They may be the stuff of fairy tales, but anyone who underestimates the race of Giants does so at their own peril.
Jack the Giant Slayer is determined to prove once and for all that size doesn’t matter, but with centuries of folklore to choose from, which of the sizable monstrosities will Jack (Nicolas Hoult) be slaying?
From the many trailers for the film, it’s obvious that the hero will have an entire army of Giants with which to do battle. Yet we can’t help but imagine the handful of fights that would result from some more…unexpected pairings.
Here’s our list of 7 Giants We’d Love To See ‘Jack’ Slay.
Height: 55′ 6″
Natural Habitat: Blue Earth, Minnesota
Strengths: With size on this Jolly Giant’s side, his co-opting of the phrase ‘Ho Ho Ho’ from Santa Claus proves that he fears no opponent, be they mortal or otherwise.
Weaknesses: With a diet of canned peas and corn, the protein offered by the occasional Giant-hunter is nowhere near sufficient enough to maintain healthy muscle mass. Despite his physique, his endurance and stamina are much lower than presumed. Also, ‘Sprout’ is a perfect hostage.
We’d give the edge to the Jolly Green Giant on this one, as his diet could be supplemented by surprisingly high-in-protein green beans. Either way, his loincloth is testament to his potency in combat: each leaf sewn into the garment is pulled from the beanstalks of his fallen foes. Make no mistake: a rabid beast dwells beneath that impeccable grin.
Height: 50′ (approx)
Natural Habitat: The Kingdom of Far Far Away
Strengths: Increased mobility and strength due to massive size, and ability to use pain as motivator for even greater determination. Also possesses a truly chilling war cry.
Weaknesses: Given his confectionery origins, he is particularly vulnerable to warmed liquids, or hungry opponents (unafraid of a ruined appetite).
It pains us to say it, but if Mongo found himself in Jack’s cross-hairs he’d almost certainly be headed for another defeat. His brief but memorable first appearance in Shrek 2 (2004) had him winning audiences’ hearts, but he ultimately fell victim to a dastardly torrent of hot milk. He’d stand even less of a chance against a certified Giant-slayer – but frankly, it would be worth it just to see him get another big-screen role.
Height: 6′ 6″ – (???)
Natural Habitat: Ivy Town, Connecticut
Strengths: The magical ability to grow from her standard height of 6’6″ to any hundreds of feet tall in moments. Possessing increased strength and near invulnerability when at full size, Giganta (Dr. Doris Zuel) has a scientist’s brilliant intelligence to provide even more of an edge.
Weaknesses: She tends to stand out in a crowd. And we’re not talking about her hair color.
As much as we’d like to root for Jack against a supervillain, Giganta’s track record speaks for itself. Having tangled with the Justice League on numerous occasions, she’s gone up against the best and lived to tell the tale. Jack lacks any superhuman strengths, but might be able to get the jump on her when she was, say, normal-sized and asleep. But that’s basically cheating for someone claiming to be a ‘Giant Slayer.’
Height: 6′ – (???)
Natural Habitat: Wherever ‘Super Friends’ Are Found
Strengths: Magical dust from his tribe grants him the ability to grow to nearly infinite size with the uttering of an ‘Apache phrase.’ Given his upbringing, He also possesses an unparalleled knowledge of the North American wilderness, wildlife, and tracking methods.
Weaknesses: Possesses only standard strength and invulnerability when not of increased size.
This match is an incredibly difficult one to call: while Apache Chief has grown large enough to protrude well beyond Earth’s atmosphere, size isn’t the only thing that will matter against a well-trained Giant-slayer with a solid plan. His growth is triggered by speaking the words ‘Inuk chuk,’ so covering his mouth should do the trick. We’ll give Jack the edge, if Apache Chief’s friends don’t join the fight.
Height: 112′ 6″
Natural Habitat: New York City (Mr. Stay Puft), Mesopotamia (Gozer)
Strengths: Possessed by the Sumerian shape-shifter god Gozer, one might expect his adopted form of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Corporation’s mascot to be particularly dangerous. In reality, his biggest strength is sheer size.
Weaknesses: Well, his shortcomings are fairly clear: the fine motor control and reaction time of a skyscraper-sized Michelin Man. And that sailor cap and neckerchief definitely aren’t going to be helping him in a fistfight.
This one isn’t even close. Assuming Jack is capable of thinking on his feet and exposing Mr. Stay Puft to an open flame, the show is over. Hope everyone’s hungry for some s’mores.
Natural Habitat: Rockwell, Maine
Strengths: A large alien robot capable not only of immense firepower and otherworldly durability, but of healing or reassembling itself from nearly any injury.
Weaknesses: He’s not a gun. Although equipped with attack software and hardware, his overwhelming desire to be a force for good has to take a toll on his killing power.
The Iron Giant (1999) proved that the metallic monolith was as difficult to get rid of as the man voicing him (Vin Diesel), after even a nuclear ballistic missile only succeeded in breaking him apart, after which he was reassembled immediately. If Jack was left without the ability to defeat the Iron Giant, he would have no choice but to get to know him and, inevitably, fall in love with this noble hero. In other words, a draw.
Height: 94′ 6″ (According to Disney)
Natural Habitat: USA & Canada
Strengths: Centuries of folklore and marketing making him one of the most beloved and potent lumberjacks in the Western world. Also, an axe the size of a school bus and a colossal ox willing to fight beside him.
Weaknesses: Trees don’t tend to fight back (read: relative inexperience in combat).
It may be controversial, but it seems there’s no way Paul Bunyan’s reign could continue any longer once Jack comes calling. Seeing Bunyan’s massive axe drop from his slackened hands, and the crack of mighty pines crushed beneath his bulk, all set to the sounds of Babe’s whales of despair is just too beautiful a climax for a director of Bryan Singer’s caliber to pass up. In our minds, that’s got Oscar written all over it.
Those are just a handful of the men and women who are blessed (cursed?) with enormous size, placing them in the cross-hairs of every potential Giant-slayer wanting to make a name for themselves.
It goes without saying that should director Bryan Singer and star Nicholas Hoult wish, they’ve clearly got the makings of a lengthy franchise.
Have we overlooked any notable Giants, or otherwise-embiggened individuals? Name them in the comments.
Jack the Giant Slayer will be in theaters on March 1st.
Follow Andrew on Twitter @andrew_dyce.