5. The Fog
Interesting coincidence that John Carpenter’s The Thing is our best horror remake, while the remake of his 1981 classic The Fog is one of the worst. Directed by Rupert Wainwright and starring TV’s Thomas Welling (Smallville), Maggie Grace (Lost) and Selma Blair, The Fog remake is a slap to the face of anyone who’s a fan of the original. Lame characters, atrocious attempts at comic relief – and worst of all, some of the tackiest CGI fog ever created for the big screen. Welling might be Clark Kent, but he’s certainly no Tom Atkins, as could be said about the rest of the cast. But what makes this mess of a film one of the worst remakes ever is that it perverted the original story and concept so badly that not even today’s teeny-boppy PG-13-happy audience could get into it.
4. The Hitcher
Platinum Dunes doesn’t generally make bad movies… I think of them more like average movies that could be worse. That is, until they remade Robert Harmon’s The Hitcher. On paper, it sounded like a solid idea: switch the protagonist from male to female (that Sophia Bush is quite the looker), cast Sean Bean in the Rutger Hauer role, and let the chips fall into something awesome. The end result was far from it. Designed solely to please the MTV generation and nobody else, the new Hitcher focused on car crashes and the lead couple bickering, instead of building tension and suspense, resulting in the longest 80 minutes ever put to celluloid. It looked great, as all Platinum Dunes films do, but holy crow was it a mess.
Train scores points for not only being one of the worst remakes ever, but for also being a film that actually seemed to remake two films at once. Initially conceived as a remake of Terror Train but later dropping the association once the script resembled very little of the original, the film also plays like a remake of Hostel, only set on a train. Thora Birch headlines this straight-to-DVD flick that hit the torture porn circuit about 3 years after torture porn was cool. Showcasing violence for violence sake and an absurd story about a torturous killer on a train (there’s only so many places to go or hide!), the film falls flat on every level.
2. Prom Night
The original Prom Night‘s concept is so easy, so basic, and so perfectly set up for a remake that it’s baffling how badly they screwed it up. A teen and her friends are stalked and killed on Prom Night – except in the remake Prom is at a hotel, and the killer (and his motivation) is extremely lame. They throw any sense of easily obtainable suspense out the window for a handful of boo-scares, and (maybe worst of all) they dumb it down to a PG-13 rating, taking away the gratuitous nudity and violence that a movie like Prom Night is intended to showcase! And while Brittany Snow is hot, she doesn’t hold a flame next to Jaime Lee Curtis in the scream queen department.
1. The Stepfather
“From the makers of Prom Night” should have been the first hair-raising sign that The Stepfather remake was going to be a total waste of a movie and a discredit to the original. That said, things were looking up when the cast was announced: Penn Badgley, Dylan Walsh, Sela Ward and Amber Heard. “Maybe this remake will stand a chance of not sucking?” some of us dared to think.
But to confirm all thoughts and theories, not only was The Stepfather remake bad, it was one of the worst remakes ever released on the big screen. Without even a smidgen of the suspense and intensity of the original, the remake appeared to have done its best to try and be as boring as possible. From the opening “shocker” to the umpteenth family dinner sequence that wanted to leave us on edge (but rather gave us cause for some shut eye), The Stepfather is as bad as a horror remake gets. Not only does it NOT capture the essence of the original, it was boring and totally forgettable.