12 Things I Learned from Watching Ninja Assassin

Published 5 years ago by , Updated February 15th, 2014 at 4:27 pm,

The argument has been made several times that people learn things from Hollywood. Whether it’s an opinionated “fact filled” documentary like Sicko, Fahrenheit 911 and Inconceivable Inconvenient Truth or a research documentary like Morgan Spurlock’s Super Size Me, movies are always trying to teaching us something – but only if we are listening.

Long time visitor and regular commenter Xigbar was listening during his viewing of Ninja Assassin and decided to share what he learned with us last week in our popular Open Discussion Wednesday thread. Check out what he had to say after the jump:

12 Things I Learned from Watching Ninja Assassin

1. Ninjas project an aura of such mystery and terror that their blood, as well as the blood of those around them, curdles into a viscous substance not unlike delicious strawberry jam.

2. Although ninjas have lightning-fast reflexes and have been trained to use all 5 senses to superhuman degrees, they have a hard time dodging cars screeching towards them sideways.

3. Similarly, even the eldest and most skilled ninja masters can be caught unaware when a plucky Europol agent enters the room and points a weapon at them.

4. Situs Inversus, a rare congenital defect in which the heart and other major organs are mirrored from their normal positions, making one ninja-proof.

5. Although ninjas are trained harshly from a young age, a lot of them still suck at their fighting skills and are fairly useless in combat.

6. When a bright light is shined on a ninja he loses all martial arts and acrobatic abilities, as well as the wherewithal to throw a ninja star at the light, destroying it. The previously mentioned sucky ninjas will become even more useless in bright lights, running directly into the path of automatic weapons fire.

7. Female ninjas will usually grow up to be caring, kind and compassionate, despite being raised in an environment that harshly and violently discourages such behavior.

8. Ninjas are coed, seeing no foreseeable problems with having male and female ninjas training, growing up and even sleeping in the same room together.

9. Although skilled in the art of combat, ninjas are less skilled at financial matters, charging the equivalent value of 100 pounds of gold for all assassinations. This means that it costs the same to kill a homeless man living under a bridge as it does to kill a highly trained government official surrounded by armed guards in a high-security location.

10. Ninjas also do not recognize the changing value of commodities. If the value of gold were to suddenly drop, the ninja industry would quickly crumble.

11. A healthy adult female can easily be made to fit inside a Laundromat washing machine with room to spare.

12. When someone becomes aware of the existence of the ninja clans they will be quickly executed. However, their house will NOT be searched for any documents that prove their existence, at least not thoroughly.

All good points Xigbar! Thanks for opening up our eyes and making us become better people by listening and learning from what movies are trying to teach us. Although you should probably sleep with the lights on for a few days just to ward off any angry ninjas.

Get our free email alerts on the topics and author of this article:


Post a Comment

GravatarWant to change your avatar?
Go to Gravatar.com and upload your own (we'll wait)!

 Rules: No profanity or personal attacks.
 Use a valid email address or risk being banned from commenting.

If your comment doesn't show up immediately, it may have been flagged for moderation. Please try refreshing the page first, then drop us a note and we'll retrieve it. Keep in mind that we do not allow external links in the comments.

  1. Hehe happy to oblige.
    I should do more of these….

  2. there are heaps of stuff like this on imdb forums, for movies.
    there was one on the step father remake, where a whole group came up with stuff like this.

  3. Honestly most of the listed movies don’t teach anything and really just attempt to brainwash. Teaching is the furthest thing from their minds.

  4. I think Paul meant that with a bit of sarcasm Daniel…

  5. Yeah, it’s kind of a joke dude…

  6. you would think that producers/writers etc would put time and effort into researching what they’re going to be making, instead all they care about is money, bloody idiots.

    that being said i suppose they dont think veiwers will be paying attention to such detail and if they did it would come across as “im sure they made a mistake” again bloody idiots :-)

  7. @ Daniel F

    Yeah, the secret brainwashing plans these documentary films have… Brainwashing plans that rely on you to sit down and exercise the free will of watching them.

    Oh these sneaky documentary film makers… they’ll get us all with their “made up stories.” Climate Change? Not real at all… Can’t be… “Inconceivable…”


    I’m going to stop there before I start taking real jabs at people…

  8. # 13. You can heal yourself if you concentraite and move your hands in a specific way.

  9. #14. An entire room of trained-from-birth ninjas can’t stand a chance against Jackie Chan.

    • ho

  10. Kofi so I take it you believe every documentry you ever watch? The truth of the matter is you can find real substantial evidence proving 90% of what was said in all the named documentaries that were listed above. There are sites dedicated to hell most of them have been picked apart by actual news networks. Aside from the Morgan Spurlonk crap, but that guy takes everything to the extreme to prove a point. He beats you over the head with the obvious. I can’t stand him because the information he provides is nothing new and has always been known, but since he does a movie about it the country must bend to his will. Sucks once in a blue moon I liked to go to mcdonalds get a supersize fri and nothing else can’t do that anymore because he thought he should eat mcdonalds everyday every meal.

  11. @Daniel

    Supersize me is an AWESOME film and should be required viewing in high school. OK, so ppl don’t eat it three times a day, seven days a week – but do you think if you went to a regular restaurant and did that same experiment the health consequences would be the same? And there ARE people who eat there five times a week.

    That crap is incredibly unhealthy, has low nutritional value and is incredibly fattening. Have you LOOKED around a mall in the U.S. lately? Freaking people are HUGE because they don’t pay attention to what they stick in their pie-holes. They don’t bother to get educated and part of that is because they figure if our big mommny government allows it to be sold it must be OK.

    Nutrition and obesity are BIG push-button items for me…



  13. 1000 BETTER*

  14. @ Vic

    Obesity is not always the result of some one just being a glutton or lazy, or under educated. There are lots of other factors that are part of the equation. That said people should take the time to exercise but not to please other people or to feel accepted by society. Also MORE MEAT FOR THE HEAT IN THE SHEETS!!!!!

  15. @SIN

    No, it’s not. HOWEVER, I’m tired of hearing people use excuses that are related to a tiny part of the population and rationalizing reasons for obesity. And obesity with its related diseases has been a huge contributor to skyrocketing health care costs.

    When you have to start thinking about redesigning airline seats and ambulances because so many people are obese, something is seriously WRONG.


  16. Well back to the movie…

    #15 a throwing star sticks into a VW the same distance i sticks into a well trained ninja.

  17. @Vic

    I’m going to sue McDonalds for making me obese…and Krispy Kreme…and Pizzahut…etc…


    I’ve been obese all my life, and I have no one to blame but myself.

    #15. Ninjas have unlimited supplies of stars even though they don’t carry bags or backpacks

  18. @ Vic

    This is true about airlines, but its a win win situation. More seating room for “the average weighted/starved to death american” and you dont have the “obese” person spilling over into those people’s seats hogging the arm space. And alot of the average sized passengers are the ones complaining about how small the seats are that is most of the reason for the change. This I know is factual because I work for Delta, but I am not dismissing your statement that weight gain in america has a part in the bigger seat size, but that is not the main factor for it seeing as obese people don’t fly that often, and then it comes down to ones view as to what obese is since no one every goes by the scientific scale of obesity.

    @ Calgary’s

    Throwing stars that look like oversized frisbee disks during throwing and after being stuck in the volkswagon = fail and if they were so Ninja at least one would have blew out a tire and caused the car to crash. NONJA ASSASSIN.

  19. Make that number #16. Sorry Calgarys_finest.

  20. @ #9

    Hey if youw ant some one killed badly enough you will pay the equivalent of 100 lbs of gold, because maybe that homeless is a swindler who drives a bmw after collecting free money, or maybe he just annoys you every day :D

  21. I’m tired of people crying about other people being obesse. It’s not killing you let other people live their lives how they want. Also it’s not that they refuse to educate them selves on the subject most of the time it’s that they don’t care. Everyone knows that mcdonalds isn’t the most healthy thing in the world. Do we still eat there? Yep. Why? Because it’s cheap and easy. I don’t eat there often. I’m in good shape and great health but once in awhile I still go to the fast food places. It’s not because I’m smarter than those who eat there all the time it’s that I care more. I’m tired of this need to police everyones eating habits. Whats next are we gonna outlaw Twinkies because Morgan did a documentary that says they can make you fat? Are soda’s soon to be a thing of the past when that genious film maker makes a documentary about them as well? Maybe if we keep up this trend we can have nothing but salad to eat because everything else is outlawed.

  22. @Kofi

    Didn’t they just find out that NASA has been falsifying climate data to make it look like the earth is heating more than it is? I’ve also read that a lot of studies are actually finding that the global average annual temperature is actually decreasing, not increasing like it’s been said so much recently… I think Vic pointed this out to me before, but didn’t know about them before…

  23. @Daniel F

    And I’M tired of seeing parents TURNING THEIR CHILDREN INTO DIABETICS.

    Did you not READ what I said about health care costs? If you want to freaking kill yourself through bad eating habits, don’t make me pay the damned bill. Oh, and if you get mad and tell me it’s none of my business because I give you a hard time because you’re letting a 3 year old drink a can of Coke, I’ll say “tough sh*t, you’re abusing your kid you idiot.”

    I see people with 2 or 3 young kids 5-6 years old that weigh 100 pounds, I want to punch those idiots in the face.

    This is one where I don’t back down.


  24. Clarification: punch the parents, not the kids. They don’t know any better.

    Oh, and arguments about finicky eaters are CRAP. You feed your kid sugary foods and then when he turns up his nose at healthy non-sweet foods you blame it on them being picky?


  25. I don’t think anyone would of thought you were talking about hitting the kids lol.

    Actually everyone has the same taste buds. My mom was very much like you when I was a kid I was forced to eat veggies and fruit very little meat and never got to touch a soda until I was 12. As soon as I was able to eat on my own I stopped eating veggies because even as a kid I thought they were just nasty aside from a few. Everyone has different tastes. Also despite the fact that I eat lots of meat and cheese and very little veggies I am still very healthy. Doctors have even began to say that the same diets don’t work for everyone. There are reports of people living until they were 90 in great health and shape living off meat and no veggies.

    Also I see nothing wrong with a 3 year old getting a soda from time to time. Not on a daily basis or more than one a day but once in awhile a little bit of soda like say half a can in a sippy cup is just fine. Plenty of kids grow up on sugary stuff and the percentage of 5-6 year old at 100 or over is actually not high.

    To be fair Vic you don’t back down on anything. It’s one of the things I admire and hate about you lol jk.

  26. I wouldn’t give a child under the age of… maybe 8 years old a soda. 12 teaspoons of sugar in a can of soda, dude. Imagine a cup of a coffee with that much sugar in it – and then giving that to a young child?

    Then we complain about ADD and ADHD…

    And BTW you’re probably my favorite “adversary” here on SR. :-D


  27. Your definately mine as well Vic. You always strong in your opinions and knowledgeable enough to be able to intelligently debate it. You also don’t really insult like alot of others do.

  28. lol :))

  29. Haha what an interesting blog. I got on here because I was looking for what the series of hand movements that I’ve seen before on here and other movies where they heal themselves is called. Lol and I agree with Vic, obesity is a problem and I don’t have a problem admitting that it offends and disgusts me. I don’t like having to make room for people or walk 3x as slow behind them, I don’t like seeing people eating 2 or more times the regular meals of a person and especially when those eating habits are reflected on their kids. I hate that there’s women who have such great things going for them but I couldn’t see myself with them because they’re 70lbs overweight. It disturbs me the way a lot of people are turning out. But I will say that I’m happy and have respect for any overweight person I see working out in the gym, that I have the same harsh distaste for smokers, and people do not have the same taste buds. Everyones tongue is different. But really its mental, people can mentally change how they taste and enjoy food. Lol I’ve been doing it for years. I stopped drinking pop and energy drinks a few years back and maybe a year ago I had a sip and thought it was gross. Being healthy is not hard if you have a plan and are goal oriented. Oh and another comment, the comment about how diets are different for diff people is totally true though. Everybodys body is different in how it reacts to certain foods. Metabolism is a big factor too.