10 Witches We’d Love (or Hate) To See ‘Hansel & Gretel’ Fight

Published 1 year ago by , Updated January 25th, 2013 at 4:49 am, This is a list post.

Hansel Gretel Witch Hunters Wishlist They haunted our childhood with their nose warts and evil cackles, but as we aged, the fear of the most famous witches from TV and movies never left us. Sure, we realize now that the makeup and cobwebs were more set dressing than actual horror, but those psychological scars aren't going anywhere. Now a pair of champions - Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters - arrive in theaters, with Jeremy Renner and Gemma Arterton as the fairy tale tykes all grown up. But one question remains: which witches will they be hunting? With that in mind, we've named the fictional witches we most hope to see the siblings unleash bullet and bolt upon; as well as those we dearly hope haven't made their hit list. See if your own tormenters can be found on our list of 10 Witches We'd Love (or Hate) To See Hansel & Gretel Fight.

Love To See: The Wicked Witch of the West

Wicked Witch of the West "Going so soon? I wouldn't hear of it. Why my little party's just beginning." Last Seen In: The Wizard of Oz (1939) - While it's true that the Wicked Witch of the West (or 'Elphaba' to her sympathizers) doesn't pose the biggest physical threat to any would-be attackers, we can't help but feel that she deserved more than just a bucket of water as retribution for her cruelty. Sure, her sister may have been killed by a naive young girl who then stole the corpse's shoes. And sure, she may have had the odds stacked against her with skin the color of a green bean. But when you threaten to kill a living scarecrow and a dog the size of a loaf of bread - the gloves come off.

Love To See: Bellatrix Lestrange

Bellatrix Lestrange Harry Potter "He knows how to play! Itty-bitty-baby Potter!" Last Seen In: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2 (2011) - Out of the entire world of Harry Potter's elaborately dressed (and named) wizards and witches, there's only one woman we genuinely fear: Bellatrix Lestrange. The perfect blend of insanity, cruelty, power and cunning (with a dash of homicidal maniac thrown in for good measure), she'd as likely kill you as look at you, giggling uncontrollably while she did it. Frankly, as the only witch who might actually fit right in with Hansel & Gretel's twisted coven, Bellatrix would likely put up the best fight. But the siblings' brand of justice seems to be the only thing that might actually wipe that smirk off her face.

Love To See: The White Witch

Jadis the White Witch "I have no interest in prisoners. Kill them all." Last Seen In: The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader (2010) - Jadis, the last Queen of Charn, Chatelaine of Cair Parnavel, Queen of Narnia - in other words, one evil and frigid witch. Known colloquially as The White Witch, the central antagonist in C.S. Lewis' "The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe" is an embodiment of corruption, ambition, and pride. It's one thing to destroy all life in your world, then turn it into a frozen wasteland and its creatures into stone on a whim; it takes a different level of perversion to display said victims on your castle lawn. It's perversion deserving of a more bitter end than a lion dishes out, Neeson-voiced or not.

Love To See: The Blair Witch

The Blair Witch Project ".....[trees rustling]......[twig snap]........." Last Seen In: The Blair Witch Project (1999) - We use the term "seen" loosely, since the audience is never actually granted a look at the mysterious 'Blair Witch.' Considering what we would have seen was a witch painstakingly crafting and hanging stick-men, spreading slime on backpacks, and shaking tents, we're not exactly sorry. Nevertheless, The Blair Witch Project was the first (and last) found-footage film to actually make us question if it was real or not. It's not that we're still scared of filming trees after sundown (we are), but a chance to watch Renner and Arterton fight, not flee, from what is obviously the witch-equivalent of a high school or Internet bully is much needed.

Love To See: Sabrina, the Teenage Witch

Sabrina the Teenage Witch "I hate being a witch!! I just turned the most popular girl in school into A PINEAPPLE!" Last Seen In: Sabrina, the Teenage Witch (1996) - Before people jump to any conclusions and think we actually want to see Sabrina Spellman (get it?!) sliced and diced, let us explain. More than anything, we just really think her cat Salem would have some great quips about two fairy tale characters turned ruthless killers. Given that the show itself was a light comedy, there was never any chance for Sabrina (Melissa Joan Hart) to make with the serious witchcraft. But if bullets and blades started flying, charms wouldn't do the trick. We'd pay to see Sabrina, the Killer Witch any day....provided Salem was in it.

Hate To See: Hermione Granger

Hermione Granger "Stop, stop, stop! You're going to take someone's eye out. Besides, you're saying it wrong. It's LeviOsa, not LeviosAR." Last Seen In: Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows - Part 2 (2011) - While nothing would be more compelling than seeing Hansel & Gretel break into Ron and Hermione's home in pursuit of "the greatest witch of her generation," we'd be heartbroken. Not that Hermione couldn't defend herself, but if the pair are as deadly as the trailers imply, we don't like her odds. A quiz on the effects of Basilisk venom she'd do fine with, but inexperience with crossbows has to count against her. And if we're honest, Ron would likely be the first to go.

Hate To See: Willow Rosenberg

Willow Rosenberg Buffy the Vampire Slayer

"I happen to think mine is the level head. And yours is the one things would roll off of." Last Seen In: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1997) - To be clear, we're talking about the sweet, innocent, plucky young Willow - not the 'power-crazed and slightly evil' Willow. Not that we blame her for her power trip, since we're surprised it didn't happen sooner. And as brilliant as the dialogue between she and her pursuers would be, we just couldn't bring ourselves to watch her fight without her friends. As the embodiment of everything positive that magic can bring, and how love can be more powerful than the strongest spells, seeing Willow killed would be tantamount to heresy. Unless Joss Whedon is directing, in which case she's as good as dead.

Hate To See: Samantha Stephens

Samantha Bewitched "Try to control your temper. Remember, 'Peace on earth, goodwill to men' includes witches." Last Seen In: Bewitched (1964) - While technically justified, we couldn't handle the assault on our nostalgia that would occur if Hansel & Gretel smashed into the home of Samantha and Darrin Stephens. Would it be fair punishment for using witchcraft to clean or get grocery shopping done in a blink? Not in the slightest. The courageous Tabitha running through the house, frantically rubbing her nose in an effort to save her mother may be the stuff of great drama, but not what H&G:WH is going for. As we see it, Samantha (Elizabeth Montgomery) is too much of a treasure to put in harm's way. Endora, on the other hand....

Hate To See: The Witches of Eastwick

The Witches of Eastwick "You're not even interesting enough to make me sick." Last Seen In: The Witches of Eastwick (1987) - They're some of the most famous witches in the modern era, but the trio of unknowing conjurers seen in George Miller's book adaptation would only drag down a witch-hunting adventure. The John Updike novel may be memorable, but not for its broom-flying or cackles. We have to imagine that if Hansel & Gretel stumbled upon three women sculpting, teaching a music lesson, and hammering away on a typewriter, they'd just apologize and leave. Jack Nicholson might tip them off that something was amiss, but we'd rather they move on to bigger threats.

Hate To See: The Owens Sisters

Practical Magic Owens Sisters "If any man dared take on an Owens woman, he'd live briefly in the euphoria of her love... until meeting an untimely death." Last Seen In: Practical Magic (1998) - Despite coming from a family of witches, Sally (Sandra Bullock) and Gillian (Nicole Kidman) Owens aren't what comes to mind when people think of 'witches.' In fact, they prove that people who believe old wives tales will just miss out on some fascinating realities. Sure, they use magic when it comes in handy - and yes, Sally used it to bring the man of her dreams into existence. They even brought a dead boyfriend back to life - one who was corrupted by evil spirits and supernatural power along the way. Wait...why are we defending them? On second thought, maybe Hansel & Gretel need to take a trip by the Owens' place after all.

10 Witches We'd Love (Or Hate) To See Hansel & Gretel Fight

Hansel Gretel Witch Hunters Wishlist We won't know until we see the movie for ourselves if these witches (or ones like them) are among the cast, but that wait is almost over. Which of these witches do you wish to see dispatched or spared? Have we overlooked any particularly terrifying or heartwarming enchantresses that hold a special place in your own memory? Name them in the comments. Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters releases today. - Follow Andrew on Twitter @andrew_dyce.
TAGS: hansel and gretel witch hunters

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  1. This is out in some markets. Any word on its quality yet?

    • 1 review on RT by roger moore says it tries to be like brothers grimm but ends up like an overly bloody f-bomb using van helsing

      • Roger Moore as in the Bond actor?

  2. Bellatrix, how we miss thee.

    She was probably the best acted character in the Potter movies, she was so evil she was pretty damn attractive. Put a spell on me anytime Bella.

  3. I’d love to see Hansel & Gretel also go up against Delores Umbridge, since I always hated her more than Bellatrix.

  4. How come you forgot about the likes of Yukari Sendo or Ruby Tojo from Rosario + Vampire on the half of the list in terms of the “Hating to see get targeted by the siblings” side of the list?
    Its understandable why Hermione of the Potter-world or Willow from Buffy got in the list, even to head it, but why did you forget the two Witches I’d not above?

    What about the Witches from Madoka Magica and where would they stand in regards like these?

    I-No from Guilty Gear as one of the targets for the duo to hunt down would make a lot of sense, one of the questions to ask is this:
    Does the Duo have it in them to pull it off successfully without getting killed many times over?

    These questions and more are in need of answers if anything, and these are at the top of my head.

    • You are a nerd. And not in a good way.

    • I…..

      *tries to think of a non-insulting response*

      I think the article is trying to list witches that most people have actually heard of.

    • You need to get out more. *facepalm*

      • I sort of agree but in a way, I also don’t because that’s not very nice to insult the guy/girl like that.

        • I do apologize for that inconsiderate comment. I wanted to erase it but couldn’t. Even though I did find Commander’s comments quite nerdy and with references that aren’t well known to majority of us, I shouldn’t have posted such insensitive reply. I’m sure he didn’t ask for my input, so Sorry again.

          • Kudos to you for the maturity to admit the mistake and apologize for it.

    • Who are these no-name witches? I thought I was about as nerdy as they came, but you’ve taken it to another level. I don’t know if I should thank you or feel offended.

    • Outside of Japan, at least in the United States, much of anime people know of is only that which is shown on television, and even then most probably still wouldn’t have much recognition of it. Granted there is a fanbase that might have recognition of the characters you mention, I do believe that most would not. As for myself, I only recognize the titles of one of the shows you speak of. Guilty Gear (I know it’s a game) could also be considered obscure for anyone outside of the anime fanbase, it being notable in the fanbase for possessing anime style graphics.

      Still, people don’t have a right to dub you a nerd or insult you for having an interest in something as semi-obscure (in the US at least) as anime.

  5. the chicks from the craft, especially that cray-cray b**tch Nancy.

  6. I’d like to see them go up against the Sanderson sisters from “Hocus Pocus” or the girls from Charmed.

    Lets not forget about the witches from True Blood

  7. “…..[trees rustling]……[twig snap]………”

    Haha I love how that’s the only quote for the Blair Witch. Hopefully Hansel and Gretel turns out well!

  8. Bellatrix and The White Witch would wipe the floor with them, if they could cooperate with each other long enough. Hermione and Sabrina would get their asses handed to them.

    In any case, just from the trailers alone, this film already looks horrible. This decade’s “Van Helsing”. Jeremy Renner and Gemma Arterton aren’t the greatest of actors, the story seems lackluster and without substance, and who is Tommy Wirkola? Has he directed anything notable? Also, produced by Will Ferrel? That doesn’t give me much hope. He’s great…sometimes (love him in Stranger than Fiction). Not even the inclusion of Famke Jannsen can make this film seem like it would be good. Nevertheless, I will still watch, just so I can make a proper, fully informed conclusion.

    • See, I liked Van Helsing and I like Will Ferrell too so those alone would make me consider watching.

      The fact I’m saving my movie going experience for Iron Man 3 however takes away from that.

    • I agree with your jermey renner statement, he does good in some roles. But he is nothing special kinda like colin farrel

      • You got it right about Colin Farrell.

  9. Have to say the Sanderson Sisters from Hocus Pocus.

  10. Hocus Pocus was the first thing that popped into my head when i read the title. And after going through it i’m a little surprised it wasnt on the list. It seemed you were scrapping the barrel a little adding Hermione and Sabrina to the list.

    Also…
    Naomie Harris from the “Pirates of the Caribbean” series
    Usela from “The Little Mermaid” (or any Disney witches for that matter)
    Willow (my friend is telling me there are a few witches in that film, i never actually saw it)
    and
    Witch Hazel from “Looney Tunes”

    • Didn’t the Sanderson Sisters get defeated by some children while all the adults were held in captivation by a spell?

      • Wasn’t the Wicked Witch of the West defeated by a bucket of water?

        • Yes, and also The White Witch by children, though they had help.

          • SHE WASN’T BEATEN BY CHILDREN THE WHITE WITCH WAS MAULED BY ASLAN AN HAD HE FACE RIPPED OFF.

  11. Anybody remember Miss Switch, the conservative cartoon substitute teacher voiced by Janet Waldo? Secretly a witch? She’d probably get crossbowed by these two but it would be very sad.

    No contest: Endora would send the hunters to a gogo bar on Neptune.

    “…..[trees rustling]……[twig snap]………” lol

  12. I half-expected to see Witch Hazel in this list.

  13. The Charmed ones vs Hansel and Gretel. Yeah, I said it.

    • Which was already said.

  14. Samantha would simply send them both away to somewhere very cold and uncomfortable, she is far to powerful for anyone other than a stronger witch.

  15. Melisandre from Game of Thrones, anyone?

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