
Even though much of the world may be celebrating a romantic holiday with their significant other, we can't forget that monsters need love too!
Check out our list of 7 sexy females monsters that would be a perfect Valentine! (if you don't mind fighting for your life)
Monster type: Werewolf
Positive Trait: Great Cosplayer.
Negative Trait: In the words of Peter Venkman:
"So, she's a dog."
Acceptability of Monster Form: Medium
Chances of Survival: Low/Medium*
If you thought a telepathic Anna Paquin would be difficult to handle in a relationship, just imagine the complications that would arise from her affinity for Beggin' Strips when there's a full moon. While Laurie may end up ripping your throat out, what will ultimately decide your chances of survival will be her ability to resist the peer pressure of her wolven cohorts.
What's that Kevin McCallister from
Home Alone?
"Buzz, your girlfriend – WOOF!"
*depending on what her friends are up to that night (and if she's still a... well, you know)
Monster type: Succubus
Positive Trait: You'll never have to worry about serving her food that's "too hot."
Negative Trait: A pool is the last place you'll want to be with her.
Acceptability of Monster Form: High
Chances of Survival: Medium*
Megan Fox's looks, Diablo Cody's voice, and a creamy nugget succubus interior – If the first two don't kill you, the last surely will.
"But I like pop culture references and sloppy narratives coming from a beautiful woman" – No, you don’t, Shia Labeouf… remember Transformers 3? You upgraded, buddy!
Your new woman called Megatron a "bitch" – to his face! …Optimus Prime wouldn't even do that.
*you'll definitely need some backup - preferably female
Monster type: Alien Parasite
Positive Trait: She
loves running around naked.
Negative Trait: Your water bill will increase dramatically.
Acceptability of Monster Form: WTF - No!
Chances of Survival: Medium/High
When you go to a high school that has the T-1000 (Robert Patrick), Jene Grey (Famke Janssen) AND Jon Stewart as part of their faculty, nothing's going to surprise you. Of course, when the innocent new girl decides to run around the school naked, you should recognize that this is either a dream OR you're in some deep shi… stuff.
Monster type: Sexy Abomination of Science
Positive Trait: Her name is "nerd" spelled backwards.
Negative Trait: She can spontaneously turn into a man.
Acceptability of Monster Form: Medium/High
Chances of Survival: Low
Where is Peter Venkman? We need him again.
Ready?
WHAT DID YOU DO, R… Adrian Brody?! You dirty Dog! Perhaps the Pianist isn't up on his HBO Def Comedy Jam, but that isn't an excuse to not know the golden rule of women: You NEVER have a "fling" with a woman that has the DNA of a bunch of damn dirty animals – NEVER!
Well, unless we're talking about Cheetara from the
ThunderCats. Am I right, Lion-O? Yeah… you know what I'm talking about! ThunderCats roar it up, buddy.
Monster type: Vampire
Positive Trait: Snake dancing = Win
Negative Trait: You wouldn't like her when she gets angry.
Acceptability of Monster Form: Low
Chances of Survival: Medium
Oh Salma… You know what? I think this is doable. Sure, you're a vampire… and I'm what you like to eat – but that doesn't mean we can't get along. I mean, it's obvious that you practiced with that snake enough to be the featured performer at the "Titty Twister", and
it's still alive.
Just think of me as some type of cuddly snake… and when you decide to put your ug-face on, maybe I'll track down some homeless men for you to feast on.
You know what? Scratch that! This is how women turn good men bad. Where is
Blade? In prison?! How the hel… but he's
Blade!
Monster type: Alien/Human Hybrid
Positive Trait: You can be like Captain Kirk and kiss an alien.
Negative Trait: Doing anything other than kissing will likely raise your insurance premiums.
Acceptability of Monster Form: WTF - Medium*
Chances of Survival: Low/Medium
Sil, I know it's not your fault that you're this way, but the booby armor may be a bit overboard. And what's with all the anger? You don't need to throw yourself at every man that comes along – especially if them having low blood sugar means that you're going to stick your spikey tail through their head.
If
Star Trek has taught us anything, it's that alien races can "get along" (if you know what I mean, dirty Captain Kirk) – you just need to learn how to love yourself first.
Yeah, you're true form is kind of… well, let's just say beautiful? But it's mostly the shoulder pads, er, spikes, honey. I mean, it's not 1992 anymore. Be yourself!
…and maybe start out on OkCupid
before putting yourself out there completely
*depending on your taste in other species
Monster type: Vampire
Positive Trait: She'll give you eternal life...
Negative Trait: ...but not eternal youth.
Acceptability of Monster Form: High
Chances of Survival: Extremely High*
Let's slow things down here… it's time for a couples-only skate (no backward fanciness allowed).
Imagine you found this beautiful women, who is smart, mature (WELL beyond her years), and who says that she wants to spend the rest of her life with you. What would you do?
You check her attic.. and then call shenanigans. Oh, what are all these coffins? This is where you dump the living remains of every other man you wanted to spend the rest of your life with?
Yeah, I'm not a scrapbook, honey… it's time to get all Buffy the Vampire Slayer on your ass.
*you'd rather die

How's that for some heart-warming Valentine's Day revelry?
Oh, you didn't like it? Alright, grump… you better watch yourself!
Guess what? I just got off the phone with Elmo and Mr. Rogers. You know how they always say that you're special and that they love you? Well, turns out they were talking to everyone else in the world
except you.
Yeah, Elmo hates you – deal with it... in tears.
Brought To You By
Silent House - in theaters March 9, 2012.
Borg Queen
Ah, good one!
Vic
Indeed. Lucrezia Borgia.
That’s some nice ass-imulation. But what about that actress, Alice Krieg I think, in “Ghost Story.” Early eighties, much less left to the imagination, and no wierd tubes coming out of the head. Just the annoying post-coital transformation into a rotting corpse.
But Alice Kriege in Stephen King´s Sleepwalkers? Thanks. But no, thanks.
she was hot in Ghost Story Yes I’m that old
*VeNkman.
It makes me sad to see that mistake twice, especially given the nature of this site.
…and “Jene” Grey. -1,000 nerd points.
I was ok till I saw that thing from Splice….safe to say to Brody isnt a favorite actor of mine anymore lol
This was beautiful. I loved this article.
What no Kate from underworld :-/
ah Kate. She tops every list about sexy and beauty. She should have been catwoman in TDKR
I agree on that 100%
Yes
Kate ftw
she alone makes the underwold movies her and that black leather suit yum
nothing is better then her suit. Her an that suit is enough the price of admission.
I will admit, I only looked at this artical in hopes that she’d be in it!
Angie Everhart from Bordello of Blood.
Aaliyah from Queen of the Damned.
I would let Salma turn me to a vampire f**k it,and the the chick from species can get it too,along with the girl from the faculty.The innocent southern accent turns me on.
Just now finished rewatching Jennifers Body …wow what a body what a cutie ! Great flick! Watch with tongue firmly in cheek. ( not a sexual reference people )
Agreed. I thought it was brilliant.
How can you have that list and NOT include Angie Everhart???
You have violated Man-law!!
I love me some Megan fox.
As do I.
.
(Not sure I’d still be so into her- I mean it, after she goes all Succubus on me) — In case some of you were doubting it: that was indeed a double entendre
Yessir!! Why does everyone give her such a hard time?
I love Elizabeth Olsen more than i love my family.
LOL
Hahaha!
This article made my day: extremely funny!
Thanks Anthony.
What about the 3 vamps in Van Helsing? Specifically, the one Kate fights.
Anna Paquin looks more hideous in her human form. If she was on top of me and she turned into her werewolf form I’d give a huge sigh of relief.
Lol, Ant you’re a nut…
Good god. Please someone run a spell check before posting. Stuff is so badly written here. :S
ashish.
Really? Care to be specific? Because of your comment I just took the time to go through the ENTIRE post and didn’t find a single spelling error.
Vic
As long as I live I will never forget how unimaginably hot Salma Hayek is in FROM DUSK TILL DAWN. Seeing her in that low cut bikini makes the movie worth buying. In that scene you redefined sensual beauty.
Lifeforce (1985) Mathilda May as the…Space Vampire?
hahah wow nice call DDGmike! when she was walking around the first half naked in every scene, then sucks your soul out of your body,money! too bad that movie took itself WAY to seriously, I thought it had alot of potential before i saw it. cool scene when patrick stewart gets mutilated, but utterly a dissapointment
Ghostbusters (1984) Sigourney Weaver as Dana possessed by Zuul–pretty hot.
Queen of the Damned (2002) Aaliyah as Queen of all vampires.–hot. Lair of the White Worm (1988) Amanda Donahoe as the…um…thing. Once Bitten (1985) Lauren Hutton as the vampire. So many hot female creature things, so little time…sigh.
SERIOUSLY?!? The monster from Splice? How is that sexy? and to have both Salma Hayek and Natasha Henstridge AFTER that thing?!? My girlfriend and I went and saw that awful movie in the theater and kept saying “Oh my God he had sex with the monster!!!” I need a job doing this. You could pay me less and I could do a lot better.
1. Salma Hayek – From Dusk til Dawn
2. Natasha Henstridge – Species
3. Megan Fox – Jennifer’s Body
4. Monica Belluci – Bram Stoker’s Dracula
5. Angie Everhart – Bordello of Blood
6. Katherine Isabelle – Ginger Snaps
7. Lauren Hutton – Once Bitten
@Rob Apples – Nothing stopping you from starting your own blog and writing your own opinions. It’s a wide open internet, feel free to start one up.
Paul Young
Sorry, in a World with real life women like Lorena Bobbit, movie monsters that will steal my heart don’t even peg the fear meter.