If ‘The Expendables’ Were Monsters

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The Expendables Monsters Movie Header 1024x400 If The Expendables Were Monsters

Lionsagate’s Expendables films are little more than ’80s action fan service – a chance to see aged icons like Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Wesley Snipes rub elbows with each other.

And while it’s fun to consider what other action heroes, or heroines, should join the Expendables team, we’ve already started thinking about how to really make a splash after The Expendables 3. How about an Expendables team that’s made up of cinema’s most beloved and feared monsters?

However, it’s worth pointing out first and foremost that the formation of this Expendables Monsters group is focused on the utility of each team member. We also tried to add a little variety to the mix, rather than simply picking the scariest – or outright strongest movie monsters. This is all in good fun so don’t take the fact that X monster didn’t make the list personally.

This is not a list of the top movie monsters – though we’d still love to hear how your favorites might fit into the team in the comments.

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The Tactician: ID4 Alien

Monsters Expendables Independence Day Alien If The Expendables Were Monsters

Although the alien’s (species unknown) plan to eradicate the human race didn’t go down exactly as planned, you have to admit it was pretty brilliant. Set up giant, destructive ships at all the major cities and let loose. No negotiations, just destruction – then pick off the stragglers in a ground assault after the fact.

It’s that type of cutthroat, yet methodical thinking that will be extremely important for our Expendables Monsters team. And frankly, although most of the monsters on this list are plenty capable, they aren’t extremely smart. That’s where this guy comes in.

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The Wild Card: Xenomorph

Expendables Monster Xenomorph If The Expendables Were Monsters

  • First Appearance: Alien (1979)
  • Abilities: Quick Movement, Strength, Acid Blood, Puncturing Mouth Within a Mouth

Every good team needs a wild card, and we’ve selected the xenomorph from the Alien franchise for our squad. Obviously, the xenomorph’s relationship with the Predator will put the team in constant conflict and she’s prone to running off on her own, but it’s hard to imagine a formidable team without her.

She’s quick, she’s agile, she’s tough to bring down, and she can do a whole lot of melee damage – like a massive alien ninja. The only question is: can we ever really keep her under control?

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Demolitions Expert: Gizmo

Expendables Monsters Gizmo If The Expendables Were Monsters

  • First Appearance: Gremlins (1984)
  • Abilities: Ingenious Builder

Although it’s partially Gizmo’s fault whenever the Gremlins appear (don’t feed him after midnight), there’s no denying the little Mogwai always steps up when he is needed. His love of setting things on fire makes him a perfect candidate for the demolitions expert, and his small stature helps him get behind enemy lines more easily.

He’s basically the monster version of Rambo, only with a soft furry exterior. And who doesn’t want to watch a cuddly little creature blow stuff up?

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Leader: Dracula

Monsters Expendables Dracula If The Expendables Were Monsters

  • First Appearance: Dracula (1931)
  • Abilities: Immortal, Mind Control, Transformation, Super Speed, Flight

For the leader of our group we have selected Dracula – simply because he’s the quintessential monster. First introduced by Bram Stoker in the late 1800s, Dracula has seen many cinematic interpretations over the years, but his backstory has almost always incorporated some leadership role – either of vampire children, or in the case of Dracula Untold, an entire army.

More importantly, Dracula is a jack of all trades when it comes to movie monsters, capable of escaping death, tackling any foe, and creating minions at the drop of a hat. He’s the face of Universal’s Monsters for a reason.

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NEXT PAGE: 4 More Expendables Monsters Team Members

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TAGS: alien, dracula, godzilla, gremlins, independence day, predator, the expendables, the expendables 3, the neverending story

25 Comments

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  1. No!

  2. Nice list anthony. The muscle could also be Hellboy if you want to make it a little more reasonable.

  3. This list is hilariously absurd (in a good way). I’d love to throw in Dr Jekyll/Mr Hyde as the Head Research member

    • I like it!

  4. Alien – Alien (1979)
    Medusa – Clash Of The Titans (1981)
    The Thing – The thing (1982)
    The Terminator – The Terminator(1984)
    Stripe – Gremlins (1984)
    Brundlefly – The Fly (1986)
    Predator – Predator (1987)
    Pennywise – Stephen King’s It (1990)
    The Mummy – The Mummy (1999)

    aaand maybe:
    Dren – Splice (2009)

  5. great list/article!

  6. Godzilla isn’t an alien, Godzilla vs. King Ghidorah even talks about his origin.

    • They don’t need to be aliens, just movie monsters.

  7. So basically, Godzilla is to this list what Arnold Schwarzenegger is to The Expendables films, a hulking badass that shows up near the end to save the day?

    • I guess you could say that.

  8. I like this! I think for their first outing, the Monster Expendables should go up against Cthulhu.

  9. I guess…?

  10. Just might be a better movie than The Expendables

  11. the most fun to read by anyone here at the rant! well done Anthony!! great list and I have to add a few

    muscle – terminator, also the hot blond terminator, Jason and Michael

    comedic one liners – Freddy

    Defense – The blob

  12. Not trying to be a jerk I just have an honest question:

    Wouldn’t a Ninja and Black ops be the same thing?

    • Kind of. Black ops would be more high tech

  13. Guys, I would like to see a Fantasy movie characters line up of expendables and a Sci-fi movie character line up. If you guys make a decent list… we petition them to become reality and they can all be part of a “Expendables Cinematic Universe” as rival mercenary groups.

  14. This actually makes me think of Pokémon.

    Put all these monsters into Pokéballs!!!

  15. Don’t forget The Mummy! Every monster team needs one member who has the unique ability to SLOWLY walk up behind someone and strangle them, (provided of course that the intended victim is either paralyzed or sleeping very soundly).
    On a more serious note, I think you should separate them into two teams. The Gothic horror team, and the sci-fi team. Gothic horror would be Dracula, The Mummy, Jekyll and Hyde, perhaps even Saruman. The sci-fi team would be Predator, Terminators, Alien etc..

  16. My team would consist of the creatures from the Pitch Black movie, Predator, The Creeper from Jeepers Creepers, Pumpkinhead, Chucky, King Kong(Peter Jackson’s),Marcus the badass vampire from Underworld 2, Smaug, The Toxic Avenger, and the creature from the movie “The Relic”. I would put my team up against any other monster team!lol!

  17. Chuck Norris. That is all.

  18. Attack of the Killer Tomatoes killer tomatoes
    killer gingerbread man
    Rubber the killer tire
    Wishmaster (Jin )
    Critters
    28 days latter zombie
    Pycho (Anthony Perkins )
    Hannibal dr . Hannibal lector

  19. Attack of the Killer Tomatoes killer tomatoes
    killer gingerbread man
    Rubber the killer tire
    Wishmaster (Jin )
    Critters
    28 days latter zombie
    Pycho (Anthony Perkins )
    Chucky child’s play
    Hannibal dr . Hannibal lector

  20. Butter fly affect
    creachers from the black lagoon

  21. They did this movie already, it’s called monsters vs aliens..

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