Labyrinth (1986)
When I first started compiling this list, I knew that Jim Henson’s bizarre fantasy film Labyrinth had to be on it. Just consider the plot: A 15-year-old girl wishes her baby brother away to Jareth, the King of Goblins. If she doesn’t make it through his labyrinth in 13 hours, her brother will be turned into a goblin. The stakes don’t get much higher than that. Throw in the fact that David Bowie’s genitalia is exposed by his skin-tight costume throughout most of the film, and it’s hard to argue that Labyrinth doesn’t belong on this list.
You may wonder why a film like Labyrinth makes the cut while the arguably more menacing film The Dark Crystal doesn’t, but there’s a simple explanation: As I mentioned at the beginning of the article, this list is focused on movie plots where real kids are in danger. To paraphrase Star Wars, The Dark Crystal takes place “a long time ago in a [fantasy world] far, far away,” so it doesn’t count. Same applies to The NeverEnding Story.
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Flight of the Navigator (1986)
Another sci-fi film, Flight of the Navigator cheerfully toys with the idea of a 12-year-old child being abducted by an alien spacecraft and then returned to Earth eight years later. The catch: he’s exactly the same age and doesn’t remember any of it. Of course, everything gets sorted out and the kid (David) learns some valuable life lessons on the way, but if you take a step back and really look at this movie, it’s pretty messed up.
This kid disappears for eight years. God knows what those aliens did to him while he was gone. Even worse, when he gets back, he’s poked and prodded by our scientists to find out why he hasn’t aged. Also, can you imagine what his family had to go through? They thought their son was dead. They went through the five stages of grief and everything. Then out of the blue, their kid comes back and he looks exactly the same! Now that’s truly crazy.
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“Sloth is a monstrous man-child who has spent the majority of his life chained up in a basement.”
Thanks Rob, that really made me laugh.
That comment about Sloth could ALMOST describe my sister-in-law, except for one detail: Sloth has better manners and better social skills.
Seriously…I just found out why Sis-In-Law has basically hated me from Day One of our meeting 17 years ago [Before reading this, please be securely seated and have your mouth empty of all food/drink, as I don't want you to damage your computer]…Ready?
It seems that I committed The Most Unpardonable Sins One Can Make:
1. I was correct in spotting/recognizing Brent Spiner in a non-Star Trek role on Night Court; S-I-L, the self-appointed Trek Expert, said it wasn’t him.
2. Three months into dating my future wife, I grievously offended future S-I-L by CHANGING THE TV CHANNEL!
These are the reasons S-I-L hates me…for those who think S-I-L needs serious therapy, Jesus Christ will be starring in the next Bill & Ted movie (standing in for Keanu Reeves) before S-I-L ever goes to therapy.
That is one of the most awesome comments I’ve ever read in my entire comment-reading career.
The last half was absolute comedy gold. Pitiful childish behaviour, hilariously retold. Laughed even more the second time I read it. Bonus lulz for the numbered bullet format.
And get a load of your introduction. Pure win. On moment you’re talking about a character in one of the movies above, then with an amusingly flimsy segue you grab us by the throat and launch into this random p!ss funny rant about your sister in law.
Bravo! Walk away from it! Now it belongs to the ages.
What about The 3 Ninjas? Or their horrific sequels?
By your rules, I wouldn’t put The Labryinth on the list, since it was in a fantasy world. If it does belong there, then so should The Neverending Story.
what about……children of the corn, people under the stairs, lost boys ?
I dont think Children of the Corn is a kids movie.
You forgot Coak & Dagger!! Oh and D.A.R.Y.L.
Cloak*
never ending stories
Explorers (1985)
It is amazing how many had Fred Savage
I would’ve put The Dark Crystal up in here…
Yes lovin this list! They don’t make them like they used to! Infact taking my son today to see 30th anniversary exclusive one day one showing event of ET at the movies tonight. I’m 30 yrs old this will be both our first time to see ET on the silver screen!
How is Time Bandits a drama?-its a pure family film, thats like picking on The Goonies for swearing and some slightly scary scenes! Anyhow this list is redundant without the mighty Time Bandits.
The Peanut Butter Solution is hands down more bizarre and scary than anything listed above.