In the world of serial killers and demons, there are plenty of ways to die in a standard horror movie – check out our 10 Unique Horror Movie Deaths list post – but the number of ways to lose your life increases dramatically when monsters are inserted into the equation.
Let’s say that in your travels you cross paths with a monster from a horror movie and you DON’T want to die by being torn to shreds, eaten, mauled, or disemboweled – how would you go about surviving such an encounter?
Well, if you read our 10 Ways to Avoid Being Killed by a Horror Movie Monster, then you should come out relatively unscathed.
Example: Robert Muldoon (Bob Peck) in Jurassic Park
While most (read: smart) people are running away from a dangerous monster, these guys are purposely tracking it down with the intent to kill – or sometimes capture.
Hunters are usually the most heavily armed and prepared to handle an encounter with a horror movie monster, but all that firepower becomes useless when the ownder’s first to be taken out. You’re better off dropping the heavy equipment and running for your life – just don’t look back.
Example: Every female extra in Piranha 3D
Monster: Flesh-eating Piranhas
At first glance, this statement may appear sexist, but if you watch every monster movie ever made you’ll notice that most (if not all) well-endowed women never survive longer than the first act. Typically, they become nothing more than voluptuous screen-chewing fodder for a hungry, bloodthirsty beast.
In some ways, having large breasts while being attacked by a horror movie monster is the equivalent of being on a Star Trek episode while wearing a red shirt – your chances of survival are slim-to-none.
Example: Warren Westridge (Jonathan Hyde) in Anaconda
Monster – Giant Green Anaconda
During extreme situations, like being chased by a horror movie monster, people tend to respond one of two ways – either they band together in an attempt to save everyone in the group or they become a selfish jerks that the rest of the group comes to despise.
Just because you’re in a life-threatening situation doesn’t mean you can’t use your good manners.
It’s short and simple: No one in a group likes a jerk. In fact, if it comes down to your group saving the jerk or saving the bumbling idiot, the jerk is bound to be left for dead every time.
Example: Ranger Gail (Victoria Johnson) in Grizzly
Monster: Prehistoric Grizzly Bear
If a horror movie monster is in the area and you don’t remember anything else from this list, then you MUST remember just one lifesaving rule (unless you have a death wish and want to be mangled, that is).
There truly is safety in numbers and your chances of survival increase significantly as long as you aren’t alone when you cross paths with a large, dangerous creature. Because if it comes down to a fight between you and the creature, mano-a-mano, the creature tends to win.
Example: Walter Chang (Victor Wong) in Tremors
There is a saying, “I don’t have to be faster than the monster, just faster than you.” This is especially true when a horror movie monster is picking a group of people off one at a time.
Monsters will always go for the “low-hanging fruit” or the easy kill – people who are usually elderly, hurt, sick or overweight. Just like you don’t want to be the hunter (who typically is at the front of the group), you don’t want to be last, either. It’s best to stay somewhere in the middle.
Example: Scottish Commandos in Dog Soldiers
All of the men and women in the Special Forces are true badasses and God bless every one of them for serving their country, but all that highly-skilled weapon and hand-to-hand combat training is ultimately worthless when going up against a horror movie monster.
Sure, the survival training and knowledge they have can be useful against monsters up to a point, but all it really does is prolong their impending demise. You have a better chance of living as a Boy Scout with a pocketknife than a Navy SEAL with an M-16.
Example: Millburn (Rafe Spall) in Prometheus
Monster: Alien Worm
By their very nature, scientists are curious about anything and everything and often throw caution to the wind for the chance to see or touch a horror movie monster up close, even if it means losing their life in the process – which they always do.
Scientists do serve a purpose, though, because without them we wouldn’t know anything about the beast trying to devour us. However, once that knowledge has been passed on to the group, they can sacrifice themselves to the creature…in the name of science.
Example: Chrissie Watkins (Susan Backilnie) in Jaws
Monster: Great White Shark
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to commune with nature by going for a swim, camping or taking a relaxing hike through the woods by yourself, but when “nature” is trying to kill you by way of a horror movie monster, you should seriously consider staying indoors and around people.
As was stated earlier, monsters go for the easy prey. And nothing is easier than a human being frolicking about in nature with no one else around to watch their back or hear them scream for help.
Example: Russell Franklin (Samuel L. Jackson) in Deep Blue Sea
Monster: Super Shark
You should have a healthy amount of paranoia when approaching an entrance way where a monster could easily reach out and grab you. Bad things will always happen if you stand too close to an entrance, but if you MUST stand near one, at least don’t turn your back to it.
Your actions during an attack by a horror movie monster should be the same as if a tornado is bearing down on you – don’t go near any windows or doors.
Example: Steve Elliot (Billy Zane) in Critters
It’s a known fact that horror movie monsters are highly attracted to the smell of alcohol, weed and hormones. So if you find yourself in the position of being hunted down by one such creature, then it’s in your best interest to abstain from any of those activities.
Guys: If during an attack, you find that you just can’t control your hormones because the girl you’re with is too much of “hottie,” just remember – the monster will probably kill and eat you first.
Girls: You aren’t immune to this either, so getting drunk on cheap beer during a time of crisis isn’t the way to go. In the end, you’ll just give the monster a buzz.
Those are our 10 Ways to Avoid Being Killed By a Horror Movie Monster, so do with them what you will.
And if you ever find yourself being chased through the woods, drinking heavily, or standing next to an open doorway with a some dangerous beast in the area, don’t say we didn’t warn you.
Are there any other ways you can think of to keep from being some monster’s dinner?
Follow me on Twitter – @MoviePaul – and tell me how you would avoid a messy death at the hands of a horror movie monster.