen before, then 2012 is for you. Plot and character development? Move along, nothing to see here.

Screen Rant reviews 2012

That picture right there? That’s why you go see 2012. Heck, lately that’s why you go see any Roland Emmerich film – destruction on a massive scale. The man has taken what Irwin Allen used to do and multiplied it by 100.

2012 actually starts in 2009 – well first it starts out in space, showing us a few different shots of our solar system and the planets lining up all in a row, with the sun at the end of that line. When we get to good old Earth, we’re in India where geologist Adrian Helmsley (Chiwetel Ejiofor, the assassin from Serenity) is meeting a fellow scientist at the Institute of Astrophysics. They go 11,000 feet down into a copper mine where it seems they figure they may as well do some scientific research as long as they’re down there.

Short Version: Ti West’s The House of the Devil is an agonizingly suspenseful and genuinely creepy homage to 1980s horror that hits nearly all the right notes.

Screen Rant’s Rob Frappier reviews The House of the Devil

Let’s see if this sounds familiar: An attractive and likable college co-ed takes a job as a babysitter at a creaky old house even though we know (and she senses) that something devious is afoot. If you’re thinking to yourself, “Been there, done that,” I’d ask you to continue reading anyway.

While Ti West’s The House of the Devil may sound familiar, the film’s potent mix of suspense, creepiness and gore is well worth the price of admission.

Short Version: There are already so many great adaptions of the classic Dickens story – this one adds nothing but CGI and gimmicky 3D effects.

Screen Rant reviews A Christmas Carol

A Christmas Carol is one of my all time favorite Christmas stories. Maybe because most of the year I feel like a somewhat cranky Ebenezer Scrooge but once Thanksgiving is over my mood lightens over the spirit of the upcoming holiday. It seems that every few years someone feels the need to do an update on the classic tale, and sometimes it works. Heck there have certainly been a lot of versions over the years (over two dozen on TV and in movies according to IMDB), and I’ve enjoyed many of those myself.

Short Version: Do yourself a favor and find the original 30 minute Twilight Zone episode of The Box and watch that instead.

Screen Rant reviews The Box

Well this is going to be a short review because I don’t want to spend any more time on this movie than I have to. The Box is based on Button, Button – a very short story written by Richard Matheson that was used for an old episode of the classic TV series The Twilight Zone. It was written and directed by Richard Kelly, the man behind the cult classic Donnie Darko and the poorly received Southland Tales.

BTW, personally I think it’s obvious, but this review does tell you whether or not they push the button.

Short Version: IF you let it draw you in with its factual approach, The Fourth Kind will creep you out more than Paranormal Activity.

Screen Rant reviews The Fourth Kind

After the extreme split in opinions on Paranormal Activity (I liked it), I was curious to see The Fourth Kind to see which side of the fence I fell on. I can understand how you can either love or hate the former, and I have a feeling something similar will happen with this film: Either you buy into the whole premise and let it suck you in, or you stand back and call B.S. on the whole thing.

Short Version: While the animation is excellent, Astro Boy is too intense for younger kids, too corny for teens and annoyingly political overall.

Screen Rant reviews Astro Boy

I went into Astro Boy with high hopes and nostalgia. I’m actually old enough to remember watching the original cartoon back when I was a kid, and being a sci-fi kind of geek even as a wee child, remember enjoying the futuristic show about a robot boy who could fly and had all kinds of cool weapons. Trailers and clips looked good so although I expected a kids’ film, I was looking forward to this and brought along my 13 year old daughter and a friend of hers.

All three of us were of the same opinion: It was a waste of an hour and a half.

Short Version: Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant is an entertaining “alternative” vampire movie that should appeal to teens – but it’s NOT for younger kids.

Screen Rant reviews Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant

I haven’t read the books this movie is based on (from what I understand, the first three books of a 12 book series – a lot to cram into one film) and I didn’t have any preconceived notions about it good or bad going in. Based on trailers and commercials I really didn’t know what to expect, and I have to say I was pleasantly surprised… in most part due to John C. Reilly’s performance as Larten Crepsley, mentor to our burgeoning hero Darren Shan (played by Chris Massoglia).

Short version: Ong Bak 2: The Beginning isn’t for everyone, but for action junkies, it provides exactly what you’d expect.

Screen Rant’s Ross Miller reviews Ong Bak 2

The first Ong Bak (subtitled Muay Thai Warrior) I found to be quite entertaining, with some seriously kick-ass fight sequences, consisting of some often jaw-dropping choreography and stunts. Unfortunately, there were also some not-so-great aspects, notably the poor acting and thin storyline. But overall there was enough there to make it worthwhile, and it was pretty much inevitable that another movie would follow.

It’s no surprise to find that Ong Bak 2, or Ong Bak 2: The Beginning, is practically more of the same, but it manages to get rid of (or at least better mask) the bad elements, while subsequently improving on the fight sequences (if you can believe it).

Short version: Despite its flaws, The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus still offers some jaw-dropping visuals, fine performances and showcases a fantastically creative imagination that make it worth seeing.

Screen Rant’s Ross Miller Reviews The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus

There are a handful of directors out there – including Quentin Tarantino, David Lynch and The Coen brothers – whose new films are always considered to be cinematic events. Amongst that list of directors (for me) is Terry Gilliam, who I think is one of the most imaginative and creative filmmakers out there when it comes to the ideas and subsequent visuals that come the wild imagination he possesses.

Even when he’s at his weakest, Gilliam always offers something worth watching in my books, whether it be ambitious sci-fi (Twelve Monkeys) or almost self-indulgent fantasy (Tideland). So does his latest fantasy-laden film, The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus deliver yet again on that Gilliam charm? Thankfully yes, even if the film is not exactly perfect.

Short Version: While some may view it as spoofing-by-the-numbers, Black Dynamite is still a worthy send-up of the blaxploitation genre.

Screen Rant guest review of 'Black Dynamite'

Black Dynamite, directed by Scott Sanders, is a glorious mash-up spoof of 1970s grind house and blaxploitation movies.  It stars Michael Jai White, most recently seen as Gambol in The Dark Knight.

The “story” centers on Black Dynamite avenging the death of his bother, who was apparently dealing drugs. Of course the brother wasn’t really dealing dope, but was instead being framed by “The Man.” If you can’t tell yet the plot is classic blaxploitation and the semi-familiar players all admirably fill their rolls, toting names such as “Cream Corn,” “Tasty Freeze” and “Chicago Wind.”  For you fans of The Best D*mn Sports Show Period, John Salley even makes a guest appearance as a hood named “Kotex.”

Short Version: Law Abiding Citizen is a satisfying (and at times funny) revenge movie that unfortunately loses its way in the last 20 minutes.

Screen Rant reviews Law Abiding Citizen

It seems like Law Abiding Citizen is one in a series of husband/father avenges the death/mistreatment of his family movies spawned by the success of Taken (next in line is the Mel Gibson-starring Edge of Darkness).

In this one we have Gerard Butler as Clyde Shelton, loving father and husband (established quite effectively in just the first couple of minutes of the film) up against Jamie Foxx as prosecutor Nick Rice in a game of psychological cat and mouse.

Short Version: Where the Wild Things Are is a wonderful movie more suited to grown-ups who want to remember their childhood than for the kids who are still there.

Screen Rant reviews Where the Wild Things Are

Just so you know, I don’t have fond memories of Maurice Sendak’s children’s book Where the Wild Things Are. Neither for myself as a child nor for reading it to my daughter when she was younger (the book I remember is The Wheels on the Bus). So I didn’t have any bubble to burst going into the movie.

I don’t know how this will go over with fans of the book… Spike Jonze had to flesh out a book whose entire text maybe amounted to one paragraph into a 100 minute movie – so he had to fill in a LOT of story that isn’t in the book.

Short Version: The Road taps the power, beauty and horror of Cormac McCarthy’s novel and gives us a movie that is both gorgeous and gut-wrenching.

Screen Rant Reviews The Road

For those biting their nails in anticipation (I know you’re out there), I’ll skip the usual opening fanfare and get right to it: In my opinion, director John Hillcoat has successfully taken the power, beauty and horror of Cormac McCarthy’s Pulitzer Prize-winning novel The Road and translated it, intact, to the big screen. I think that those moviegoers who don’t already read McCarthy now have another good example of why they should (The Coen Brothers’ No Country For Old Men being the other); I think that those who DO read McCarthy will at least be happy that the movie version “didn’t screw it up,” and at most will truly appreciate the movie based on its own merits.

Now that I’ve got that out, let’s back it up and start at the beginning.

Short Version: Zombieland is Shaun of the Dead’s crazy, funny redneck cousin.

Screen Rant reviews Zombieland

Don’t kid yourself going into Zombieland: It is a VERY gory movie. So if based on trailers and commercials you’re expecting just a funny, goofy film, you’ll be in for a surprise. On the other hand if you’re a fan of the zombie movie genre, you’re in for a great time.

Short Version: While not as smart as it could be, Surrogates is thought provoking and mildly entertaining.

Screen Rant reviews Surrogates

Bruce Willis’ latest (semi-)action movie is Surrogates, a thought provoking look at the idea of taking our virtual/avatar online selves to a whole other level. In the film, it has been 14 years since Lionel Canter (James Cromwell) developed the first generation of a technology that allowed robots to be controlled completely via thought. We are briefly shown the stages of the development and integration of the technology over ensuing years, leading to present day (some time in the near future in the film).

Short Version: Pandorum is a mess of a movie that squanders a lot of potential.

Screen Rant Reviews Pandorum

Movies often fail for varying reasons; sometimes the fatal flaw is in the script, sometimes the performances of the actors and sometimes because of the filmmaker’s total ineptness. Pandorum suffers from the latter case: director Christian Alvart has stitched together a patchwork of scenes that never really cohere into an actual movie. It’s a real tragedy, considering the potential this film had.

SHORT VERSION: “Scariest Movie Ever” is a tall order to fill, but Paranormal Activity is definitely a serious fright flick that will continue to creep you out long after the movie ends.

Screen Rant Reviews Paranormal Activity

Paranormal Activity is a little film that was reportedly made for $11,000 over the course of a seven-day shoot by writer/director/producer/editor Oren Peli, and stars newbies Katie Featherston, Micah Sloat and the couple’s camcorder.

The ghost story is pretty straightforward: Katie and Micah (the actors use their real names in the film) are a young couple who have been together for about a year or two and have recently taken the plunge of moving in together. Soon after, they begin to experience weird paranormal activity taking place in their home – lights and sinks turning on and off, doors slamming, etc. Katie soon reveals that this isn’t the first time she’s been “haunted by ghosts” – when she was 8, she had re-occurring visits from a shadowy apparition and her family’s home was eventually burned to the ground without explanation. Since then, the apparition has followed Katie wherever she goes, “visiting” her from time to time, up to the present. Micah wishes that Katie had told him all this BEFORE they moved in together.

Short Version: Overall Jennifer’s Body is just a boring movie – punctuated by occasional humor and fewer scares.

Screen Rant reviews Jennifer’s Body

Let’s just get this right out of the way: Megan Fox does not appear naked in Jennifer’s Body.

So if that’s the main reason you want to go see this film, you’re out of luck. If the other reason you want to see the film is for the girl/girl makeout scene – there is a very brief scene of a kiss between Megan and Amanda Seyfried, and it’s shot in such an extreme close-up that for all I know they might have had “stunt doubles” do it.

Now that we have that out of the way, on to the review.

Short version: While far from perfect, Whiteout does manage to keep you guessing until the end and ultimately doesn’t leave you feeling ripped off.

Screen Rant’s Paul Young reviews Whiteout

A while back, Kate Beckinsale was asked about her involvement with the next Underworld movie and she explained that she was done wearing tight leather outfits. I thought she might be serious, but man, she didn’t have to go overboard on the next film by walking around 95% of the time wearing a parka! But I’ve got to give credit to whoever wrote the opening scene for Whiteout, Oscar-worthy material my friend – in a scene that was obviously written to appeal to the young male audience, Beckinsale walks through the snow into her room and promptly removes most (read: not enough) of her clothing in order to take a shower.

Short Version: While not suitable for younger children, Shane Aker’s 9 draws you into its world effortlessly and is most definitely worth seeing.

Screen Rant reviews 9

There’s been a lot of buzz around the Shane Aker-directed, Tim Burton and Timur Bekmambetov-produced movie 9. The idea for a feature length 9 movie was sparked by a short film of the same name by writer-director Shane Aker.

The short film is really quite amazing (click on the link above to see it) and I was excited to hear a full length film would be made based on it. However when I saw the first trailer and there was dialog (the short film has none) I got a bit worried that it might not have the power of the original short film. While the addition of dialog does remove a fair amount of the sense of awe and mystery, the full length 9 still manages to stand on its own as a film worth watching.

Short Version: Never quite reaching the “Good” mark and hovering just below “OK,” Gamer opens the 2009 Fall movie season with plenty of shooting, death, blood and confusion.

Screen Rant’s Paul Young reviews Gamer

I’ve written this review for Gamer three times now and with each iteration I just can’t seem to find that slightly mocking tone I like to use so much – not to mention each one has been over 2000 words long and there is no way this movie deserves that much effort.  But I thought, “Am I’m trying too hard to be a ‘professional’ movie critic? No one really listens to them very much; people would rather listen to what their friends think of the movie. I wonder if we have any more Twinkies and Cheez-Wiz?” I’m just telling you what I thought; I never said I would edit those thoughts.

Short Version: Much like Mila Kunis’ character in the film, Extract teases – and while it’s an enjoyable journey, there’s no big payoff and it leaves us wanting more.

Screen Rant reviews Extract

Extract comes to us from Mike Judge, the same guy who brought us Beavis and Butthead, King of the Hill, Idiocracy and Office Space. B&B notwithstanding, Judge’s writing generally delivers low-key (subtle might be the wrong word) humor – the kind that may not cause you to fall out of your chair with laughter, but tickles the back of your brain and sits with you for a spell. Sometimes it takes a while to sink in how really funny it was.

Maybe I forgot that going in – and on the heels of such “laff-riot” comedy as delivered in The Hangover I was hoping for more belly laughs here. While Extract was funny, it left me feeling like I’d been teased by some hot babe. While enjoyable as I sat through it – I yearned for more of a satisfactory, um, conclusion.

Short Version: Halloween II is the most ambitious and most accomplished movie I’ve seen from Rob Zombie. But it’s still not quite what I would call “a good film.”

Screen Rant Reviews Halloween II

Halloween II picks up literally where writer/director Rob Zombie’s 2007 Halloween reboot left off: Michael Myers shot down by his little sister Laurie Strode (Scout Taylor-Compton), while Laurie herself is left battered, bloody and half-crazed by her ordeal. The first third of the sequel pretty much revels in the repercussions of the first film, focusing on the survivors and the hell they go through physically, mentally and emotionally as their wounds (literal and metaphorical) are treated and the gore is wiped clean. This first third is also the only real nod to Rick Rosenthal’s 1981 sequel to John Carpenter’s original Halloween, which was almost entirely set in the hospital Laurie Strode is being treated in following Michael’s Halloween massacre.

Short Version: The Final Destination is poorly written, poorly executed, and poorly acted -but still managed to “kill” at the box office on its opening weekend.

Screen Rant’s Paul Young reviews Final Destination

While Vic (Screen Rant head honcho) gets to review all the good movies like Inglourious Basterds, District 9 and even G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra, I’m stuck watching I volunteer to watch the movies no one else wants to see. So, when I walked into The Final Destination tonight firmly grasping the my flimsy short straw, I fully expected the worst, planned for no better than OK and hoped for the best.

Guess which one I got?

Short Version: Don’t go into Inglourious Basterds expecting a serious WWII film and you’ll  probably end up having fun with it.

Screen Rant reviews Inglourious Basterds

I am not a Quentin Tarantino disciple (just thought I’d get that out of the way).

Now don’t jump to conclusions – I like most of Tarantino’s films, I’m just not a dyed in the wool Tarantino junkie. I like most of his movies but I haven’t made a secret of the fact that I absolutely despised most of Death Proof.

Despite a directing history going back to 1987, Inglourious Basterds is only the seventh movie he’s directed. If there’s one thing you can say about him it’s that he’s got a sense of style when it comes to his films, and this one is no exception.

Short Version: With its unique story, fantastic visual effects and real-world look, District 9 is sure to be a future Sci-Fi classic.

Screen Rant reviews District 9

District 9 is probably not what you’re expecting.

The trailers and clips that you may have seen so far don’t really tell you what the movie is about – and that’s a good thing.

Short Version: G.I. Joe is a summer popcorn action movie done right.

Screen Rant reviews G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

I’ll start right off by saying that G.I. Joe: Rise of the Cobra is what the Transformers franchise should be.

Following months of trailers and clips that frankly, made this movie look like it was going to be awful, imagine my surprise when I actually ended up enjoying it. I don’t recall ever seeing a marketing campaign that so made me NOT want to see a movie that turned out to be decent.

Short Version: A Perfect Getaway isn’t perfect, but Timothy Olyphant makes it entertaining.

Screen Rant reviews A Perfect Getaway

A Perfect Getaway was written and directed by David Twohy, the gentleman who brought us the Vin Diesel vehicles Pitch Black and The Chronicles of Riddick. Here he brings us a very different type of movie: The story of a newlywed couple on their honeymoon in Hawaii, trying to figure out if any of the couples around them are murderers.

Now I have a fairly strict “no spoiler” policy in my reviews, but there is no way to properly review this film without talking about the fact that there is a “twist” in the story. I won’t say what that twist is but there is one.

Short Version: Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince might be the best Harry Potter film yet.

Screen Rant reviews 'Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince'

If you really care about Harry Potter, Ron & Ginny Weasley and Hermione Granger as living, breathing characters then you’re going to love Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.

Disclosure: I’ve only ever read the first book and while I’ve thought the previous films were “OK,” I’ve never been a huge fan of the series. This latest film was directed by David Yates, the same fellow who directed the previous film Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix – and for perspective, I don’t even remember was that one was about.