Well the 2009 summer movie season is over for Hasbro and it has been financially successful. Transformers 2 has milked the entire world economy of over $800 million dollars, while G.I. Joe managed to drain the globe of $100 million this past weekend. So what does that mean for Hasbro their future releases?
Well Steve “Frosty” Weintraub over at Collider managed to catch Brian Goldner, President and C.E.O of Hasbro, before a special screening of G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra and got some interesting answers about a few upcoming projects: Stretch Armstrong, Candy Land, Battleship and Monopoly.
First up is Stretch Armstrong, the toy no one played with (seriously do you know anyone that owned one when you were a kid?). According to Goldner, Stretch will be the first movie released out of the lot, with a planned release of 2011. Now I know what you are thinking, what could this movie possibly be about? When asked, Goldner answered with this gem:
“Stretching as a superpower brings a lot of humor to the idea so imagine a big humorous super-powered, super-human kind of movie.”
Sigh, so to sum it up ‘We have no idea what we are doing with this but stretching is funny and my assistant once got his hand stuck in the vending machine trying to get a bag of chips that didn’t fall all the way. So we will probably have that in the movie.”
Seriously, how much of a generic answer can you give during an interview? I picture Patrick Warburton playing Stretch and Universal turning it into an Underdog meets The Tick-type action film for kids. Actually, now that I think about it, Warburton would be a great choice and I might actually go see this film if they choose him to star.
I can’t be too far off with the “humor” Goldner is referring to. Steve Oderkirk is writing the script for Stretch Armstrong. He also wrote Bruce Almighty, Barnyard, Kung Pow: Enter the Fist, and Nutty Professor 2, so I bet you a dollar to donuts that there is more than one hand/foot/head stuck in a elevator/car door/briefcase/trunk type scene where he gets stretch to the breaking point and people walking/riding bikes/carrying heavy objects trip and fall on said appendage – COMEDY GOLD!!!
Let’s move on to my favorite board games growing up, Chutes and Ladders Candy Land. Hasbro and Universal have already chosen writer Etan Cohen (Tropic Thunder) and director Kevin Lima (Enchanted) to make their board game dream a reality. The Collider interviewer asks the tough question: “What’s your take on a film like “Candy Land?” Goldner’s lackluster response is as follows:
“Well, “Candy Land” is not just about the board game. If you really think about it, it’s an adventure that a kid goes on with his parents when they go across that board. It’s an adventure game so think of that as the beginning point and take off from there.”
Ok, hold please while I “really think about it”… Nope I don’t see it but if I’m reading between his lines properly, and I’m pretty sure I am, they have no idea what they are going to do with this property either. More than likely, it’ll be turned into a Jumanji/Adventure of Elmo mash up. Two kids, a brother and his precocious younger sister, get a board game for Christmas from their eccentric estranged uncle. They beg their parents to play with them and are transported to a magical Willy Wonka-type world where getting to King Kandy is the only way home. Along the way they met Gramma Nutt, Princess Frostine and dodge the evil Licorice Lord and his henchman Gloppy the Molasses Monster.Oh yeah, and the whole thing will be in 3-D.
Good gravy, I wasn’t even trying and I just made up a script for them to use (they can send all payments to my PayPal account).