Lionsagate’s Expendables films are little more than ’80s action fan service – a chance to see aged icons like Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Wesley Snipes rub elbows with each other.

And while it’s fun to consider what other action heroes, or heroines, should join the Expendables team, we’ve already started thinking about how to really make a splash after The Expendables 3. How about an Expendables team that’s made up of cinema’s most beloved and feared monsters?

However, it’s worth pointing out first and foremost that the formation of this Expendables Monsters group is focused on the utility of each team member. We also tried to add a little variety to the mix, rather than simply picking the scariest – or outright strongest movie monsters. This is all in good fun so don’t take the fact that X monster didn’t make the list personally.

This is not a list of the top movie monsters – though we’d still love to hear how your favorites might fit into the team in the comments.


The Tactician: ID4 Alien

Monsters Expendables Independence Day Alien If The Expendables Were Monsters

Although the alien’s (species unknown) plan to eradicate the human race didn’t go down exactly as planned, you have to admit it was pretty brilliant. Set up giant, destructive ships at all the major cities and let loose. No negotiations, just destruction – then pick off the stragglers in a ground assault after the fact.

It’s that type of cutthroat, yet methodical thinking that will be extremely important for our Expendables Monsters team. And frankly, although most of the monsters on this list are plenty capable, they aren’t extremely smart. That’s where this guy comes in.


The Wild Card: Xenomorph

Expendables Monster Xenomorph If The Expendables Were Monsters

  • First Appearance: Alien (1979)
  • Abilities: Quick Movement, Strength, Acid Blood, Puncturing Mouth Within a Mouth

Every good team needs a wild card, and we’ve selected the xenomorph from the Alien franchise for our squad. Obviously, the xenomorph’s relationship with the Predator will put the team in constant conflict and she’s prone to running off on her own, but it’s hard to imagine a formidable team without her.

She’s quick, she’s agile, she’s tough to bring down, and she can do a whole lot of melee damage – like a massive alien ninja. The only question is: can we ever really keep her under control?


Demolitions Expert: Gizmo

Expendables Monsters Gizmo If The Expendables Were Monsters

  • First Appearance: Gremlins (1984)
  • Abilities: Ingenious Builder

Although it’s partially Gizmo’s fault whenever the Gremlins appear (don’t feed him after midnight), there’s no denying the little Mogwai always steps up when he is needed. His love of setting things on fire makes him a perfect candidate for the demolitions expert, and his small stature helps him get behind enemy lines more easily.

He’s basically the monster version of Rambo, only with a soft furry exterior. And who doesn’t want to watch a cuddly little creature blow stuff up?


Leader: Dracula

Monsters Expendables Dracula If The Expendables Were Monsters

  • First Appearance: Dracula (1931)
  • Abilities: Immortal, Mind Control, Transformation, Super Speed, Flight

For the leader of our group we have selected Dracula – simply because he’s the quintessential monster. First introduced by Bram Stoker in the late 1800s, Dracula has seen many cinematic interpretations over the years, but his backstory has almost always incorporated some leadership role – either of vampire children, or in the case of Dracula Untold, an entire army.

More importantly, Dracula is a jack of all trades when it comes to movie monsters, capable of escaping death, tackling any foe, and creating minions at the drop of a hat. He’s the face of Universal’s Monsters for a reason.


NEXT PAGE: 4 More Expendables Monsters Team Members

Black Ops: Predator

Expendables Monsters Predator If The Expendables Were Monsters

  • First Appearance: Predator (1987)
  • Abilities: Stealth Camo, Shoulder-Mounted Gun, Healing Gadgets

The Predator is the ultimate one-alien-wrecking-crew and is the perfect black ops agent for our team. It only further helps that this alien creature loves the thrill of the hunt. Moreover, the Predator’s stealth capabilities help with reconnaissance or deep cover missions, and his futuristic gadgets ensure he’s never fully outgunned.

As mentioned, his abrasive relationship with the xenomorph puts the two at consistent odds – but what’s a good ragtag group without a little conflict? And trust us, there will be plenty of conflict.

Communications: E.T.

Expendables Monsters ET If The Expendables Were Monsters

  • First Appearance: E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial (1982)
  • Abilities: Resurrection, Healing Touch

In every team there’s a weak link who’s utility supersedes their strengths. E.T. is that team member. But with a healing finger and the power of resurrection, E.T. is plenty useful as a medic – but we have selected him as the communications officer.

In Steven Spielberg’s 1982 film, E.T. was focused on phoning home, but for this Expendables Monsters team he will be phoning HQ for missions that only a squad of movie creatures can handle.


Transportation: Falcor

Expendables Monsters Falcor If The Expendables Were Monsters

Those team members who don’t have access to super speed or who aren’t massive creatures will need transportation, and that’s where Falcor comes in. Granted, he only flew Atreyu around in The NeverEnding Story, but we suspect Falcor can carry quite a load.

He also happens to be a fairly wise creature, which makes him useful for pre-mission planning or strategy. But really, Falcor is on the team purely for hauling team members around. It’s a thankless job, but some gigantic flying dog creature has to do it.

The Muscle: Godzilla

Monsters Expendables Godzilla If The Expendables Were Monsters

  • First Appearance: Godzilla (1954)
  • Abilities: Strength, Atomic Breath

Every Avengers-like team needs a Hulk, and in the case of the Expendables Monsters group, Godzilla more than fits the bill. It might seem like overkill including Godzilla on a team like this, but it’s always nice to have a 400 ft. tall creature in your back pocket.

Think of Godzilla like the ace in the hole – when the team is on the ropes and it looks like all hope is lost, he rises up from the sea and lays waste to all foes. We may have been a little too generous by calling him “the muscle,” but Godzilla is an essential part of this team.


[Click for a High-Res Version of Our Expendables Monsters Poster]

There you have it – the first candidates for our Expendables Monsters team. Obviously, like Stallone’s team, ours will continue to grow as time wears on (and contracts need renegotiating), but, for now, we have a well balanced team with a variety of strengths.

But what about you? What monsters would you like to see join our Expendables Monsters team? Let us know in the comments below.

MORE: If The Expendables Were Women

The Expendables 3 is now playing in U.S. theaters.

Follow Anthony on Twitter @ANTaormina