12 Things I Learned from Watching Ninja Assassin

Published 4 years ago by , Updated February 15th, 2014 at 4:27 pm,

The argument has been made several times that people learn things from Hollywood. Whether it’s an opinionated “fact filled” documentary like Sicko, Fahrenheit 911 and Inconceivable Inconvenient Truth or a research documentary like Morgan Spurlock’s Super Size Me, movies are always trying to teaching us something – but only if we are listening.

Long time visitor and regular commenter Xigbar was listening during his viewing of Ninja Assassin and decided to share what he learned with us last week in our popular Open Discussion Wednesday thread. Check out what he had to say after the jump:

12 Things I Learned from Watching Ninja Assassin

1. Ninjas project an aura of such mystery and terror that their blood, as well as the blood of those around them, curdles into a viscous substance not unlike delicious strawberry jam.

2. Although ninjas have lightning-fast reflexes and have been trained to use all 5 senses to superhuman degrees, they have a hard time dodging cars screeching towards them sideways.

3. Similarly, even the eldest and most skilled ninja masters can be caught unaware when a plucky Europol agent enters the room and points a weapon at them.

4. Situs Inversus, a rare congenital defect in which the heart and other major organs are mirrored from their normal positions, making one ninja-proof.

5. Although ninjas are trained harshly from a young age, a lot of them still suck at their fighting skills and are fairly useless in combat.

6. When a bright light is shined on a ninja he loses all martial arts and acrobatic abilities, as well as the wherewithal to throw a ninja star at the light, destroying it. The previously mentioned sucky ninjas will become even more useless in bright lights, running directly into the path of automatic weapons fire.

7. Female ninjas will usually grow up to be caring, kind and compassionate, despite being raised in an environment that harshly and violently discourages such behavior.

8. Ninjas are coed, seeing no foreseeable problems with having male and female ninjas training, growing up and even sleeping in the same room together.

9. Although skilled in the art of combat, ninjas are less skilled at financial matters, charging the equivalent value of 100 pounds of gold for all assassinations. This means that it costs the same to kill a homeless man living under a bridge as it does to kill a highly trained government official surrounded by armed guards in a high-security location.

10. Ninjas also do not recognize the changing value of commodities. If the value of gold were to suddenly drop, the ninja industry would quickly crumble.

11. A healthy adult female can easily be made to fit inside a Laundromat washing machine with room to spare.

12. When someone becomes aware of the existence of the ninja clans they will be quickly executed. However, their house will NOT be searched for any documents that prove their existence, at least not thoroughly.

All good points Xigbar! Thanks for opening up our eyes and making us become better people by listening and learning from what movies are trying to teach us. Although you should probably sleep with the lights on for a few days just to ward off any angry ninjas.

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  1. there martial art is called Ninjutsu by the way. The art of Stealth, Deception, Illusion, Perserverance, etc.

  2. I laughed so hard. This is Brilliant!

  3. The equivalent value of 100 pounds in gold is like $2 million dollars.