Each October we’re flooded with familiar horror icons, new and old, on the big and small screen. And we’re instinctively frightened or terrified by them – especially as we watch them kill everyone and everything in their path.
But if we really think about it, there are quite a few horror icons that aren’t exactly all that difficult to deal with. In fact, almost anyone could defeat them.
Let us tell you how…
Toby is the worst demon in the history of Hell. At first glance, Toby seems pretty terrifying (Paranormal Activity). Unfortunately, as we learn more about how he likes to make deals with witchy women for their first born sons (Paranormal Activity 2), you begin to notice that he spends way too much time hanging around little kids (Paranormal Activity 3) – even for a demon. Fact.
Nowadays Toby doesn’t know what he is doing. After kidnapping “his” precious boy – which he waited almost 100 years for – he gave it up for adoption, allowed him to grow up, found out who adopted him, found another creepy kid, bought a house nearby and then had a bunch of witches move into the neighborhood. What kind of demon would do that? Loser demons. Loser demons who have nothing better to do than to follow one family for YEARS.
So how do you beat Toby? Find a better demon to make a deal with. Listen, not all demons are after first born sons. You’d be surprised how many demons and/or gods are completely happy with an animal sacrifice. And those demons cannot be bamboozled by a silly Microsoft Kinect (Paranormal Activity 4).
Chance of Defeating: 100%
A single bird isn’t scary. Many birds, however, can be quite terrifying. Throw in a couple of eagles and falcons in there and the humans are up for a tough fight. Did you know that eagles kill wolves? They do.
But guess what? Thanks to Hilary Swank and the 2003 movie The Core, we know that messing with the Earth’s electromagnetic field will cause the birds to kill themselves. Now there’s no need to make a plan to actually stop the Earth from spinning (even if we know that Hilary Swank and Aaron Eckhart can start it back up again). All we need to do is take that logic and weaponize it.
Of course, since most people aren’t going to be able to do it themselves (watch MythBusters), flamethrowers and shovels would work great. Or, you know, a shotgun filled with bird shot. That probably would work best.
Flamethrowers, shovels and electromagnetic guns are still cooler.
Chance of Defeating: 98%
Samara (The Ring)
Samara’s mother killed her by dropping her in a well. Yes, that’s sad, but it’s not our problem to deal with. Family issues are best left for Maury, not haunted VHS tapes. Samara’s wrath (whatever it is) relies on the popularity of video tapes – which, if we’re all being honest, isn’t all that popular.
If by some chance you do see the creepy video, you’ve still got 7 days to make a copy and make someone else watch it. Samara is the only horror icon that attacks on a schedule. After watching the video, you’ve got 5 days to waste on letting her creep you out as she prepares for her appearance.
Then, after you get annoyed with all of her prank phone calls, just make a copy and make someone else watch it. Or play the video into a mirror – maybe that’ll kill her? Who knows. The point is that you have 7 billion people in the world to pass this curse on to. Use it to your advantage.
Chance of Defeating: 100%
Pinhead may very well be the most feared horror icon, and for good reason: he will take your skin AND your soul, all while torturing you for eternity. What you have on your side is that Pinhead is also one the most understanding and intellectually capable horror icons you could unfortunately meet.
While Pinhead has made more than his fair share of deals in his time, the problem is that people aren’t very good at keeping up their end of the bargain with him. Sometimes he’ll toss in some trickery (especially if you’re talking about the most recent, straight-to-DVD features), but generally he just wants bad people to pay for messing with his box.
All he wants is some souls to torture. Now, this doesn’t HAVE to be you (if you play your cards right).
Let’s just pretend that you already opened the box (stupid – but understandable, actually). All you have to do is offer up another soul in trade. But it has to be a VERY bad one. Good thing VERY bad people exist in this world. Use them to save yourself. Tell him you’ll send him into a prison full of souls, and he’ll be more than happy to leave you be… for now.
Chance of Defeating Pinhead (by not dying): 75%
Listen, I’m not going to lie to you. If you’re dealing with Jigsaw, it’s very likely that you’re a jerk in the first place. There’s a slim chance you just got caught up in someone else’s challenge, but Jigsaw – at least the original – had some method to his painful madness.
Considering it’s too late to tell you to simply be a better person, the only way to survive is to play his game. On some weird level, he’s trying to make you a better person. True, you may lose some flesh and/or blood weight, but you’ll come out of it better. Hopefully.
Like Pinhead, there really isn’t a way to “defeat” Jigsaw. But I’d say that, in this case, surviving is just as good.
Chance of Defeating Jigsaw (by staying alive): 100% (if you do what you’re told – and don’t suck at games)
Yes, Carrie does have some dangerous abilities. But she’s only dangerous when she’s angry. While many people out there will understand the difficulties of dealing with an emotional high school girl, it’s still just an emotional high school girl. Give her some flowers, bring her some cupcakes, make a mixtape – c’mon, do something.
Listen, if the difference between life and death is a smile, how about you jump around and do a silly dance? If you’re an attractive man who just wants to be a really terrible person, you could sacrifice yourself to her and tell her you love her, thus saving everyone else from her wrath.
But once she finds out you don’t really love her…. Good luck!
Chance of defeating: 100%
Chucky is a plastic doll with the soul of serial killer. Sure, he has a wife and kid now, but let’s take it back to the beginning. If you’re a kid and have to deal with Chucky, your small hands and general physical weaknesses are no match for China’s plastic. Adults, however, should have no problem tearing apart Chucky. We’ve all seen people do some crazy stuff in TV and movies that could be used to help us kill him. Do it!
Take his body parts, split them up into different boxes and Megatron/Dexter him to the bottom of the ocean. Do something. Even if he has the soul of serial killer, he really is only plastic.
But what about the fact that he’s small? Step on him. Do you really want to be the person your friends mock for being killed by a doll? They should and will. So how about everyone stops dying from an angry doll, okay?
Chance of defeating: 90%
Norman Bates, oh how your iconic shower scene is played over and over again. Here’s the thing: you just stabbed some woman who was staying at a hotel you creepily owned. That’s like killing someone who is taking a shower at your house. Not exactly all that challenging, per se.
Sure, he may have crazy thoughts of his mother rolling around in his head, but he’s still just a gangly man out for murder. While you can’t really plan for someone to surprise you in the shower, take a note from Howie Mandell and generally avoid strange bathrooms of any kind – especially in a motel.
If, somehow, Bates is still able to get into your room, it’ll be face-to-face battle. Because of his awkward, creepy, passive-aggressive, mother-loving personality, it’s very likely that it would cause him to freak out and run away.
If all else fails, grasp your keys firmly in your hand and just start stabbing (learned that on The View). Since Norman is adverse to direct confrontation, all you have to do is survive his first couple of swings before his “flight” instinct jumps in.
Change of defeating: 85%
So there you have it… You now have the tools to survive another day (or another icon).
But what about Freddy, Jason and all the rest? Well, you can stay safe from Jason by avoiding poorly run camps. As for Freddy, you should probably stay away from any city named Springwood. Because once Freddy has your scent, the only thing you can do is default to “9, 10 – never sleep again!”
What other horror icons do you think would be easy to defeat? And how would you do it? (Remember, electromagnetic guns and shovels is already taken).