This list has been titled very accurately. There have been no typos; this is not a drill. Forget, just for a moment, everything you know about the billion-dollar Pokémon franchise. Forget the potentially Earth-shattering live-action Pokémon movie. Forget the buzz around Pokémon Go, forget the exciting new generation of Pokémon (Sun and Moon) due out this year, and forget catching them all.
Instead, imagine a world where you could eat them all. That’s right, Screen Ranters, today we’re exploring the Pokémon we’d honestly like to eat. No tricks, no gimmicks – just 20 entries of delicious, Pokémon-packed dishes. You may find yourself wondering how or why these Pokémon were selected. Our recommendation? Don’t think too much about it. Don’t worry about the excluded Veggiémons like Oddish, Shroomish, Bellsprout, or Cherubi. Worry not for Surf-n-turf selections like Krabby, Kingler, Miltank or Tauros, because they’re just too easy.
Ready your bibs and fetch your sporks. Release your inner demons, and let’s feast like it’s 1996! These are 20 Pokemon We Honestly Just Want to Eat.
20. Bulbasaur Sprouts
If you assumed there was no way we’d go after fan favorite starter Pokémon, you’ve failed to understand just how dark and twisted Screen Rant’s seedy underbelly can be. As it turns out, the beloved Bulbasaur – Ash’s third Pokemon and long-time friend – is featured in one of Kanto’s most appealing appetizers, Charred Bulbasprouts.
Take a minute to really look at Pokemon #001. If you peer past the fond memories and the stubby legs, you’ll see Bulbasaur for what it really is: a four legged brussel sprout. The truth hurts, we know, but Bulba’s been on the menu since Pocket Monsters dropped back in 1996. This is a judgement-free zone, so you can be honest. Even though it kinda looks like the neighborhood bulldog covered in turf, you’ve thought about chopping off Bulbasaur’s visible veggie and punching a one-way ticket to Tasty Town.
19. Jigglypuff Jell-O
Jigglypuff has been taunting audiences with its perfectly-rounded body and big doe eyes for almost exactly 20 years. If this particular Pokemon doesn’t make your mouth water, there’s something wrong with you. The name is comprised of two delightfully-descriptive words, “Jiggly” and “Puff,” leaving us with only one option: dessert.
Yep, this little pink balloon is being saved for the final dish of the evening. Naturally bouncy and pleasantly plump, Jigglypuff is the most logical choice for a legendary dish like Jell-O. Best of all, we’re willing to wager that no artificial flavors are required to make it taste like heaven; the latest rumors out of Pewter City’s cuisine scene suggest that Ol’ Puff is just as delectable in real life as you’d expect. On top of that, Jigglypuff is known for its singing voice – you’re not only getting dinner with this Pokemon, but a good show, too!
18. Pidgey Pudding
If you’ve played Pokémon Go lately (ie if you’re not living under a rock), you know that this little guy is everywhere. Chillin’ in the park? Pidgeys. Exploring the beach front? Pidgeys. Traipsing through the Sahara Desert? OH LOOK IT’S A F****** PIDGEY. So yeah, we’ve included Pidgey here on this list because, as they say, if ya can’t beat ‘em, eat ‘em.
Often referred to as The Chicken of the Air, this full-bodied fowl is gentle, dim-witted, and trusting. In other words, Pidgey is the perfect target for our dining room table. Pidgey’s coffee-and-cream coloration suggests that it would taste delightful in any number of dishes, while its generous tummy just screams “serves 2-4 adults.” We imagine that this Flying/Normal-type Pokémon would stand nicely as a replacement for thinly-sliced deli turkey, though we’d much rather shove one inside a dessert cake and call it Pidgey Pudding.
17. Stuffed Weepinbell Peppers
Turn a frown upside down and it becomes a smile. Turn a Weepinbell upside down and it becomes a Pokémon that’s ripe for the stuffing! You can put anything you want in these bad boys. Bouffalant bits, Spanish rice, Articuno hearts, blue cheese crumbles, or whatever else your twisted heart desires. There’s only one rule when it comes to prepping Stuffed Weepinbell: never, ever, EVER, under any circumstances, use Bellsprouts in your recipe. We mean it. That’s just sick.
Don’t let descriptive words like “poisonous” or “razor-sharp” distract you from the hearty meal at hand. You can’t enjoy a juicy pineapple without first sawing through its jagged exterior, and you can’t partake in the milk of the coconut without first bashing through its protective shell. Does every rose not have its thorns? Just pretend those wild Weepinbell over there are a bunch of pineapples or coconuts, and you should be fine. What could go wrong?
16. Tangela Tagliatelle
We’re not fooled by you, Tangela, we know you’re actually just a ball of blue spaghetti wearing shoes. We’ve dreamt of steaming your tender tendrils and smothering you in Marinara sauce since the day we first spotted you prowling along Route 21. The Cinnabar Island natives have a saying: Once You Go Blue, Nothing Else Will Do, and it’s overwhelmingly obvious that they’re talking about you, you tasty little tangle.
Whether you’re a hard-core Hipster or a foodie fanatic, you could travel the globe for decades and never find a pasta plate quite as tantalizing as Tangela Tagliatelle. Individuals with allergies are welcome to dish up, too, as our bumbling blue buddy is reportedly both gluten and dairy-free. Oh, and don’t let this Pokémon’s sweet kicks stop you from digging in. They’re (probably) edible, and you know you’ve always wanted to nibble on these tangy toes-ies!
15. Caterpie Crunchies
Here’s a treat for all the survivalists and doomsday preppers in the audience today! A highly-sustainable snack, Caterpie Crunchies are bomb-dot-com either in the raw or dipped in dark chocolate. These creepy critters can be found every 30-40 feet (especially near Viridian City) and are packed with precious proteins. If you’re ever in a pinch or craving a quick bite, take a detour into the nearest field and snag yourself a couple Cuterpies Caterpies. Season lightly (we recommend just salt and pepper) and fry them in vegetable oil over an open flame for best results.
What’s the matter, afraid of chowing down on a few bugs? Newsflash, Screen Ranters: all the cool kids are doing it, and you’ll be joining them soon enough. Heralded for their earthy notes and smokey finish, Caterpie Crunchies are hugely popular with endurance athletes and members of PETA. Aim for lower-level targets when sourcing your snack, or risk breaking your teeth on a newly-minted Metapod!
14. Togepi in Purgatory
♫ The best part of waking up,
is Togepi in your cup ♫
Science-y science people claim that breakfast is the most important meal of the day, and we’re picking up what they’re putting down. There’s no better way to start the day than with a mouthful of this adorable and efficiently-sized Pokémon. Seriously Togepi, you’re an egg that simply demands scrambling. Or poaching. Or frying. The fact that you’ve survived this long is just a testament to Misty’s tremendous will-power, because Lord knows we would’ve gobbled you up by now.
Togepi’s mysterious, colorful markings only stand to make it appear more appetizing. The average Ash would gladly break his fast with an Exeggcute or two, but true Pokémon Masters live for the spicy glory of Togepis in Purgatory. You can’t escape the breakfast bar forever you silly egg, so give it up and get in our tummy.
13. Delibird Patty Sandwiches
Ha! Get a load of this ridiculous candy-cane creature. You look like a peppermint, Delibird, and you are literally named after a place where delicious meats are sold. Whoever created you must have either been a) on lunch or b) dreaming about lunch, but we’re thankful nonetheless. Your signature move, Present, is to deliver a harmful or helpful gift to your opponent. Here’s a better idea: why don’t you *present* us with some savory spices and jump right up here onto our electric meat slicer?
Although Delibird is known for being super helpful and kind, we’re still going to sink our teeth into one of these puffy penguins. They already look tasty AF, and the fact that Team Rocket used to (sort of) have one is just the cherry on top. Can you think of a better way to demoralize your enemy than to devour their pets? No, you can’t. Because there is no better way, you fool.
12. Milotic Meringue
You want majestic? We can do majestic. According to our Pokédex, Milotic’s sheer beauty is enough to becalm such emotions as anger or hostility and snuff out bitter fueds. This serpentine water-type is rumored to be the most beautiful of all the Pokémon, and if we’re being totally honest, it’s probably more attractive than 90% of the human population as well. Sporting some killer lashes and a wedding-cake color scheme, Milotic is one floating eel-thingy that we’d love to get our forks into hands on.
Even more surprising than Milotic’s devilishly good looks are its humble beginnings, as it evolves from the uninspiring fish-face, Feebas. This cream-colored cookie is the proverbial Ugly Duckling all grown up, only more attractive and (assumedly) much tastier. Forgo fileting this Route 119 native and use its scales for a sinfully-sweet meringue instead. We think the lashes are best saved for garnish, though we won’t judge you if you decide to toss them into the mix.
11. Arbok au Gratin
Is Arbok intimidating? Definitely. Are we still curious about how it tastes? Obviously. This eleven-foot snake may strike fear into the hearts of more casual diners, but we think it’s just more to love. Kinda like a Subway foot long, but times eleven! Talk about #GAINZ!
Humans sit at the tippity-top of the food chain for a reason. We are the ultimate predator. There isn’t a species on the planet that we can’t defeat and/or munch on. Just because some Pokémon shows up with saber-sized fangs doesn’t mean we won’t try to eat it – in fact, Arbok’s naturally mean mug makes us want to eat it even more. Take one of these massive, Cobra-like Pokémon down and you’ve got meals lined up for the next three weeks: Snake Steaks, Snake Stew, or our personal favorite, Arbok au Gratin. Bon Appétit!
10. Vanillite Sundae
Here we have… ice cream. Telekinetic ice cream. The creative minds behind Pokémon Black & White must have reaaaaaallllyy been in panic mode when they created Vanillite, because this thing is just a single scoop of soft serve floating in mid-air. While Pokémon do vary drastically from generation to generation, we’re having a tough time reconciling this delicious dessert with the whole ‘Pocket Monster’ brand.
And can you really blame us? Look at the smile on Vanillite’s face. That’s the face of pure, unadulterated joy. It’s the same face we all made when the ice cream truck would roll through our neighborhood, blaring its secretly racist theme song. If a rival trainer threw out Vanillite mid-battle, there would be three sounds: NOM NOM NOM. Even its evolved forms, Vanillish and Vanilluxe, are destined for the dessert tray. There’s just no way around it, buddy. You’re food, and we’re going to need a delicious Pokemon sorbet after that filling Arbok steak.
9. Omanyte Shooters
Finally, some fresh ocean fare! Well, almost fresh. Well, maybe not fresh at all, actually. Although we discounted obvious choices like Krabby and Kingler when building this list, we simply had to include this 66 million year-old mollusk. It’s not every day you get to eat a piece of history, and if you’re going to perpetuate the extinction of any species, it may as well be a species that won’t bite you back.
Omanyte is a stone-cold 10 on the Scrumptious Scale. Speaking of stones, it’s probably worth mentioning that Omanyte is technically an incredibly rare fossil and not widely available for consumption. The thought of cracking open this once-in-a-lifetime catch, splashing it with hot sauce and shooting it raw is incredibly enticing – especially when you consider that precisely ZERO other people will ever get to do it. Unless you count Chappelle, that is. Even then you’re still in pretty prestigious company.
8. Pickled Lickilicky
Pickled Lickilicky kinda sounds terrible if you stop to think about it, though it’s definitely one of the more cleverly-crafted names on this list. In the name of sheer culinary curiosity, we’re leaving no Evolution stone unturned in our quest to eat them all! This pink Pokémon has a giant tail and an even giant-er tongue, which is gross, but that tongue looks like 15-feet of Bubble Tape, which is the BEST. Guess it’s all about perspective, eh?
While Pickled Lickitung would have been an easy sell, we’ve opted for its evolved form, because look at it. Look at that glorious, glowing tongue and big ol’ belly. Our trusty Pokédex states that Lickilicky’s tongue and tail might be connected, which means we’re getting like fifty feet of greatness instead of fifteen. Jackpot! That’s like getting three yolks in one egg, or finding an avocado with no seed.
7. Farfetch’d Family Roast
Are we all on the same page here? Are we all seeing this mouthwatering duck who just randomly decided to carry around a sprig of garnish at all times? Is it onion? Is it leek? Scratch that, does it matter? Allow us to answer for you: no, it does not, because either would pair remarkably well with a heaping helping of roast duck.
Farfetch’d is begging us to eat him. Actually, literally begging. Imagine, for a moment, that you were a pink little piggy. If you were a pink little piggy, you wouldn’t march around with Dijon mustard and loaves of fresh-baked sourdough, right? That would be an open invitation to turn you into a fabulous ham sandwich, and that would be insane. When you’re basically already food, the last thing you should do is conveniently carry around your own trimmings. Silly Farfetch’d, you’re just asking for trouble at this point.
6. Tepig Tacos
Speaking of little piggies, how YOU doin’ Tepig? You may not be pink, but that’s neither here nor there. The important thing is that you’re tiny, you’re tantalizing, and you’re gonna be tacos. Like right now. It didn’t take long at all for us to make that decision, and we’re sticking to it.
For readers unfamiliar with this particular pig, allow us to share some pieces of pertinent information. Tepig, a Starter Pokémon from the Black and White games, loves to eat berries and is capable of blowing fireballs out of its nose. Tepig’s signature move (called Heat Crash) involves covering its entire body in flames and rushing into battle. Yes, you read that right. This is a berry-stuffed, self-roasting Pokémon. Turning Tepig into a phenomenal feast requires virtually zero effort – get one all riled up, and it’ll roast itself into a pile of bacon! Extra crispy!
5. Rainbow Ditto Dots
If Ditto is simultaneously no shape and every shape, does that also mean Ditto is no flavor and every flavor at the same time? Is Ditto the bubblegum from Willy Wonka after three cycles of Russian horse steroids? Is it the Bernie Botts’ Every-flavored Beans of the Pokemon world? If we tried to eat Ditto, would Ditto transform into US? Is this bad? Is this real life?
There appear to be more questions than answers when it comes to actually consuming this plodding purple Pokémon, so allow us to simplify the scenario. Let’s just chop Ditto up and turn it into a giant vat of Rainbow Dippin’ Dots! Those things are ridiculously good, right? Rainbow Ditto Dots would also solve the whole ‘flavor’ issue, since they would technically be a mix-n-match batch of every flavor ever invented. We won’t try to legitimize the logic here if you don’t. Some questions don’t need answers. (We’re looking at you, Lost.)
4. Psyduck Pâté
As much as we may crave Psyduck foie gras, it would be unethical to impose our will on any Pokémon in such a way. Trapping them in tiny balls and forcing them into gladiatorial combat is totally fine, but ramming several pounds of food down their throats twice a day just to create the world’s tastiest treat? Too far, friends. Too far indeed. We might want to eat them all, but we’re not monsters.
One reason we’re so curious to sample some Psyduck: no one’s totally sure if they are more platypus or more duck. Such a unique creature surely has a unique taste, and we at Screen Rant are nothing if not dedicated foodventurers. Any animal with a perpetual migraine might be considered an easy target, though it’s definitely ‘Buyer Beware’ when it comes to snagging several Psyduck. They’re notoriously difficult to keep locked away in their Poké Balls and have been known to unintentionally unleash powerful psychic attacks. Danger = Delicious!
3. Squirtle Soup
Oh man, another OG Starter on the menu. Whoever OK’d this list is either going to end up heralded as a literary hero or drawn-and-quartered by first-gen fanatics. It’s too late to turn back now, though, so just let your freak flag fly. Raise your hand if you’ve ever thought about making Squirtle Soup. *Literally everyone in the world raises their hand* Yeah, that’s what we thought.
There’s a reason Professor Oak offered Squirtle as a potential starter Pokémon, and it’s definitely darker than you could imagine. Deep down, he knew that this tiny turtle might be the tastiest turtle in the entire history of turtles. The best part? Squirtle comes with its own bowl, making it the perfect meal for globe-trotting Pokémon trainers. If you selected Squirtle, old Oak didn’t seem particularly torn over it. You know why? This wasn’t his first Squirtle. In fact, Oak had 40 other Squirtles just like it, and they all ended up in the same place: his belly.
2. Octillery on Rye
Octillery reminds us of an octopus that got its tentacles on several illicit substances. Just look at those eyes. This thing is Stoney Baloney, all day every day. We’re not mad about it though, because those under the influence generally eat snacks. Lots and lots of savory, succulent snacks. And since we’re going to be turning this stoner-cephalopod into a fancy sandwich in just a few moments, we’re counting on those snacks to lend it some crazy flavors!
Think about the possibilities. Eight tentacles and one giant, bulbous head = nine different meals! You could make carpaccio or calamari (though you might want to mix in some fried Shellder rings for variety), sashimi or seafood salad. Octillery is the Pokémon equivalent of KFC’s Family Feast: eight pieces of meat, a nice side of eye-slaw, and suction-cupcakes for one low price. When the whole clan’s gotta eat, Octillery can’t be beat!
1. Mew, Extra Rare
DO YOU GET IT?!
Did we leave off any of your favorite Poke edibles? Let us know in the comments!