Even though much of the world may be celebrating a romantic holiday with their significant other, we can’t forget that monsters need love too!
Check out our list of 7 sexy females monsters that would be a perfect Valentine! (if you don’t mind fighting for your life)
Monster type: Werewolf
Positive Trait: Great Cosplayer.
Negative Trait: In the words of Peter Venkman: “So, she’s a dog.”
Acceptability of Monster Form: Medium
Chances of Survival: Low/Medium*
If you thought a telepathic Anna Paquin would be difficult to handle in a relationship, just imagine the complications that would arise from her affinity for Beggin’ Strips when there’s a full moon. While Laurie may end up ripping your throat out, what will ultimately decide your chances of survival will be her ability to resist the peer pressure of her wolven cohorts.
What’s that Kevin McCallister from Home Alone? “Buzz, your girlfriend – WOOF!”
*depending on what her friends are up to that night (and if she’s still a… well, you know)
Monster type: Succubus
Positive Trait: You’ll never have to worry about serving her food that’s “too hot.”
Negative Trait: A pool is the last place you’ll want to be with her.
Acceptability of Monster Form: High
Chances of Survival: Medium*
Megan Fox’s looks, Diablo Cody’s voice, and a creamy nugget succubus interior – If the first two don’t kill you, the last surely will.
“But I like pop culture references and sloppy narratives coming from a beautiful woman” – No, you don’t, Shia Labeouf… remember Transformers 3? You upgraded, buddy!
Your new woman called Megatron a “bitch” – to his face! …Optimus Prime wouldn’t even do that.
*you’ll definitely need some backup – preferably female
Monster type: Alien Parasite
Positive Trait: She loves running around naked.
Negative Trait: Your water bill will increase dramatically.
Acceptability of Monster Form: WTF – No!
Chances of Survival: Medium/High
When you go to a high school that has the T-1000 (Robert Patrick), Jene Grey (Famke Janssen) AND Jon Stewart as part of their faculty, nothing’s going to surprise you. Of course, when the innocent new girl decides to run around the school naked, you should recognize that this is either a dream OR you’re in some deep shi… stuff.
Monster type: Sexy Abomination of Science
Positive Trait: Her name is “nerd” spelled backwards.
Negative Trait: She can spontaneously turn into a man.
Acceptability of Monster Form: Medium/High
Chances of Survival: Low
Where is Peter Venkman? We need him again.
WHAT DID YOU DO, R… Adrian Brody?! You dirty Dog! Perhaps the Pianist isn’t up on his HBO Def Comedy Jam, but that isn’t an excuse to not know the golden rule of women: You NEVER have a “fling” with a woman that has the DNA of a bunch of damn dirty animals – NEVER!
Well, unless we’re talking about Cheetara from the ThunderCats. Am I right, Lion-O? Yeah… you know what I’m talking about! ThunderCats roar it up, buddy.
Monster type: Vampire
Positive Trait: Snake dancing = Win
Negative Trait: You wouldn’t like her when she gets angry.
Acceptability of Monster Form: Low
Chances of Survival: Medium
Oh Salma… You know what? I think this is doable. Sure, you’re a vampire… and I’m what you like to eat – but that doesn’t mean we can’t get along. I mean, it’s obvious that you practiced with that snake enough to be the featured performer at the “Titty Twister”, and it’s still alive.
Just think of me as some type of cuddly snake… and when you decide to put your ug-face on, maybe I’ll track down some homeless men for you to feast on.
You know what? Scratch that! This is how women turn good men bad. Where is Blade? In prison?! How the hel… but he’s Blade!
Monster type: Alien/Human Hybrid
Positive Trait: You can be like Captain Kirk and kiss an alien.
Negative Trait: Doing anything other than kissing will likely raise your insurance premiums.
Acceptability of Monster Form: WTF – Medium*
Chances of Survival: Low/Medium
Sil, I know it’s not your fault that you’re this way, but the booby armor may be a bit overboard. And what’s with all the anger? You don’t need to throw yourself at every man that comes along – especially if them having low blood sugar means that you’re going to stick your spikey tail through their head.
If Star Trek has taught us anything, it’s that alien races can “get along” (if you know what I mean, dirty Captain Kirk) – you just need to learn how to love yourself first.
Yeah, you’re true form is kind of… well, let’s just say beautiful? But it’s mostly the shoulder pads, er, spikes, honey. I mean, it’s not 1992 anymore. Be yourself!
…and maybe start out on OkCupid before putting yourself out there completely
*depending on your taste in other species
Monster type: Vampire
Positive Trait: She’ll give you eternal life…
Negative Trait: …but not eternal youth.
Acceptability of Monster Form: High
Chances of Survival: Extremely High*
Let’s slow things down here… it’s time for a couples-only skate (no backward fanciness allowed).
Imagine you found this beautiful women, who is smart, mature (WELL beyond her years), and who says that she wants to spend the rest of her life with you. What would you do?
You check her attic.. and then call shenanigans. Oh, what are all these coffins? This is where you dump the living remains of every other man you wanted to spend the rest of your life with?
Yeah, I’m not a scrapbook, honey… it’s time to get all Buffy the Vampire Slayer on your ass.
*you’d rather die
How’s that for some heart-warming Valentine’s Day revelry?
Oh, you didn’t like it? Alright, grump… you better watch yourself!
Guess what? I just got off the phone with Elmo and Mr. Rogers. You know how they always say that you’re special and that they love you? Well, turns out they were talking to everyone else in the world except you.
Yeah, Elmo hates you – deal with it… in tears.
Brought To You By Silent House – in theaters March 9, 2012.