It would seem that Hollywood studios are far from finished when it comes to bad movie ideas. Several times during the past couple of months a new story would come out that made us say “Seriously?!? This is what the best writers and idea guys in Hollywood can come up with?!?” There were also a few colorful four letter words scattered throughout but this is a family friendly site, so I’ll let you insert them yourself.
Each time one of these serious (read: joke) ideas would surface, the entire online movie news world would let out a collective audible moan so loud that it would throw off the whale migration patterns in the North Pacific. Maybe we should tell Hollywood the same thing my mom told me when I would get caught lying to her “Every time you lie, a kitten dies.” Of course we would have to modify that to say “Every time you come up with a stupid movie idea, a migrating whale loses its way.” With as Earth-friendly as Hollywood is, that might actually make them listen. PETA might even get involved.
Let’s go through the list of recent winning ideas shall we?
- View Master
- Stretch Armstrong
- Mattel Musical
- Where’s Waldo
- Bazooka Joe
- Major Matt Mason
- Hot Wheels
- Magic 8-ball
Obviously we can’t control what spews forth from the Studios so I’ve decided that’s it’s time to embrace it instead. Like the ol’ adage goes “If you can’t beat them, laugh at them!” So, by forcing myself to eat nothing but a combination of Skittles and Red Bull while listening to Dark Side of the Moon at half speed for twenty-four hours, I was able to enter a trance-like state and reach full Nostradamus mode.
I had many visions during that time, which oddly enough included David Hassellhoff feeding me grapes while we rode a ferris wheel – but I digress. Much like John in the New Testament who saw the end of the world, the oddly accurate predictions from Nostradamus and the Mayans fascination with all living things ceasing to exist in 2012, I too have seen the future (as it relates to cinema) and will now post those predictions here.
Nowhere before on any news/blog site has the attempt been made to give such bold and accurate predictions. This is a Screen Rant exclusive and we are happy to share it with our loyal readers. You are truly reading history (or future history, rather).
Here’s how this works, I will list the movie ideas as I envisioned them which may or may not include genres. Sometimes things get hazy when I’m on one of these “spirit walks” so some interpretation on your part may be necessary to fully understand the idea. I also managed to “see” a couple of posters for some movies Heroes-style (with glowing white eyes and all) and I have included them for you (the posters not the eyes).
The CLOTHING we wear will play a pivotal role in upcoming movie franchises. Expect to see shoes take point with the popular brands PF Flyers and Kangaroos. Hush Puppies could also make an appearance because I saw a Basset hound but like I said it’s all about interpretation. We can also rejoice because Bugle Boy Jeans, and Guess Jeans will be part of an interlacing 3 movie story arc.
Be prepared because the following APPLIANCE based movies will be finding their way to the big screen in the next few years:
Microwave! – A horror film that takes place in an abandoned RV park
Washer and Dryer – A Russian Mob buddy comedy that may or may not star Seth Rogen and Will Ferrell (again the Basset hound was present so I’m not sure what to make of that.)
Blender – A touching coming of age musical set to the entire discography of Weird Al Yankovic
Click on posters for larger versions
Think Hollywood has covered all of your toys but has forgotten about your SCHOOL SUPPLIES? Think again my friend. The writers and producers have heard your pleas of desperation and have answered with the following titles:
Pencils – High school sex comedy much like American Pie
Erasers – A sci-fi horror film set in the year 3030 (not to be confused with the Eraser starring Gov. “Ahnuld” or Eraserhead)
Lunch Box – This is the next Grindhouse multi-director movie with Quentin Tarantino, Robert Rodriguez, Woody Allen and Spike Lee – this was my favorite vision to watch unfold because I really liked lunch as a kid.
There aren’t just big horror, comedy and action films coming from these ideas. The artsy crowd will have something too. There will Michael Moore, Ben Stein and Morgan Spurlock-directed documentaries galore all based on MUNDANE EVERYDAY ACTIVITIES:
Brushing Your Teeth – Ben Stein takes the reins here showing us the various pastes, brushes and techniques available all from a Conservative point of view
Shaving – Morgan Spurlock goes undercover to determine the best cream, blade and stroke for the everyday man.
Combing Your Hair – Michael Moore is back to blame America and the Bush Administration for the lack of hair neatness in the world. Along the way he shows us the unique implements required to comb all types of hair: Picks, brushes, gels and sprays.
There is more, so much more I could tell you but then what would be the fun in that? This is obviously an attempt at humor and should in no way be considered as a viable source of future movie releases. Unless of course, some Hollywood studio reads this, takes my ideas and uses them then I hold all copyrights for all aforementioned ideas.
I must now go hydrate myself because “spirits walks” make me very thirsty and give me a craving for butterscotch pudding.
I know you are as tired as I am of all the lame attempts at movie ideas lately but what would you choose as the next movie fad if you have your way?
Disclaimer: No whales were actually forced off their migration patterns during the writing of this article.
Special thanks to Ross Miller for the Lunch Box Poster